Day 25 (2008-03-30): Start doing

I experience a peacefulness and joy in doing today.

I had a few big projects I worked on, and in two specific cases I experienced a resistance to the idea of doing them that contrasted sharply with the joy and peace of actually doing them.

What I learned is that I do in fact enjoy doing pretty much anything. Whether it’s something challenging and creative like designing my short film collection DVD, or something messy and physical like changing my oil or rotating my tires, or something “tedious” like washing the dishes. Whatever it is, I get into it when I’m doing it.

Resistance only shows up before I start, when I’m thinking about doing it. The thinking gets complicated with other thinking like “I’d rather…” and “I shouldn’t have to…” and “It’s going to be difficult or boring.”

There is no resistance in the doing of it. Only in the thinking about doing it. The doing happens in the body. The thinking happens in the mind. The doing puts me in the present. The thinking puts me in the past or future.

And uncertainty only shows up in the thinking, not in the doing.

This is an important lesson for me to remember: Stop thinking about doing and start doing.

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Day 24 (2008-03-29): Vacation

I’m taking a vacation next week. My intention is to be more spontaneous. To let go, and to listen to my inner voice.

What that means for this blog is that I may not post every day.

I experience a little bit of concern over that. I’ve posted 124 consecutive days. There’s uncertainty as far as what it will mean to me to break that trend.

But I smile even as I type that because there’s that part of me that has started to embrace these little uncertainties almost as soon as I notice them.

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Day 23 (2008-03-28): My vision

Source of inspiration: Conversation with a client

Today I was discussing a client’s vision statement during our session. And it got me thinking about my own. The vision statement that I use to guide my short-term and long-term business choices is: World peace through inner peace and passion.

What I noticed after speaking to my client was that my vision sometimes feels like an extremely high standard to live up to. I feel a sense of pressure. And when the pressure gets too much I either “forget” about my vision (getting distracted by other concerns), or worse, I consciously rebel against it: “To hell with the world!”

I’m seeing an opportunity for my vision to include all of my feelings. Inner peace is not only about joy and appreciation. Inner peace includes allowing for frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc.

For me inner peace is about creating space for what is to be. So there is no need to rebel against my vision because my vision includes the room for me to be all that I am.

This feels right, peaceful.

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Day 22 (2008-03-27): Thinking vs. feeling

I’ve been experiencing this intense dynamic pull between past and future today. Let me try to describe it:

I have projects from the past that I would like to complete. These things feel like psychological clutter. It feels like if I don’t complete them, they will just sit there in my way, waiting for me to trip over them again and again.

I have projects that I have recently begun or plan to begin that I am very excited about. These things feel like babies or children. It feels like if I don’t nurture them, they will languish and even die.

So in both cases, past and future, there is pain and pleasure motivation — in other words, consequences of not doing them that I want to avoid, and benefits of doing them that I want to experience.

The answer is, of course, to be present. From the clarity of the present, I know I make the best choices.

The challenge is that I’ve been thinking of (and therefore, experiencing) the present moment as a fulcrum. A precarious point on which I’m trying to balance. And the power of those two forces knocks me off quite easily.

When I feel myself present though (as opposed to thinking myself there), I experience it as a grounding feeling. Very stable.

So the lesson to me today is to take the next step from thinking myself present to feeling myself present. To take the initial thought-based awareness of “Hey, I’m not present” and follow it with a body-based awareness of the feeling of presence (through breath, or the feeling of life energy in my hands, or the experience of stillness, etc.).

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Day 21 (2008-03-26): Wonder

I noticed another benefit of this conscious embracing of uncertainty. Last night as I was laying in bed (and this morning when I woke up), I found it very natural to create a present state of wonder.

I let my eyes wash over the room — the windows, the curtains, the ceiling — noticing the landscape of light and shadow. And I felt a pure sense of “Wow…” like a water spring inside of me.

What’s so exciting about this experience is how accessible it felt.

A year or so ago, I identified four doorways into the present moment, four emotions that for me granted access to the Now: grace, gratitude, wonder, and joy. There are more doorways than that, but those seemed to be a level above the others, if that makes any sense.

Today I will take every opportunity I am conscious of to walk through the doorway of Wonder.

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Day 20 (2008-03-25): Embracing uncertainty

I’ve played with this idea several times in the past week or two, and it’s working very well for me.

Embracing the mystery of life is a great way for me to relate to longer-term uncertainties like health, career, relationships, etc.

And even more directly embracing uncertainty itself makes relating to more immediate uncertainties a more positive and — dare I say fun — experience. See my comments on yesterday’s post.

I will continue consciously embracing uncertainty today.

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Day 19 (2008-03-24): Feeling nervous

Last week, among other things, I led my time management teleclass and my in-person Power of Now group discussion. Both are things I’ve done dozens of times before.

But in each case, I found myself feeling nervous. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but I grew annoyed at myself because I’m typically very calm during those activities. I didn’t understand why I was suddenly nervous.

Today I will be doing both again. So I’ve been thinking about what it was that caused me to feel nervous last week.

In the case of the teleclass, it used to be free, but I recently started charging for it. And I had some uncertainty — would people paying for the class find it valuable?

In the case of the group discussion, we’ve had a pretty consistent group of members up until recently. And last week was the first time new members outnumbered old members. So there was uncertainty there, too — will these new members like the group?

Today, I will embrace the uncertainty — embrace the mystery of life — in each of these situations. And I’ll see what that does to my experience of them.

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Day 18 (2008-03-23): Fear of success, Part 2

Source of inspiration: The Fear of Success by Leon Tec

I noticed another fear of success in response to my goal of averaging 100 registrants per month for my time management teleclass by 2009:

The fear that I might get trapped by the success. Specifically, I might get pigeon-holed as a time management coach but I think of myself as so much more.

Also, I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule now, and I like that. I’m afraid that success will mean I’ll lose that flexibility.

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Day 17 (2008-03-22): Fear of success

Source of inspiration: The Fear of Success by Leon Tec

Last night I pulled a book off my shelf that I’ve had for maybe a year or so but never read, The Fear of Success by Leon Tec. It was recommended by a colleague who I trust, more as a topic of interest than anything else. I knew that when the time was right, the book would call to me (as have others I’ve purchased far in advance of reading). And last night it did.

I think it puts this playing big / playing small idea I’ve been discussing into a psychological context that seems deeper than I’ve been understanding it to be.

A few of the basic premises in the first chapter that resonated most strongly with me:

• There are three variables of my personality that are at play here — the conscious fear of failure, the conscious wish to succeed, and the unconscious fear of success — and it is the relationship of these variables that determine how much peace or anxiety I feel as I pursue and achieve my goals.
• When my image of myself falls short of my accomplishments, the fear of success dominates the other two variables. In other words, I will be afraid of success because of the inevitable discovery by others that I am a fraud and don’t deserve it.
• I can make the fear of success conscious by asking myself, “What would be the danger/problem/discomfort if I achieved what I wanted?” And because change itself is often experienced as discomfort, an alternate question is, “What might change if I achieve what I want?”

As an exercise, I’m going to take the goal I defined yesterday and modify it to this: Averaging 100 registrants per month for my time management teleclass by 2009.

And I’m going to ask the question, “If I achieved that goal, what about my life might change, and what dangers/problems/discomforts do I anticipate?”

Already I can feel answers coming to me:

• The more people who take my class, the more likely I will be criticized or attacked for what I teach
• I won’t be able to manage all the logistics of that many people in my class
• I will have to hire someone to assist me and that means being disappointed by employees who don’t care as much as I do

I will continue to report my answers…

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Day 16 (2008-03-21): Simple and succinct

Source of inspiration: Email from a friend

A friend of mine replied to my post from yesterday. The person wishes to remain anonymous, so didn’t post his/her sentiments as a comment. I’d like to include a section of the email here:

“And so my message to you in all of this is to live for today, do not take it for granted as it won’t come around again (that is for certain) and let go of the worry and concern for the uncertainty of the future. Remember to make it very clear to the Universe what it is that you want / need in your life right now. Keep it simple and succinct. Then take away the effort and the striving and the worry and everything else that makes us ‘play small’ and also blocks out the Universe lending a hand. Show your gratitude for the gifts and talents you have been given through using them to be of service and to contribute to others through love and kindness  … then you truly are playing a very big game.”

One of the things that struck me most about this advice was the part about keeping my game “simple and succinct.” When I think of what my bigger game might be, I tend to visualize lots of details, complex strategies, vast resources working together synergistically.

But playing big doesn’t have to mean complex or vast. What if playing big meant focussed and powerful? Like a laser.

One idea that comes to mind is seeing how many people I can enroll in my time management teleclass. I teach 5 fundamental principles that lead to greater productivity and peace of mind. What I like to call time management from the inside out. The more people I can introduce to these principles, the closer I get to my vision of world peace through inner peace and passion.

This feels like a big game that is both simple and succinct.

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Day 15 (2008-03-20): Playing small

Wow, almost spaced on my post today…

Today I’ve been thinking about the costs of playing small in my coaching practice. This is related to uncertainty because it is how I respond to uncertainty that keeps me playing small.

I realized that there are some big costs. Things like I don’t date in part because I’m embarrassed by my income. I don’t travel because it feels like an extravagance. I don’t eat as healthy as I’d like to. And I don’t make near the positive difference in the world that I know I could if I just played bigger.

I don’t think I’ve fully acknowledged the costs of playing small. And by keeping my head buried in the sand, I stay safe and comfortable in what I know. When I do focus on the costs, I feel the fire inside of me burn brighter.

I think this is what I was sensing back in Day 94 of my first 100 Days.

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Day 14 (2008-03-19): Adventure

Source of inspiration: Coaching session with Kayte Connelly

I had a coaching session this morning in which uncertainty showed up twice creating two entirely different reactions in me.

The first was when I was talking about my marketing strategy for my coaching business. I voiced a concern of mine that my marketing is almost wholly Internet based, and I was feeling like I should do more in person marketing locally (talks, networking, etc.).

Kayte asked me if there was a significant percentage of my target market (busy professionals and artists in their 30s and 40s) who I could not reach online. My answer was no. Not only are almost all of my target market online in some capacity, most are quite active online.

So there was an uncertainty around my marketing approach that was making me uneasy. It was showing up for me as doubt and judgment: Should I do this or that?

Once that question was answered and I gave myself permission to focus online, we started to talk about different ways to do that. And it felt exciting and adventurous.

So there was another kind of uncertainty around my marketing that was showing up for me as excitement and adventure.

What I’m taking away from this is a positive experience of uncertainty.

And here’s something funny: Months ago (maybe even as long as a year ago) I revised the form I use to plan my week each week. On the left side is a column that includes the top 7 roles or categories I use to keep my life balanced and in harmony. Things like Health, Relationship, Coaching, Friends & Family, etc.

I revised the names of those categories to make them more fun. Guess what I changed Marketing to? “Indiana Jones” — how cool is that? I guess I was just a little ahead of myself. Because now I am feeling exactly that sense of adventure.

My focus will be to cultivate and grow this feeling of adventure in my life, starting with my marketing for my coaching practice.

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Day 13 (2008-03-18): Perspective and gratitude

Delving into my relationship with uncertainty uncovers lots of seemingly “negative” things like fears, doubts, irrational beliefs, etc. Because these posts are detailing my experience with all that, it can seem like things are not going well for me these days. And anyone reading these posts could very easily get a skewed perspective of what my life is like.

So I want to widen that perspective a little today.

This is partly motivated by me feeling a little self-conscious about sharing so many of my fears, doubts, etc. (In other words, I’m uncomfortable with the uncertainty I have about how I’m being perceived.)

And it is partly motivated by my own desire for perspective. I, too, can get the mistaken impression that a lot is wrong with my life simply because I’m so zoomed in on these challenges around uncertainty.

So here is a list of some wonderful things I am grateful for in this moment (in no particular order):

• My healthy body
• You, whoever you are, reading this
• My funky little apartment
• All of the hustle and bustle I hear right now outside in the cool town I live in
• Electricity and technology that allows me to communicate with people all over the world
• My sister, brother-in-law, and nieces who I saw yesterday and who open their home to me as if it was my own
• My family and friends, who continually bless me with love and kindness
• My clients who challenge me and enrich my life every time I speak to them, who inspire me with their dreams and desire to grow
• The universe in all of its wonder and mystery

Thank you for reading this post. I invite you to comment and share some of the things you are grateful for right now.

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Day 12 (2008-03-17): Simplicity, Part 2

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I’ve been feeling intentionally peaceful today. Yesterday’s experience of the power of choice and simplicity made an impression on me.

Again, I simplified my focus today. I organized my intentions into simple mental categories, and scheduled blocks of time to do them. The categories are:

• Personal routines
• Business routines
• Business projects
• Social/fun
• Meetings/appointments

I’m finding it’s pretty easy to be peaceful holding those five categories instead of the dozens of individual items they represent. I’ll continue with this simpler focus for the rest of the week.

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Day 11 (2008-03-16): Simplicity

Today was much more peaceful than yesterday. The main difference was simplicity. I chose to focus on two main things today:

1. Working on my taxes
2. Visiting my sister and my nieces

Other things got done as they needed to, but there was an ease to them. There were just as many things going on around me, just as many sense perceptions, just as many tasks on my to do list, just as many goals, and just as much stuff in my life as there was yesterday. But I experienced it differently.

It made me think that the difference between chaos and order may be simply a choice. Could the difference between uncertainty creating anxiety or peace also be a choice?

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Day 10 (2008-03-15): Choose or react

Strange day today…

I didn’t have any appointments today, personal or professional. All day I kept trying to think of what to do with the day (notice the word do). It seemed like an opportunity to work on some big project or do something special.

As I considered my options, I’d keep thinking that there must be something better than anything I thought of. There was this internal pressure to make the most out of the day. To choose the absolute best way to spend the day. “I better not waste a day like today!”

And here’s what I ended up doing: Watched a lot of TV shows online. Went for a short run. Meditated. Ate my meals. Completed a couple of items on my to do list.

Sounds like a pretty relaxing day, right? And it would have been if I wasn’t dwelling on all of the things I “should” be doing instead. It would have been if I’d chosen it. It would have been if I’d allowed myself to be it completely.

Even now as I post this so late in the day, there is self-criticism and a knot in the pit of my stomach.

I’m seeing how much conscious choice (or the lack of it) plays into my relationship with uncertainty. Choice is an empowering act. The alternative is to not choose, but to react. That’s when my anxiety increase, when I’m mostly reacting.

I think there’s more here that I don’t yet understand about myself and choice and reacting. I’ll quiet my mind and see what else shows up…

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Day 9 (2008-03-14): Falling behind

There is so much I want to do in my life and my business, so much I want to do on any given day. And that leads me to create these big plans each week of all that I’m going to accomplish.

Many of these plans I don’t complete in the time that I intended. And that leads to a feeling of falling behind.

I know that this “falling behind” idea is a fiction, an illusion, a lie. There is only Now and What Is. There is no tangible, actual thing such as What Could/Should Have Been. The feeling of “falling behind” comes from an attachment to an old plan, a comparison of What Is to What I Planned. I know this. I even teach it!  🙂  Yet that attachment is often challenging to relax and release.

To put it another way, it’s like each new idea is a child born to me. And like any good parent, I want to give them all the love and nurturing they need. I want to give them my focus and attention. And when any of them get neglected, I feel like I’m bad. That’s a hell of a lot of pressure to put on myself!

What I’m recognizing is that each new idea is not a child. It’s just an idea. I get to choose which ones to act on and which ones to file away or simply ignore.

This relates to uncertainty because we never know which of our ideas will produce the results we want and which ones won’t. I tend to experience that as a fear — a fear of choosing the “wrong” one. But what does “wrong” mean? And can I say that the results I think I want are actually what’s best for me?

It brings me back to the idea of embracing the mystery of life. The best I can do is to trust my ability to make the best choices at any given time, and then embrace the mystery of what follows.

Today’s practice will be to raise my conscious awareness of the choices I make, to recognize the uncertainty of what will happen next, and see it as a mystery I can enjoy.

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Day 8 (2008-03-13): Worrying for others

I’m noticing how selective my mind is in this whole area of uncertainty. My mind goes so far as to look outside of my own life for uncertainty it can worry about.

I noticed yesterday how I worry for people I care about. Notice how I said “worry for.” In some cases, I know that those people themselves are not worried about the uncertainty, yet for some reason I am.

Without knowing why I do this, I’m going to suggest two possible reasons:

1. Habit. I’ve conditioned myself to do this so much in my own life, and my mind is so used to working this way, that it will project negative consequences from uncertainty.
2. Benefit. On some level, I’m getting something out of feeling worried. I’m getting some benefit from it.

It’s probably a combination of both. So what is the possible benefit?

It may be that by worrying about a negative consequence, I’m creating a low-quality certainty. Deep down inside me, maybe it feels slightly better to be certain about a negative outcome than being totally uncertain.

By worrying about other people, maybe I’m creating a low-quality feeling of love and connection. Maybe I relate worry with love — that is, the more you love someone, the more you worry about them. This could be related to an unconscious rule I discovered about a year ago. I believed that the more you loved someone, the more energy you gave to them and the relationship. Worrying is certainly a lot of energy!

Over the next couple of days, I’m going to sit with these possible benefits and see how right or wrong they feel. And today I will continue with the “I embrace the mystery of life” mantra.

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Day 7 (2008-03-12): The mystery of life, continued

I kind of like the sound of that: “The mystery of life, continued…” (As if the mystery is ever solved!)

Yesterday I lost sight of my intended practice until late in the day, but I really enjoyed saying the affirmation when I did it. So I’m going to continue with it today. In fact, it works well as a mantra. So instead of waiting to catch myself in a Should Statement, I’ll say it more spontaneously throughout the day. Starting now…

I embrace the mystery of life!

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Day 6 (2008-03-11): Should Statements and the mystery of life

I’m noticing that Should Statements arise out of my relationship to uncertainty, and they contribute quite a bit to my anxiety.

In other words, lots of my Shoulds are really worries that if I don’t do certain things then bad stuff will happen to me. And there’s something else…let me just sit for a moment to allow it to come…

Yes! There’s a flipside to that, too. Some of my most stressful Shoulds are all about the illusion of control and my pressing need for certainty. The idea in my mind is that if I could just get my routines perfect, then life would become easy and predictable. So my routines quickly become rigid and oppressive (“I should be doing this and that”) instead of supportive and energizing.

When uncertainty shows up in my life in a way that’s uncomfortable for me, I use it as evidence that I’m not doing things right. Because if I was doing things right, there wouldn’t be any uncertainty in my life, right?  😉

And that leads me to the biggest Should of all: Life should be certain.

Today my practice is to recognize Should Statements in my thinking and speaking, discern their relationship to uncertainty, and then say aloud, “I embrace the mystery of life.”

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Day 5 (2008-03-10): Rest and rejuvenation

I’m noticing that when I feel like I’m “on” all the time, it makes it easier to slip into negative feelings of uncertainty like anxiety and fear and low self-esteem.

When I feel rested and rejuvenated, I’m more comfortable with uncertainty.

I’ve identified some activities that I would say pretty consistently qualify as rest and/or rejuvenation:

• Sleep
• Getting up early (after going to bed early the night before)
• Joyful exercise
• Creative appreciation (watching a great movie, singing along to a favorite song, or reading a great book)
• Playful (and present) interaction with good friends
• A quiet walk in nature

I’m also aware how easy it is for me to turn any of these activities into stressful goals — how to inject them with self-judgment and self-criticism, and make them means to an end.

My Power of Now discussion group is tonight. It is an opportunity for playful and present interaction. My intention is to experience it that way.

And I will also begin to consciously create opportunities for more of these activities in these 100 Days.

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Day 4 (2008-03-09): Be all that I am

Today I modified the affirmation a little. The “even though” part started to feel like it contained a seed of judgment and non-acceptance. Kind of like, “Even though I was bad and shouldn’t have done that…”

So I went for a more inclusive and accepting feeling with the word “and”:

“I’ve been focusing on the future and I deeply love and accept myself.”

“I’ve been feeling anxious and I deeply love and accept myself.”

That way, the affirmation felt more like a reminder than a reaction. A reminder that love and acceptance means that there’s nothing wrong. It is safe to be all that I am (including anxiety, ego, pain, uncertainty).

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Day 3 (2008-03-08): Heaven and hell revisited

I re-read a post from my first 100 Days that gave me an idea of how I could apply the affirmation I started with yesterday.

The post was about how heaven and hell is a choice I make by focusing on the present (heaven) or focusing on the past and future (hell). It is easy to criticize myself for not focusing on the present. “If heaven is as easy as focusing on the present, then why the hell [pun intended] do I spend so much time focused on the past and future? Am I stupid or something?”

So I’m going to use this affirmation: “Even though I’ve been focusing on the past/future, I deeply love and accept myself.”

And I plan to continue this practice tomorrow.

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Day 2 (2008-03-07): Love and acceptance

Source of inspiration: My Mastermind Group

Last night I was sharing with my Mastermind Group my plans for my 100 Days of Peace in Uncertainty. In the course of the conversation, one of the members shared an affirmation that I will put into practice today:

“Even though…I deeply love and accept myself.”

…

It’s funny. I just used the affirmation right now. I was sitting here not sure what to write next, not sure of the clearest way to explain the affirmation and how I intend to use it today. I felt myself going to a place of judgment and criticism: “Why does even writing this simple blog post have to be difficult, blah, blah, blah.”

So I quietly said to myself, “Even though I don’t know what to write next, I deeply love and accept myself.”

And it became a very concise way to explain exactly what I was unsure of how to explain! (This has happened a few times on the blog, and each time is just as spooky as the first.)

So, my practice today is to use this affirmation whenever I catch myself feeling anxious, critical, etc. (often triggered by uncertainty).

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Day 1 (2008-03-06): 100 Days of Peace in Uncertainty

I’ve decided on my next 100 Days of Peace. I will explore my relationship to uncertainty:

• Where in my life do I experience uncertainty?
• What feelings arise out of uncertainty?
• Where in my life do I not experience uncertainty even though uncertainty exists?
• What practices lead to a feeling of peace in uncertainty?

You may notice that in these questions, uncertainty has a clear negative connotation to me. So there seems to be an additional question:

• What is at the heart of the negative connotation I give to uncertainty?

Why did I choose uncertainty as my focus for the next 100 days? This new exploration is fueled by several factors:

1. The acute anxiety I’ve been witnessing in me recently around the variability of my income from my coaching practice.

2. Eckhart Tolle’s observation about uncertainty in A New Earth: “If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness, and creativity.”

3. A recent conversation with a colleague in which she reminded me that uncertainty is everywhere in my life, yet it creates anxiety in certain cases but not in others.

There is an added layer to this uncertainty exploration that I am noticing now. In life (especially in business life) there is a tendency to want to put a face of certainty on oneself — to appear like we “have it all together.” By being this open about my relationship to uncertainty and doing so publicly, I worry that my clients and prospective clients might see me as weak and as someone they don’t have confidence in to coach them. So there is uncertainty in how this will be received and how it will affect my business.

Looks like I’m already off to a good start!  🙂

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