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Posts Tagged ‘Peace’

Abuse

Early emotional and psychological abuse taught me how to be a victim. And I became an expert at it.

I sought out abusers, and when none were available I played dual roles in a schizophrenic dance of self-abuse.

I’m learning now that my relationship with myself is where all others take their cue. Only as I learn to stop the self-abuse do I become free of the abuse of others.

Which is beautiful, because my relationship with myself is also the only relationship I have any real control over anyway.

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I greeted a friend/client today with a sincere “How are you?”

She commented that she was surprised to hear me ask that question. For a moment I was confused, but then I remembered. A few years ago she and I had talked about how uncomfortable I was with that question, especially when it was directed at me. I so often felt sad, lonely, and/or stressed that I didn’t like to even think about how I was, let alone admit it to others. And I didn’t like to lie with a superficial, “I’m good. How are you?” It got to the point where the question caused me actual anxiety in social situations.

Today I suddenly realized I’d changed. Personal growth sometimes happens so slowly, it’s invisible. It takes a friend who maybe we haven’t seen in a while to mirror the contrast back to us.

I’m amazed. The me back then would have never believed that I’d be at peace (relatively so) with how I am. I write this blog post today to document this change.

Update

Here’s a tally of my first month (as of May 31):

2832 pushups (91% on track)
181 pullups (58% on track)
465 burpees (100% on track)
1.56 hrs plank (101% on track)

I expect to be caught up on pushups in the next week or two, pullups by the end of June. I’ve also begun sitting for meditation, which will become a greater focus in this second month. I rock!

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Duration of today’s sit: 25 minutes

Very agitated mind this morning with periods of concentration.

I noticed that my anxiety would rise and fall with the activity of my mind. The correlation was undeniable and visceral. It validated through experience something I’ve known conceptually: Thoughts are the source of anxiety, fear, and stress. When the mind is still, the person is peaceful.

I delayed my sit this morning by a little more than an hour. I did not have a reason other than mental resistance: “I don’t wanna.”

My intention this week is 3 days in a row of sitting first thing in the morning.

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Life is so funny.

The other day I recalled that I’d shifted away from my 100 Days of Peace practice a few months ago, and I was curious if I was still within those 100 days. In addition, I didn’t even remember the particular focus I’d chosen.

So this morning I visited this blog and just had to laugh. You’ll understand as I explain what I’ve been doing for the past two months.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’d shifted my focus to love. In that time, I attended a workshop at the magical Esalen retreat center called “Opening to Oneness through Love.” I won’t even try to describe the experience; suffice to say it was amazing. (Go to Esalen now. Yes, now.)

To stay in touch with many of the people I met there, I rejoined Facebook. So Facebook suddenly became a place for me to share my insights about my personal growth, much like this blog used to be. One of the insights I had was that a loving gift I could give to myself each morning was to create an uplifting and energizing Power Hour. I did, and I began reporting on Facebook each morning as I completed it.

Today was the 25th consecutive morning I completed my Power Hour.

So when I returned to this blog and discovered my 100 Days of Peace had been focused on Humble Discipline, I cracked up. How funny that love led me right back to my original intention — to report every day on my progress with my daily disciplines. The only thing different was the form it took.

The other funny thing is that my current Power Hour has been more ambitious AND easier to stick to than the one I’d previously created here. Instead of starting at 7 AM, I start between 6 and 6:30. Here are the details:

It feels incredible, and I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for 25 consecutive days. One of the advantages of Facebook over this blog is that I get frequent encouragement. This blog is not really designed for that. And I didn’t anticipate how powerful that encouragement is. If any readers want to follow my progress on Facebook, you can use this link:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1100382886

I’m not sure how this blog will fit into my practices, if at all. I’d hoped to create a community of 100 Days of Peace practitioners, and that didn’t manifest. It’s okay. Life has a flow to it, and it’s not always what we think it will be.  🙂

To those of you who have supported me through this blog, many thanks. I hope you can join me on Facebook. You rock!

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As is obvious from my absence from this blog, my focus has shifted away from disciplines.

I’ve been exploring a fear of premature death that I believe is a manifestation of unresolved feelings about my friend Scott who died last year. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to live a dead life of fear. I want to feel alive.

I’ve also been exploring some resistance I have to being loved. I am comfortable being the one who loves, and I gravitate to situations where I can do that without the risk of being loved back. But being Love (which is a practice I try to embrace as often as possible) includes both being loving and being loved, the cycle of giving and receiving.

I still hold open the space of this 100 Days of Peaceful Discipline. And I may post again when/if my focus shifts back.

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I over-scheduled myself this past week. As a result, my disciplines took a bit of a hit.

It’s been a full week since I last posted. My morning skin-brushing and affirmations vanished for most of that week. I’ve been sensitive to when I get to bed, and though it’s often after 10 PM, I do meditate once I’m there.

Regarding last Monday’s cleanse, I was almost 100% successful. My dinner was a veggie burger at a restaurant–the bun and cheese (and some fries) were not cleanse-friendly. But it definitely helped to have the food in the house for the earlier part of the day.

I’m going to do some food prep today for tomorrow’s cleanse today.

I’ve also been having trouble sleeping because I have so much on my mind. That makes it more challenging to get up and get started in the morning. Over time, the meditation will likely help with that.

So although I got a little off track this week, I’m learning about what supports my disciplines and what doesn’t, which is all part of this 100 Days experience!

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Late nights this weekend, but lots of fun. I was more relaxed with my disciplines as a result.

I’m fully stocked and ready for my Monday cleanse tomorrow. It’s 10:30 now, and I’m going to bed to meditate as soon as I finish this post.

Listening to Ajahn Brahm tonight, I was reminded of his practice of acknowledging what he loves and values in himself as he meditates. That will be my focus tonight.

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