For my meditation this morning, I used a CD on attracting love that I borrowed from a friend. During the guided section, I was instructed to open a door and let in the woman I loved and who loves me. I was guided through three different situations in which she and I would experience loving each other and enjoying each other.
I was instructed to make one of those situations be about deep trust between us. For some reason, I started to imagine that this woman owned a snake. Now, ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a very intense phobia about snakes. So I started to feel all of that fear and anxiety in connection to this woman.
Pretty interesting, right?
I’ve known for some time that safety and trust are incredibly important to me. And when I have that in a relationship (romantic or platonic), I recognize it and appreciate it. But I had NO idea there was this intense kind of fear associated with it. No idea, none. In fact, it’s so surprising to me that part of me wants to discount this experience as random or perhaps having a different meaning.
But in a strange way, it makes sense. My most recent romantic relationship was with a woman who not only was planning to move 1000 miles away, but she had defined her priorities in such a way that made it impossible for us to have a long-term relationship. If I do have this deep fear around trust and safety, it makes sense I’d choose to be with someone who was unavailable, and therefore not a risk.
This insight is brand spanking new to me, so I’m still in the awareness and inquiry stage. As I understand it more, I’m sure I’ll talk about it in my posts.