Day 80: Judgment as attachment and aversion

Duration of today’s sit: 60 minutes

Before sitting this morning, I reviewed my notes from the retreat and realized that I can frame the judgment issue I’ve been describing the past couple of days as attachment and aversion. When I judge myself as “meditating well” my ego is creating attachment to certain kinds of experiences. When I judge myself as “meditating poorly” my ego is creating aversion to certain kinds of experiences.

So that was my focus today. Whenever I noticed that my mind was wandering I would remind myself, “Nothing bad happened, it’s just a wandering mind.” And when my mind was concentrated on my breath I would remind myself, “Don’t get attached, just stay concentrated.” So my sit became a dance between the concentrated moments and the wandering moments.

I can tell this had an effect because I felt a general sense of peace. There was no inertial resistance to sitting. In other words, it was not difficult to sit still for the full hour.

My mind was quite agitated and my staying was probably 20% continuous. Most of my focus was on the judgment, not the breath. I feel like this is a necessary step on my path.

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Day 79: Still sitting still

Duration of today’s sit: 60 minutes

It still strikes me as amazing just how difficult it is to simply sit still for an hour. I was right yesterday when I identified the two biggest obstacles as judgment and inertial resistance.

The judgment is by far the biggest obstacle. So that’s what my sit became about today, being with the judgment, coming right up against it. Sometimes I got so frustrated I wanted to yell.

The benchmark for concentration practice is how continually the focus stays on the breath. A benchmark for progress with this judgment issue will be how long I can sit still without my head exploding. 🙂

The good news is that my awareness is high. I can see the judgment as mind activity, not reality. It’s there and it’s oppressive at times, but it doesn’t gain control.

Also, this morning I used the Holosync recording, but I’m not convinced it’s going to help. I was unable to hear the interval bells, which made concentration more challenging. I think I can fix that for tomorrow. And I broke posture at about 40 minutes to switch the cross of my legs.

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Day 78: A different way of living

Duration of today’s sit: 60 minutes

Wow, a full hour of sitting was challenging. Why is it so hard to sit and do nothing but concentrate on my breath? That became part of the focus of my meditation this morning. That and observing judgment in my thoughts.

Part of the reason why I think it’s so challenging for me to sit, especially for “long” periods of time, is because it goes against the grain of how I normally approach life. I’m very “doing” oriented, and even when my body is not so active, my mind is chattering away. Anytime we change our patterns, we come up against a certain degree of resistance.

In addition, I think the judgment makes it difficult in that the experience becomes unpleasant. Who really wants to spend time doing something they judge themselves to be bad at?

So these two factors must be faced. First, accept that sitting in concentration is a different way of living, and therefore it will be challenging. Second, acknowledge that the more I do it, the less foreign it will seem to me, and the more comfortable I will get doing it. And third, continue to notice and not indulge the judgment. It will evaporate in the light of consciousness.

One other observation: the posture did not get uncomfortable until about 5 minutes before the end.

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Day 77: An anniversary and anxiety

Duration of today’s sit: 10 minutes

Today is the 4th anniversary of this blog. I’ve been doing various 100 Days of Peace for 4 years, off and on. Blows my mind. 🙂

My sit tonight was good, mainly in that I did it. My mind raced anxiously about a couple of issues, but it felt good to sit and be present with it rather than entirely consumed by it.

I have a lot of fear in my mental storytelling. Mostly fear of it being “too late” for [fill in the blank].

There are 24 days left in these 100 days. I have the idea to do 24 consecutive daily 1-hour sits. That would be the equivalent of a full 24-hour day of sitting. I will make that choice in the morning.

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Day 76: Self-consciousness

Duration of today’s sit: 10 minutes

I sat tonight in my niece’s room as she was reading before her bedtime. It was my first time sitting with someone in the same room who was not also sitting for meditation. Some minor self-consciousness for the first minute or so, then I settled in.

My mind was agitated but quieted significantly by the end of the sit.

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Day 75: 0 minutes

Duration of today’s sit: 0 minutes

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Day 74: 0 minutes

Duration of today’s sit: 0 minutes

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Day 73: Done and done

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

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Day 72: The grab of insults

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

I called my friend and accountability partner this morning and thanked him. Both yesterday and today, I’d pretty much talked myself out of getting up at 6:30 to meditate, and the only remaining buttress against the flood of sloth was my phone call to him. Some would see this as a failure in willpower. I see it as a victory in knowing oneself.

Much of the sit today was challenging. My mind was agitated and I found it difficult to concentrate. My ego mind loves to find little insults to get worked up around. Today it was a client who hasn’t paid me. It could just as easily be a friend who I imagine is critical of me in some way. Or some other story of how I’ve been hurt or wronged. Seeing this as a pattern of the mind frees me from the emotional grab of the details.

I had a period of grounded concentration somewhere in the second half of the sit, I would guess. I also explored emptiness of time, with some insight. The next time I meet with my meditation coach, I will ask him to review the instructions for some of the emptiness meditations. I feel a little lost and unclear on how to proceed.

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Day 71: Easier than I think

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

It was challenging to get up this morning and meditate at 6:30. I considered doing a shorter meditation, but chose to go for it. The idea of 40 minutes seemed more than I could handle, but once I sat down and started it was fine. It continually surprises me how much easier it is to do something than to think about doing something.

I used the 1-minute interval bells again. I’m seeing a general pattern over the course of the 40 minutes: Lots of mental agitation, mind settles down, partial and continuous staying, periods of almost complete staying, impatience for the sit to end, intentional appreciation and presence.

I also explored emptiness of the self. I would like to explore emptiness of time in my next sit.

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Day 70: 0 minutes

Duration of today’s sit: 0 minutes

I’ve made Sunday a “day off” in my head. That was not my original intention with this 100 days. I am aware and will choose more consciously next week.

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Day 69: Locus of awareness

Duration of today’s sit: 10 minutes

My staying was almost entirely continuous, yet partial. I’m becoming very aware of the subtle thinking that goes on even while I’m focused on the breath.

I also noticed that the locus of my source of awareness can move, sometimes up in my head, sometimes down in my body. When it’s up in my head, it’s a flighty awareness characterized by anxiety and judgment. When it’s down in my body, it’s a grounded awareness characterized by peace and acceptance.

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Day 68: Comfortable stress

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Again, the 1-minute interval bells were a great help keeping me focused on my breath. I’m realizing that my staying is continuous, for the most part, but partial. There are times when I drift away from the breath completely, but typically it’s a partial drifting. There’s an element of attitude at play, a little bit of “This is hard” and “I don’t wanna.” I think that’s what’s been revealed by the interval bells: The reality that I like when my mind wanders, I like that zone out feeling. Yes, my mind goes to stressful thoughts, but I’m used to that. And because it’s comfortable, I prefer it to the intensity of concentration.

Of course, as I write this in the full light of consciousness, I know that there’s also a part of me who prefers the concentration to the stressful mind activity. I wouldn’t be committed to this practice of sitting if there wasn’t. So this all falls under the heading of greater awareness.

I would say that there were a handful of 1-minute intervals (out of 40) where my staying was relatively complete. The other victory is that I noticed the habit of resetting is getting stronger. Even mid-interval, I would recognize my mind was drifting and refocus, without the reminder of the chime.

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Day 67: Humility and a new plan

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Holy humility!

The 1-minute interval bells really call attention to just how easily my attention drifts away from my breath. Those frequent reminders to refocus made my concentration practice much more intentional than it’s been without them.

A new plan has emerged. Stick with the 1-minute interval bells until I feel my staying for each minute is relatively continuous and complete, then increase the interval gradually. All the while watching for judgment and frustration.

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Day 66: Waves

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Using interval chimes every 2 minutes was intense. They seemed to come faster and faster each time. They served me well as a continual reminder to refocus and concentrate. But there was also a slight added degree of pressure, almost like a reminder that I was screwing up. That was small, and I think the benefit was worth dealing with that little bit of judgment and emotion. I would like to experiment with 1-minute interval bells and see how that works.

Two insights:

1. As I was falling asleep last night I noticed I was thinking about a particular woman from my past. This is not uncommon and I can get down on myself about it, exasperated really, because of the inordinate amount of time I still spend thinking about this person.

What was different last night is I had the thought, “Wow, this is a big wave.” Because I’ve been using the ocean and waves perspective in my meditation, I recognized these thoughts as simply a wave, yes a big one, but just a wave like any other wave.

And then it hit me. I have no reason to get down on myself about these thoughts. They’re no different than any other thoughts about the past. It’s all the same wave of non-presence.

2. Towards the end of today’s sit, I found myself wanting to be done, waiting for the final chimes. I saw this too as a wave, a wave of expectation, of fleeing the present for some “better” future. A mini-version of expecting my own death.

I reminded myself how great it is to be sitting—I have nothing to do, I don’t have to earn money, I don’t have to meet women, I don’t have to clean the house, nothing but sit. I entered a nice state of appreciation. Then I began to fear the final chimes because that would mean an end to the sit. More of the same wave!

I’m happy that this awareness is showing up both on the cushion and off. I think it signals a shift in my perspective.

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What’s working

A summary of what is working so far:

• Accountability: Calling my friend on week days at 6:30 has made my morning sits much more consistent
• Seat: The gift of the meditation seat and cushion made a huge difference in the quality of my sits
• Duration: Longer sits offer greater opportunities for reaching deep levels of concentration and for insight
• Logging: Recording my progress on this blog keeps me intentional about what I’m learning and experiencing
• Insight Timer: In addition to tracking my stats (how long and how frequent I sit), this app helps me feel connected to other people around the world who are sitting in meditation with me
• Attitude: Although I still get frustrated sometimes, I’ve become pretty accepting of whatever happens on the cushion, trusting that it is enough to show up and sit
• Posture: Shifting my mudra from hands together in front to hands on each knee has removed all pain in my left shoulder

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Day 65: Intervals and color

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

The interval bells I set on Insight Timer worked like a charm. They were a great reminder to refocus, and they set up a nice structure of manageable chunks of time for me to evaluate how continuous my staying was. I think tomorrow I’m going to set shorter intervals, maybe 2 or 3 minutes.

I “achieved” one of the phenomena I experienced on my meditation retreat: I lost color in my perception. Everything had a sepia tone look to it. I could break this easily by moving my eyes around the room, but as long as I was focused on one spot, color differences melted away. Although I get a kick out of this kind of thing, I recognize that it’s not a goal of meditation, just an enjoyable consequence.

After I’d reached a certain degree of concentration, I explored the ocean and waves perspective, especially with sounds, thoughts, shapes, and the rhythm of breath. I also took the mind perspective for a short while, but it was challenging to maintain.

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Day 64: Emerging and returning

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Concentration seemed challenging this morning. I found myself trying to duplicate Saturday night’s experience of the 3-part object as empty and getting frustrated. So I grounded myself in the feeling body and experienced the breath as emerging from and then returning to this whole body sense of awareness.

Also, I got the Insight Timer app working and used random interval bells as cues to refocus. Tomorrow I will used regular interval bells every 4 minutes and see what that’s like.

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Day 63: 0 minutes

Duration of today’s sit: 0 minutes

Today I find myself struggling with the ego issue of what “counts” as a meditation for this blog.

I participated in a 20-minute guided meditation led by Bashar this afternoon, and I’m tempted to count that so that I can say I sat today. But my intention is to create a consistent practice of sitting meditation at home, and I did not do that, so I’m inclined to not count today’s guided meditation.

It’s interesting how easily ego gets involved. 🙂

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Day 62: And counting

Duration of today’s sit: 10 minutes

The victory today is sitting. At 9 PM I chose to sit for 10 minutes, even though I was tired and still had a phone call I wanted to return.

During the sit, I focused on the 3-part object, specifically exploring the emptiness of it. I spent time starting my count on each part. For example, the usual way I do it is inhale, exhale, whole body; but I also counted exhale, whole body, inhale; and whole body, inhale, exhale.

I found myself unconsciously returning to the first way of counting, and it required greater concentration to maintain either of the other two types of counting. It became clear that any way of counting is a construction and thus empty.

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Day 61: Focus

Duration of today’s sit: 30 minutes

After a bit of frustration with technology (I upgraded my Insight Timer app, but it didn’t carry over my statistics), I began my sit.

Concentration was good with short periods of continuous and complete staying. I focused on the 7-point object, which is often challenging for me.

I found myself getting irritated by people outside. I peacefully shifted my focus to thoughts of people I’m grateful for. The effect on my body and emotions was profound.

A conscious shift in focus can change the world.

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Day 60: Compassion and progress

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

I did not want to sit today. It seemed like I could better use that time for sleeping or working or even just watching mindless television! That’s how lost I can get. Fortunately, I had my accountability partner to call. 🙂

I fell into a relatively concentrated state within five minutes, I’d guess. My staying was continuous and relatively complete for a short while. Then I slipped into a mentally agitated state for a good period, finally settling down again towards the end.

Concentrating felt like work, in a good way. I had the thought, “okay, I’m ready for this to be over,” and a few seconds later, the closing chimes sounded.

Two compassionate insights:

1. I’ve spent my whole life “practicing” mental agitation and non-presence. It’s okay if it takes a while to break that habit.
2. The more skillful I get, the greater my awareness of subtle mind activity, so as the mind quiets it may seem like there’s “more” obstacles to concentration, but I’m just seeing more.

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Day 59: Obvious

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Pathetic.

My mind directed that word at myself more than a few times this morning. My inability to concentrate or be present can get so frustrating. The frustration spirals into the fear that I’m going to waste my whole life squandering the present—a fear that is self-fulfilling in its non-presence.

I chose to let this frustration and fear be the subject of my meditation. What do they consist of? Some words and sentences in my thoughts, some pictures in my mind, some tightness in my body. That’s about it. They have no essence.

By contrast, I constructed appreciation and wonder. Different thoughts, different pictures, different body feelings.

In just seconds it’s obvious that neither the frustration nor the appreciation is more real than the other. Obvious on the cushion, that is. The shift happens when I’m able to see this truth off of the cushion. Such is the value of my meditation practice.

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What we mean by “I”

What we mean by “I” is nothing more than the voice in our head, a pattern of thoughts about past and future. We have no enduring essence, no “me” that exists when the brain stops functioning. “I” and “me” are words, nothing more. Spirit cannot be divided this way, spirit cannot be reduced to words. To know “yourself” as spirit you must transcend words, all words–those spoken, written, and thought.

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Day 58: Presence

Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes

Using the experience of yesterday’s sit, I focused initially on grounding myself in a felt sense of the body. Things clicked at about 23 minutes. From there I was able to maintain relatively continuous staying on the breath. I think this is a good strategy for me to practice and improve on.

After that click point and within the context of continuous staying, I was aware of very subtle shifts of my mind’s focus: breath/body to mind activity and back. Like an ebb and flow.

I was also aware of how “unpresent” I am in my every day experience of life, and how all of my suffering results from that. Even in 40 minutes of sitting meditation, true presence probably eludes me for more than 90% of the time. This was disheartening at first, but I trust that I am doing my best. Through commitment to this practice I will become more present. And in fact, this whole idea of “future presence” misses the point. The only thing that’s relevant is this: How present am I right now?

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