Day 51 (2011-01-31): Even hell

Today was hell.

I didn’t write this morning. I meditated. That was somewhat peaceful, but as soon as I got up, the negative thoughts flooded in. I’ve been trying to focus my mind on appreciation, but every time I identify something to appreciate, something I can view as a gift, my mind has all kinds of evidence that it’s a burden, not a gift.

I felt hopeless all day because I can’t see a way out, I can’t envision a happy life. And worst of all, I feel like I’ve given up on pursuing some of the things I value most (like an intimate romantic relationship). I feel stuck, trapped in these thoughts of despair and frustration.

BUT…twice today my mind shut up when I spoke to some friends. In each conversation I felt normal, good even. This led to…

Insight #1: I’m happier when I’m interacting with other people than when I spend long periods of time by myself. I am “obligatorily gregarious” as the authors of Loneliness would say.

This evening I went to a Power of Now discussion group tonight to be with friends. The conversation turned to the idea that happiness is a choice. But how do I reconcile that with the “feeling stuck” experience I had all today? How can happiness be a choice when your perspective is so skewed that you can’t even see your way to it? And then it hit me…

Insight #2: This too shall pass.

Just because I can’t see the choice now doesn’t mean I won’t see it tomorrow or next week. I’ve had hellish days like today followed by happier days, sometimes some of the happiest days of my life.

When I don’t see possibility, just wait. Things will change. Even hell will pass.

Today’s report:

For most of the day it was a 1 out of 10, the bottom of the scale. Right now I’m feeling a 4, maybe 5.

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Day 50 (2011-01-30): Rejected and exploited

I’m half-way through these 100 days, and I feel like I’m experiencing life differently. Wouldn’t say I’m happy, but I’m not feeling as lost as I did when I started. I feel like my awareness of my feelings and where they come from has increased. And I had an insight today that seems to sum up a lot of what I’ve learned so far…

From p. 210 in Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick, on the complexities of the social dynamics and competition for alpha status in chimpanzee society:

Life for male chimpanzees is incredibly stressful. Researchers often see males trembling in fear, screaming, and suffering diarrhea because of their anxiety.

And on p. 211, concerning females who commit an offense against the matriarch and are momentarily ostracized for it:

This kind of rebuke can throw the younger animal into a tantrum right in front of the cold and rejecting elder. The affront is so stressful that it makes the subordinate physically sick, often causing her to vomit at the feet of her nemesis. It appears that apes do not enjoy social rejection any more than humans do.

Today, for the first time, I understand my feelings of loneliness in terms of social rejection, and I understand the degree to which such rejection has affected me. I see that what I’ve been describing as “safety” or “mattering” really comes down to the need to feel I’m part of a team.

Often, I assume a team relationship with people before there’s evidence that they feel that way too. I think that’s where I go to first: “Let’s be a team.” I recognize the value of teamwork for all. The team is greater than the sum of its parts. In Stephen Covey’s language, it’s the maturity continuum from dependence to independence to interdependence. Not everyone I meet is ready (or wants) to be on a team; some people are still in the dependence or independence stages. These are the people I feel “betrayed” by when they reject my team overtures. These are the people who “hurt me.”

And often it’s that one woman I’ve anointed as deserving of all of my love and attention; that’s when I suffer the most.

So let me try to summarize all of this for myself:

• I like to connect with people as a team.
• Some people who I try to connect with that way reject me by not accepting what I have to give.
• Others who I try to connect with, “exploit” me by taking what I have to give and not giving back.
• The rejection, though it’s disappointing, is not nearly as painful as the exploitation.
• The exploitation feeds the self-pity and social fears that create my feeling of loneliness.
• And because relationships are complex, those who don’t want to “team up” with me usually mix rejection with exploitation, taking what they can and then rejecting requests for reciprocation.

I feel like I now understand why I’ve pulled away from some people in my life. I now see that some of those relationships I was “carrying” that I described on day 47 included quite a bit of rejection and even some exploitation. By pulling away, I was recognizing how unhealthy those relationships were. I can remember looks, comments, and actions that made me want to vomit just like the anxious and rejected chimps. Even thinking about those moments now triggers a sick-to-my-stomach feeling.

I think a healthy strategy for living includes practicing awareness of how team-like my relationships are, investing in those that feel most like a team, ending those that are predominantly exploitative, and managing those in between the extremes with appropriate levels of depth or superficiality.

Today’s report:

I haven’t been working on my book very much in the past few weeks, and when I do I’m full of anxiety and negativity. The work that remains is pretty straightforward. It’s challenging, yes, but it’s my thoughts about the book that create the negative emotions. In parallel, I’m meditating less.

So my new plan is to schedule writing sessions every day, and if I “can’t” bring myself to write, I will meditate. I will confront these thoughts and not run from them. I will make room for them to teach me what they need to teach me. That way, at least if I’m not writing, I’m meditating.

Today I wrote for about an hour. I hated almost every second, except for a few minutes of inspiration.

I enjoyed a morning in bed reading and dozing and reading and dozing, just chilling with the cats.

I give the day a 6 out of 10.

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Day 49 (2011-01-29): No more authenticity

1. Everyone is inauthentic

We fool others. We fool ourselves. We let ourselves be fooled. All because we want to feel loved and accepted.

I watched Catfish today, a movie about how we misrepresent ourselves because of shame and regret, how easy it is to deceive others, and how easy it is to be deceived. These are all themes I’m exploring in my 100 Days of Peace, so the movie affected me deeply.

No matter how honest I try to be, the story of me that I tell the world is just that, a story. And the story of me that you want to believe is not me either. So deception is inherent in the process. Then when we factor in our fears, insecurities, dreams, and egos, we begin to have an agenda with our stories. We shape them to influence the world, to influence how we interact with others and how they interact with us.

Catfish presents an extreme example of what you and I do every day.

I feel a shift, an insight. Authenticity is not a result that can be achieved through effort. It’s like life. “I’m going to try to be more alive.” That’s meaningless in any objective sense. I find both life and authenticity when I stop telling stories. I find both life and authenticity in my experience right now.

This insight frees me of the judgment I place on myself and others for “being inauthentic.” Everyone is inauthentic when they talk about life. And everyone is authentic when they experience it.

Some people have described the ending of the movie as a “letdown.” I think the filmmakers made a wise choice to keep it low key. You get to see that the person behind the deception is not a monster, but a person who is scared, sad, regretful, and ashamed. You get to see yourself in their humanity. There’s no such thing as a liar; there’s simply a person who has lied. And that describes everyone.

Everyone.

2. Superficial

I interacted with a person today that I used to be very good friends with. He decided to cut ties with me about 6 months ago, which although unexpected was welcomed. The only bit of unfinished business was that I didn’t know how we would interact with one another when we eventually found ourselves in the same room (we have lots of common friends). Turns out we did just fine.

What it made me aware of is the varying levels of depth to which I will engage people when I interact with them. Some people I like to go deep with, some I like to stay nice and shallow. Although I prefer the deep relationships, the shallow ones have their place, especially at times like tonight. I now see that shallow relationships are not good or bad, nor right or wrong. And in fact, they are necessary to maintain relationships with people who you simply don’t spend enough time with to go deep.

I feel relieved. I felt comfortable around him, and I hope he did too.

Today’s report:

7 out of 10. I had lots of fun today and enjoyed time with good friends. There was laughter, deep conversation, and singing!

No meditation today.

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Day 48 (2011-01-28): As good as

Today was horrible. Internally, not externally. And that sums up everything, doesn’t it?

I spent most of the day lost in thoughts of failure and hopelessness culminating in the thought, “Is this all there is?” My focus was on what I perceived to be missing from my life. The thing “missing” that causes the most suffering is someone to share sexual and emotional intimacy with. Sex is one of our most basic functions, and to feel so lost in that area of my life leads me to conclude that I’ve failed at life. It’s as if I am starving because I can’t find food when everyone else around me is full.

But that’s just representative of a mindset, a mindset that focuses on what’s missing, and then dismisses what I have with “Is this all?”

In that place of despair, I had another thought that depressed me further still: “This is the best life gets.” But for some reason, I took a closer look at that thought…and I felt a little better.

Let’s assess my life for a moment: I have a healthy body, a creative mind. I have no debt. I am safe and comfortable where I live. Most of my relationships are on good terms, and even the very few that aren’t don’t present themselves as problems. In fact, the only “problems” I have in my life are the ones my mind creates. I have no enemies but my own thoughts. Vapors, ghosts. Not real.

Such a life truly is as good as it gets.

So strange how the same thought can lead to utter hopelessness or sincere appreciation.

Today’s report:

No meditation this morning. Not sure if I’m going to meditate tonight.

Most of today was about 2 out of 10, but as I write this I’m feeling a 5.

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Day 47 (2011-01-27): Boring

I’ve become boring.

And I’m getting to be okay with that.

I remember when I heard a few years ago that Anthony Robbins had divorced his wife. I saw a picture of his new wife and I had the reaction most people probably had: He got super rich and famous and dumped his wife for a hottie. Then I heard his side of the story…

He realized that his relationship with his first wife was good, but it was because he was good at relationship. He could generate energy for that relationship that was enough to sustain it and keep it healthy. But if he stopped, the relationship floundered. So he ended it, and he found someone who he didn’t have to try so hard with, someone with whom he could co-create that energy.

I, too, am good at relationship. I can listen well, I can understand and empathize, I can love unconditionally, I can be funny, I can be thoughtful—all together, I can “show a person a good time.” So what? So fucking what? They’re thinking “oh this relationship is so great, you’re such a good friend, you’re so important to me.” Blah, blah, blah. I’m thinking, “I’m tired, but if I stop, they won’t like me anymore.” When I “should” be thinking, to quote Eddie Murphy, “what have you done for me lately?”

This 100-day journey is me coming out of hiding about how I really feel. Letting people see me when I’m sad, or down, or tired, or whatever. One of the results of that is I’ve given myself permission to stop “carrying” some relationships. I don’t try to be funny or interesting or understanding. Sometimes I’m naturally funny or interesting or understanding, but other times I’m not. And that’s when I can feel people wondering “what the hell is wrong with him?”

I remember several years ago when a girlfriend ended our romantic relationship. She said she wanted to stay friends. My response to her was that I would like to stay friends, but she needed to carry that responsibility for a while, so that I could trust her again. She said she would. She didn’t. And I’m happy about that because it freed me of the weight of that relationship.

Why carry a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you enough to share in the responsibility for creating that relationship? It’s insane.

In Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick, they make a compelling case that altruism is not the most effective way of living. In study after study, what seems to always produce better results is “a ‘do unto others’ bias toward generosity and helpfulness, with other alternatives kept readily at hand to avoid exploitation and abuse.”

My new strategy for relationship is to begin with some positive energy and then take my cue from the other person. They can have a freebie at the beginning, but if they don’t participate, if they think they’re just going to sit back and enjoy the ride, I stop generating. I become “boring.”

Today’s report:

I meditated this morning. Got in very late tonight so I’m not going to meditate, just go to bed.

I worked on my book and feel very good about the progress I made. Saw some amazingly fun bands perform tonight. I was there to see the opening band and after they finished I told my friend, “Let’s give the headliners two songs and if they don’t knock my socks off we can go.” Well, within 5 seconds of their first song I was giggling like a little boy. What a surprise!

I give today a 7 out of 10.

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Day 46 (2011-01-26): Second chance

1. Hell

After writing my post last night and before going to bed, I worked myself up into a horrible feeling of neediness, rejection, and despair. I’m talking a good 1 out of 10 feeling. It was amazing how quickly I could cycle through a specific series of thoughts, memories, and mental movies to create such a hellish experience of life. My own little recipe for hell.

And it all centered around one person. Well, my mental projection of that person. I hate this. Hate, hate, hate. So much so I want to give myself a lobotomy just to shut my mind the fuck up.

2. Second chances

A friend of mine wants me to do some freelance work for her. We discussed it today and I could see how defensively and personally her ego was taking the conversation. She started off in a place of fear, and then anything I said that wasn’t in alignment with what she wanted from me would irritate that fear. Her ego even used some dirty tricks (to her credit, she saw what was going on). She tried to tell me about how she felt I had deceived her, describing it as a story that she knew wasn’t true, but when I challenged the story, she noticed resistance; she noticed that below her “awareness” of the story not being true was a hidden feeling that it was true.

I’m not sure what to do. After sleeping on it (I’m finishing this post for Wednesday on Thursday morning), I’m feeling that the energy is wrong. The offer I made is a good one for me financially. But there’s this big energetic warning light flashing, saying “you’ll be sorry.” This is someone I’ve tried to work with in the past and it hasn’t been a positive experience for me.

I feel like this is part of a “give them another chance” pattern I have. I truly believe in giving people the opportunity to grow, to not condemn them for past actions. But this pattern I’m talking about comes from a self-doubt feeling, a “maybe I was wrong about them” feeling. I even do it with CDs. There’s the one awful Queensryche CD that I revisit every 5 years or so; I love lots of their albums, so I think, “Well, it couldn’t be that bad, right? Maybe I was wrong. Let me give it another chance.” And it’s just as horrible as I remembered.

I think second chances are healthy for me when they come from grace, not when they come from some sense that I am flawed and “maybe it was my fault.” It’s like the battered woman who returns to her husband. It’s one thing if he’s spent years in therapy and shown a pattern of new, non-violent behavior. But it’s another thing if she goes back because she thinks the beating was her fault.

In Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick, they show that lonely people have a greater “willingness to endure exploitation.” I think I’m tuning into my susceptibility for exploitation.

Today’s report:

I meditated this morning and tonight before bed. I’m dealing with enough anxiety that meditation is a welcome companion. I worked on my book today, which felt like a victory. Though, I did avoid working on it for a good chunk of time.

I give today a 5 out of 10.

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Day 45 (2011-01-25): Trust and safety

I spoke with a man today about a group he runs called Men Healing Men. The primary focus of the group is holding, and being held by, other men. There’s enough fear in me at the thought of that, that I knew it was something I needed to learn more about. In talking with him, I had an insight…

My intimacy issues with women are related to an inability to feel safe around men. At its most fundamental level, intimacy is about relationships between humans. If I have a serious block around intimacy with one half of the human population (men), of course that’s going to affect my relationships with the other half (women).

Since my friend Scott died two years ago, I haven’t had a strong male role model in my life. And before him, I can’t think of another. I do not trust men enough to give them that “power” “over” me. This stems from my relationship with my father. My mother, on the other hand, I trusted completely and felt absolutely safe around. So I don’t think twice about giving women that power. In fact, I have a crazy neediness to give women that power in order to affirm my value in life.

So if I can get more comfortable in my relationships with men, I think I will stop putting so much psychological and emotional weight on my relationships with women, especially the one “special” woman I tend to anoint as the focus of my love and attention. In fact, maybe I will no longer have a need for that “special” woman and I can break out that pattern.

Today’s report:

I meditated first thing this morning and I intend to meditate tonight when I go to bed. It’s a little before 11 now, so I’m earlier than last night and closer to my 10 PM target.

I haven’t written in several days. I’ve been running from it. I’m scared. I have the whole day blocked out for writing tomorrow.

Today is another 5 out of 10. Good awareness, good insights, good connections with people. But still that feeling of running/hiding from my destiny.

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Day 44 (2011-01-24): My new best friend

This afternoon I was overwhelmed with anxiety and thoughts like I’m “falling behind” and “don’t have enough time.” Illusions, yes, but simply recognizing that didn’t help me feel better. So I laid down and turned on my favorite meditation recording.

Within 15 minutes I was feeling completely grounded and peaceful.

And at some point I had the thought, “Meditation is my new best friend.” Just like a good friend, meditation calms me down when I’m upset, doesn’t judge me, and always gives generously. And I remembered something I wrote down in my Financial Alchemy journal for the first quarter of 2011. It was the “Make a wish” section which reads: “What’s the big thing you want to have happen this quarter?” My response…

“A best friend.”

Today’s report:

I stayed up late again last night and didn’t meditate this morning. I’m going to meditate tonight in bed. It’s after 11 as I write this. I could have stayed up later but I caught myself in that pattern and am going to bed.

I went out tonight to a discussion group meeting. I was feeling down and almost didn’t go. I’m happy I did. It was a great example how easy it can be to shift my energy just by taking some kind of action.

I give today a 5 out of 10.

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Day 43 (2011-01-23): Goodbye, "friends"

A good deal of this 100-day journey seems to be about recognizing the patterns and structures that create my “old” experience of life, and breaking them so that I can create a “new” experience of life. Case in point: Facebook.

Although there may very well be some redeemable aspects to Facebook, for me, the net effect is emotionally crippling. My neediness is fed and reinforced by this structure. I’ve had some success with it as a marketing channel for my coaching business, so I’m not ready to give it up entirely, but I’ve made some changes:

1. I’ve hidden almost everyone from my News Feed. I’ve kept clients active plus any businesses or interests I like to receive updates from. But for my important personal relationships, I’d rather invest my energy into connecting with those people in person or by telephone, not “tweets.”
2. I will not log in unless I have a clear purpose to share something of value. It may be marketing related, or simply something inspirational. This will keep my visits short.
3. If I’m wondering what a friend is up to, I will call them. I will emphasize deep connections, even at the cost of some relationships. I would rather not relate to someone at all than relate to them through tweets and comments and clicks of the “Like” button.

Daily report:

I was exhausted today. Staying up late took it’s toll. Spent most of the day with my sister and nieces—saw a play based on the book, The Borrowers, and then played the Wii. All in all, a very playful weekend.

Met up with a friend in the evening and coached her on the completion of her CD. She had some big breakthroughs. I can forget just how good I am at coaching. I change people’s lives. I’d like to remember that more. When I’m in it, I can’t believe there are times when I feel like a piece of shit. “Who is that person who is so afraid?” It’s almost like split personality disorder.

Today was a 5 out of 10. It would have been better if I wasn’t so exhausted. The insight today is that my physical state definitely influences my feelings on any given day. 10 PM. I know how important that bedtime is to me. I intend to focus more on getting to bed by 10.

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Day 42 (2011-01-22): Never the same

Had a good cry in the car this afternoon. I was listening to a song and thinking about my mom. Some of the lyrics from Never the Same by Echolyn:

What can I say?
What can I do you for you?
Some are here for but a moment
Then are taken in an instant to eternity
Remember life and what’s been shared with you
That you have shared

It’s funny how we feel closer
With the ones that we love
When they’re farthest away
You can feel them so near
Just ’round the corner the memory still clear

“There’s never endings only discovery,”
I tell myself over and over again
Some leave their mark in our hearts then go

It’s hard to continue onward
When forever comes down it comes down so heavy
Too final to forget

After the song is over
The dance goes on, so dance away
When all is said and done
Remember what’s been given, not taken away

Remember all the life you shared every day
There’s never any endings
…but I’ll never be the same

I’ve heard it said that when someone you love dies, you heal, but life settles in to a “new normal.” For me, there’s still lots of sadness.

Daily report:

I went ice skating today. It’s tough to ice skate and not feel like a kid. Very playful. Also, I got to play with my friend’s kids today and then later, my nieces. I think it was very healthy for me to be in that playful energy. My oldest niece was especially cuddly and giggly.

We went out to dinner for my dad’s birthday. He ordered a fish which was served whole, deep-fried I think. I ate its face. I can’t resist eating weird foods. It’s like I have to have the experience, I have to know what it’s like to eat a fish’s face, for example.

I stayed up extremely late (past 3 AM) calling some friends in Australia and Arizona. My housemate came in to tell me he could hear me on the phone and asked me to be quieter. I was so grateful that he did that. Direct communication like that strengthens a relationship, and I was happy he felt like he could do that.

I give today a 6 out of 10. It was fun, but I felt like I was running from something all day.

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Day 41 (2011-01-21): Growth

1. Anxiety

Had a knot in my stomach all morning until early afternoon. I did not have any appointments, so my plan was to focus on my book all day. However, I kept stacking and stacking all kinds of worries onto it: If I don’t finish this book, I won’t be able to grow my business; if I don’t grow my business, I won’t be able to make more money; if I don’t make more money, I won’t be able to buy a house and date women and travel and do all the things I want to do in my life.

So the book carries the weight of all of my entire future. Not really, of course. But there’s the fear that it does. So even when I talk to myself logically, my body still holds the tension in the pit of my stomach.

Not to mention, revising this book is difficult. So there’s that whiny voice (just like in yoga class), “I don’t want to do this, it’s hard.” Day by day, page by page. Keep it small. But the challenge with keeping it small is that I’m doing some global revisions to structure. So I need to try to hold the whole picture in my head to see how each piece relates to the others. Maybe “keep it small” means keep the stakes small: It’s just a book.

I had support in the morning to help me through it. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t total hell either. And then in the afternoon and early evening, I left the house and worked at a coffee shop. Changing up the environment made the work a little easier. I’d make deals with myself. “Get through the next two sections and you can check email.” “Complete 6 sections and you can get a cookie.”

2. Choosing me

I’m growing. I had two different women invite me out tonight. In both cases, I would typically want to please them to get their approval. In both cases, they were inviting me to stay out later than I wanted to (I want to get up early tomorrow and write). And so I said no. I chose me. It was a peaceful no, a peaceful choice made with the clarity of what was most important to me. I did not feel defensive. I did not make them wrong. They wanted what they wanted. I wanted what I wanted. It wasn’t personal.

My perspective on relationships is shifting. When choices align for the highest and best good of all involved, I am happy to engage in these relationships. When choices don’t align, we wish each other well and part ways until next time.

I’m also seeing that it’s not in my highest and best good to be “dating” my female friends. To protect myself from rejection, I pour myself into relationships with women I’m not dating. It’s purely platonic but it also feels enough like a date that the itch is scratched. It’s a mindset thing. I don’t think the activity necessarily defines it as a date (for example, I will go to the movie with a male friend and I don’t consider that a date). I think with a woman, I let myself on some level play act that it’s a date. It’s not even a conscious thing. And that’s the point. I’m aware that stuff I’m not intending is happening below the level of consciousness when I act this way. And it feeds the approval craving.

So the growth is this: I still feel the craving to please and seek approval, but I’m not so quick to act on it.

3. Destiny

I meant to write about this a few days ago. I saw one of the most thrilling and inspiring movies I’ve ever seen. A documentary, actually. It’s called Man on Wire, about a man who walked across a wire strung between the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Despite all of the seemingly insurmountable challenges he faced (including not having permission), he did it.

I won’t say anymore, except that I wrote this formula after seeing the film:

Destiny = Inspiration + Heart + Team + Luck

What inspires me? How much passion can I create? Who do I want on my team? And what magical opportunities are presenting themselves to me? Imagine what life would be like if we were guided by these questions every day.

Today’s report:

Pretty even, 5 out of 10. Lots of anxiety as I mentioned, but lots of powerful choices. No meditation.

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Day 40 (2011-01-20): Free

I had a very good conversation with my brother-in-law today. We talked about my mom’s death and he contrasted it to his father’s situation. His father has been ill for about 5 years and it’s taken its toll on everyone who is caring for him. My mom died relatively quickly. We only learned of her cancer a few months before she died. Had we known a year earlier, would she have lived any longer? Or would we all have just worried about her situation longer? Up until maybe 4 months before she died, she lived her life free of the knowledge that she was dying. Maybe that was a gift.

So my perspective on her death has expanded, shifted. I still struggle with guilt, the weight of the thoughts that I was her life line and I failed her. But the “wrongness” of the situation has lessened. I feel freer than I did yesterday.

Today’s report:

I meditated this morning. Not sure about tonight yet. I’ve been drinking some beer and it’s very late. I may turn on a show on my computer and crash.

I squandered much of the day, just like yesterday. Maybe not as much, but maybe as much. Hard to say because there’s a lot of judgment blurring my vision. With the amount of time I spend worrying and avoiding and fretting, I could take at least two full days off a week. Hm. Maybe I should just fucking do that. Take two days off each week. Go to the movies, to the mall, to the bookstore, whatever.

I did enjoy time with my family tonight. I really do love them. When I’m not in my head I can appreciate the time with them.

Today was a 4 out of 10. Not horrible.

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Day 39 (2011-01-19): Big and little

The more I practice conscious awareness of my thoughts, the more I notice how much of the stress and anxiety I feel comes from a mental tension between the “big” things I “want” to put my time and energy into and the “little” things I “have” to put my time and energy into.

Examples of big things:

• Completing my book
• Inquiry and meditation
• Experiencing adventures with friends and cultivating intimate relationships
• Clearing clutter and simplifying my environment

Examples of little things:

• Returning emails and phone calls
• Cleaning the house, dishes, etc.
• Paperwork
• Worrying about what others may or may not think about me

And even my collection of daily rituals (like writing these blog posts) seem to “compete” with the big things for time.

I know how to respond—to get the big things on my schedule each week (to put the “big rocks” in the jar first), to challenge the assumptions behind anything that feels like an obligation and reframe it as a choice, etc. I teach this stuff.

I think what’s surprising to me is just how much of my anxiety stems from this mental tension. The insight here is that my anxiety is not so complicated, not such a mystery. I’m going to focus my energy on this issue in the same way I would coach a client, and observe what happens to my anxiety.

Today’s report:

No meditation this morning or tonight before bed. But I did meditate briefly this afternoon and also in my meditation class this evening.

I felt like I squandered the day. I had opportunities to focus on my big rocks, but talked myself out of most of them. In retrospect, it seems very disrespectful to myself, like I sold myself short today. It was challenging to be present in yoga class and meditation class. I wanted to get the hell out of there many times. So I would try to breathe and get into my body. It was a great exercise, feeling all of that mental resistance and not engaging it.

Today was a 3 out of 10.

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Day 38 (2011-01-18): A good, long day

1. Connection to body

In yoga class tonight I set the intention to be aware of how my body feels in the various poses. And it was great. One of the most enjoyable classes in a long time.

I have a love/hate thing with yoga. I always feel great after class, but sometimes (less so recently) I really resist it while I’m doing it. It’s the whiny child in me saying, “This is hard, I don’t want to do this.”

But tonight my mind was relatively silent while I focused on my body. And I was able to maintain this silent mind for a good percentage of the time, certainly more than half. It felt like a qualitatively different way of experiencing yoga, an important shift. I’m psyched.

2. Coaching vs. thinking about coaching

I gave 4 coaching sessions today, which is a pretty full day considering each session is an hour and requires some prep and then paperwork afterward, plus all of the other business stuff I try to fit in around the sessions. And in each session I truly enjoyed doing the coaching. (This is pretty typical; I enjoy coaching.)

But yesterday when I was thinking about my schedule for today, I kept thinking, “Ugh, 4 sessions in one day.” Clearly, there’s a difference in how I relate to the work and how I relate to the idea of work. I think that’s because I can get critical of my material “short-comings” in life, so when I think of work, it feels like a big “what’s the point?” In those moments, I’m focusing more on the result (the money/material reward) instead of the process (the actual coaching experience).

This is another example of how we get two completely different realities from focusing on life vs. thoughts about life.

Today’s report:

A very strange day. I was up at 3:30 AM. I guess that’s what happens when you go to bed before 8 PM. I meditated to the recording I like, and though it wasn’t that deeply peaceful experience I sometimes have, it was deeper than yesterday. Still a good deal of anxiety. There were moments when my mind was quiet and I settled into the deep peace. The physical feelings of anxiety were still present, but held lovingly in a space of peace.

I had 4 coaching sessions, which I already talked about above. And it’s the final day of my 7-day juice fast. And I went to yoga class tonight. A long day.

As I write this, it’s a little before midnight. So I’ve been awake for over 19 hours, and I never once felt tired like I do on “less busy” days. There’s a lesson here. More activity can mean a higher energy level, and less activity can mean a lower energy level.

I give today a 7 out of 10. There wasn’t much time for my mind to entertain sad “poor me” stories, so I experienced more of life and therefore felt better about it.

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Day 37 (2011-01-17): Loneliness

Some illuminating excerpts from Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick. From p. 174

One of the distinguishing characteristics of people who have become chronically lonely is the perception that they are doomed to social failure, with little if any control over external circumstances.

And from p. 176:

In an effort to protect themselves against disappointment and the pain of rejection, the lonely can come up with endless numbers of reasons why a particular effort to reach out will be pointless, or why a particular relationship will never work.

When I think about cultivating intimate connections, especially romantic ones, I often feel like my efforts are “doomed” and therefore “pointless.” To protect myself from rejection, I choose “unavailable” women to pour myself into, which only reinforces the “doomed” and “pointless” feelings. And what if one of these women were to suddenly become available and reciprocate my love and attention? Even at the thought of that, I talk myself into all of the reasons why that relationship would not work.

From p. 156:

Loneliness…is a state of mind that puts your head front and center.

When I feel grounded in my body, I tend to feel more connected to the people I am with. But much of my connection with my body (via meditation, for example) happens in isolation. Maybe this is why I appreciate my meditation class so much. How could I bring more body awareness into my social interactions? A good inquiry to explore…

And even in isolation, inhabiting my body more can only break the pattern of inhabiting my mind, where loneliness takes root.

And finally, from p. 127:

The attempt to function in denial of our need for others, whether that need is great or small in any given individual, violates our design specifications… Social connection is a fundamental part of the human operating (and organizing) system itself.

Most illuminating is that social connection is a biological need that stems from our evolutionary path.

I see that my approval craving comes from this need, though it’s grown to the point where it interferes with the very social connection I crave. That’s a theme that the authors return to often: Loneliness inhibits a person’s ability to connect and therefore continually reinforces itself.

What I take away from all of this is a deeper understanding of why I feel the way I do, and the acknowledgment that there’s nothing wrong with me for wanting to connect.

I look forward to reading what the authors have to say about breaking out of the cycle of loneliness…

Today’s report:

I used my favorite recording for meditation this morning. The experience wasn’t as grounding as the past few days. There was a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I could relax around it to a certain degree, but not like my experience on day 35.

Today was low, a 2 out of 10. I felt anxiety most of the day, and had difficulty focusing on moving any one project forward. No real motivation other than “should” and “have to.”

I desperately wanted to eat food today to comfort myself and flee my feelings. I’m happy that I “couldn’t.” The timing of this juice fast (coinciding with my 100 Days of Peace) is perfect.

It’s a little after 7 and I’m exhausted, so I’m going to bed.

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Day 36 (2011-01-16): Retreat

I spent this afternoon at a healing retreat at Temenos led by Jasmine Kaloudis and Nancy Boudrie, and experienced two meaningful shifts:

1. Who gives the greatest gifts?

During a long guided meditation I became aware of the wonderfully special gift of breath. I had the thought, “Breath is the greatest gift you can give, and you can only give it to yourself.” Let me explain.

First, through my breath I experienced a deeply peaceful and joyful awareness of my body, my physical experience of life. I felt grounded in the present and, in Joseph Campbell’s words, the “rapture of being alive.” That’s what I mean when I say breath is the greatest gift.

And I received this gift by paying attention to my breath, giving my full attention to my experience of breathing. Self-attention is not something you can give to another.

This is very meaningful to me. The idea that the greatest gift in life cannot be given to others, only to oneself. I think this is true of breath, presence, joy, and even love. No matter how loving others are to us, we create our own feelings. We say things like, “That made me feel loved.” But I make me feel loved by creating the feeling for myself. Someone else’s action might give me the excuse to create the feeling, but I create it. In that way, only I can give myself the gift of love.

2. Mind and body

At one point during the retreat, I felt very much rooted in my body as opposed to my mind. And I realized I always have a choice:

• I can inhabit my mind and use my body
• I can inhabit my body and use my mind

Most (if not virtually all) of my life, I’ve chosen the former. My journey recently has been to explore the latter. And I prefer it.

Today’s report:

I tried meditating last night without a recording and felt anxious and distracted the whole time. I think I’m going to stick with the recordings for a while.

I was feeling overwhelmed this evening after I got home from the retreat, but I focused on completing my estimated taxes for 2010 Q4, and I feel a little better. Still struggling with the whole “feeling behind” delusion.

I give today a 7 out of 10, though I feel more like a 3 or 4 right at this moment.

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Day 35 (2011-01-15): The future

Today I was revising the section of my book on the importance of having a friendly relationship with the future. Yes, you want to be present. But the future helps create a context for your choices now. If thinking about the future makes you uneasy, that will affect how you experience the present.

Again, there’s life and then there are one’s thoughts about life. What I want to acknowledge for myself in this 100-day journey is that it’s okay—natural, in fact—to have thoughts about life. Maybe less of them, sure. And that’s what my meditation practice is about. But when I do have thoughts about life (instead of experiencing life), I want those thoughts to be relatively harmonious with life, not resistant to it.

Today’s report:

In my meditation this morning I experienced a deep grounded feeling in my body. There was still some anxiety left over from the situation I described yesterday, but it was okay. It’s like when a child cries from a nightmare and you, the parent, aren’t worried because you know it was just a dream and they are okay.

I’m going to try meditating tonight without a recording again.

Spent the morning writing and the afternoon playing with friends. I’ve had a twinge of anxiety all day that’s gotten a little worse this evening as I’ve been thinking about life and what I “have to” do tomorrow and in the coming weeks. Be present, be present, be present.

I’d say today was a 6 out of 10. It was positive except for that low level anxiety.

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Day 34 (2011-01-14): Return to presence

I found out tonight that a friend doesn’t like me. More of an acquaintance really; although I like this person enough to call her a friend, our paths don’t really cross that often. I don’t know the details of why she doesn’t like me because she didn’t communicate with me about it. Which brings me back to this whole difference between life and thoughts about life…

Now, I’m not very good with conflict. It makes me uncomfortable. And I feel anxiety because she doesn’t like me anymore. But what’s the reality here? She hasn’t confronted me about anything, we haven’t argued or fought, there’s been no real, tangible conflict between us. In other words, nothing in my life has actually changed at all except for my thoughts.

So what’s the problem? Only this: My mental version of her has a negative opinion of a mental version of me. That’s two levels removed from reality. It’s insane to let that cause me anxiety.

So I am going to return to the present. To feel peace and joy in sitting here with my cats, typing on my laptop. And I let go of all of the rest.

Today’s report:

I did not meditate this morning and do not intend to before going to sleep. The mental cravings for food are intense. Physically, I feel fine. But I want my comfort foods, dammit! So I’m going to treat myself to comfort TV again. I know that meditation could serve me well, to sit with my cravings and observe them. I intend to do that tomorrow night.

Today was a 7 out of 10. I got to connect with several amazing friends today, people with whom I share a deep mutual affection and appreciation. It helps validate my choices in life to know that people I esteem so highly feel the same about me. But that’s not the true value of those relationships because that validation is just more “thoughts about life.” It’s how uplifted and peaceful I feel in their presence that truly counts.

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Day 33 (2011-01-13): Start with cruelty

I’m becoming aware of a deep desire in me to fall in love with myself.

Typically, there’s one “special” person in my life that I laser-focus my complete and unconditional love and attention on above all others. But what if I could see myself in the way that I see them…? What if I could be just as enthusiastic, forgiving, caring, thoughtful, encouraging, and compassionate to myself…? What if I interpreted every action I took, every word I spoke, with the same grace, wonder, and understanding I give to others…?

I’ve known for a while now that one of the things I’m best at in life is loving, especially in the context of an intimate relationship. And I’ve felt so frustrated that for so much of my life I “haven’t been able to” do what I do best, to self-actualize that part of me. But I was blind to the person I have the most intimate connection with.

In fact, a year ago I wrote a song that I’m just now starting to truly understand. This is not the first time I’ve expressed something artistically, only to come to understand it much later. Here are the lyrics:

No One Here

My cupboard is bare when there’s no one to feed
My room’s a vacuum when no one’s here to breathe
My mirror is empty when there’s no one but me
My sky goes pitch black when no one’s here to see
And I lose my voice when there’s no one here to hear me

There’s no one here, no one here, no one here, no one here

My deck’s full of fools when there’s no one to play
My faucet is dry when there’s no one to bathe
My words are all insults when there’s no one to praise
I might as well die when no one’s here to save
There’s no one, no one here to hear me

There’s no one here, no one here, no one here, no one here

I see the trees are all falling
And all in front of me
All those trees falling, and falling
silently

Punchlines fall flat when no one’s here to laugh
Once volumes to share, now a lone paragraph
The air has a chill when there’s no one to hug
If I’m with myself, there’s no one here to love

I see the trees are still falling
And all in front of me
The trees are still falling, and falling silently
The trees are still falling
Right in front of me
All those trees falling, and falling, and falling…

And no one hears, no one hears, no one hears, no one hears

I think of the list of people (let’s be honest: women) who’ve been on the receiving end of my laser-focus and I’m jealous. We tend to give love in the way that we seek love, and I’ve been secretly hoping that if I keep loving so deeply and intentionally then someone will love me back like that. But the truth is, I’ve been afraid of receiving love. So I subconsciously pick women who are unable to give back, either because of situational factors or emotional blocks or both. That way, I get to pour myself into these people without having to deal with the questions of self-worth that would show up if they were to reciprocate.

This is not a new awareness for me. What is new is the burgeoning desire to love myself. Maybe I am ready to start receiving love…maybe it begins with me…

And at the same time, I still treat myself with such cruelty. I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I kept running movies in my head of how I’ve “been hurt” by various women, one event in particular. But this event happened once. It hurt me once. Each time I replay it in my head, I’m the one hurting me. I wouldn’t remind you over and over again of a time you were hurt, because that would be cruel, unloving.

Well, I can start with that. If someone I loved unconditionally treated me cruelly (which has happened), I would understand and forgive them (which has happened). So let me start there. I forgive myself for unconscious and cruel thoughts. I forgive myself.

Today’s report:

I meditated this morning without a recording and found that I judged myself less. Good progress.

Day 2 of the juice fast was challenging. I wanted to seek solace in comfort foods.

Had a great coaching session with a business client. She had a huge breakthrough that came from being honest with me. It may sound obvious but that’s what makes the coaching relationship powerful. I believe the client has all of the answers, and my job is to listen for them. If a client doesn’t tell me the whole story, I can’t be very effective. Some clients can get caught up in telling me what they think I want to hear or what they think they should say—they’re trying to be “good coaching clients.” I’ve done it myself so I know how slippery it can be. But when a client opens up to me about what they really want, then we can focus on how to create it. That’s what pumps me up about my work.

Also got to spend time with my sister and family. Went sledding with one of my nieces.

So the day was a 5 out of 10. There was lots of good stuff happening, but I wasn’t very present to it. Hm, that’s interesting. Reminds me of Day 19 when I noticed that a painful day could still be rated highly. In this case, a pleasurable day got rated lower than I would have thought. Yes, I think presence is the key to my ratings. I will pay attention to this from now on.

I’m going to watch something on my computer instead of meditating. Comfort TV instead of comfort food.

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Day 32 (2011-01-12): Thinking about it

1. Thinking and doing

This morning, I read something in Ajahn Brahm’s Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung? that adds another dimension to the “life vs. thoughts about life” theme I’ve been exploring:

Thinking about it is harder than doing it.

The anxiety I’ve created over the past two days comes from thinking about “all of the stuff I have to do.” None of it is that complicated or difficult. And when I do something, I typically do it well. I will pay attention to when my thoughts of something are making it harder or bigger than it might actually be.

2. Who am I?

I was doing my 2011 planning and reviewing some quarterly planning I did in 2010 when I came across this note to myself:

Discover what is the same about the experience of being alone and the experience of being with others—whatever that is, that is me, that is peace.

I intend to bring this into my inquiry.

3. Looking for suffering

In meditation class tonight we did a technique in which you focused on something that you typically resist or run from. You created a mental picture of it and breathed it in, not running from it. Then you breathed out the “antidote.” I found this very challenging. As soon as I started looking for something to focus on, it was like a whole long line of sufferings proceeded before my mind’s eye. A pity parade. It left me feeling like my life sucks.

What I found insightful was that when suffering shows up spontaneously, I typically don’t have a problem sitting with it. In fact, that’s what these 100 Days of Peace are all about. The difference is that in the meditation exercise, instead of sitting with spontaneous suffering, I went looking for suffering. And boy did I find it.

I’m not sure I understand why this little difference had such a large effect. Could be another version of “Thinking about it is harder than doing it.” More for inquiry.

Today’s report:

I meditated last night and this morning without using a recording to guide me. I found myself getting distracted easily, almost instantly in fact. And getting critical of myself. When I lose focus while someone else is guiding the meditation, I don’t criticize myself; I just redirect my focus back to the object of meditation. What’s the difference? Why am I critical when I’m “leading” my meditation? I will use a recording tonight when I go to bed.

I began day 1 of a 7-day juice fast. I’m feeling good but a little light-headed.

I completed my 2011 planning today at Barnes & Noble. It was good to leave the house. I may do the same tomorrow to work on clearing out my email inbox.

Reading Brahm’s book triggered thoughts of my mom. He talks about leaving a really good concert, wanting more but appreciating that you were there to witness such a wonderful performance. I do feel that way about my mom. I think the thing that trips me up the most is guilt/shame that I “let” her die. I feel some additional shame admitting that because I hear all the voices of all my family and friends, “It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself.” I know, but the thought is there nonetheless.

I give today a 5 out of 10. Felt very even, not up, not down.

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Day 31 (2011-01-11): Environment is stronger than willpower

All today I felt scattered and distracted, trying to focus but swirling in feelings of anxiety and fear. I found myself wanting to “get the hell out of here,” to escape. But from where and to where?

I realized that I was relating to my space (my room, my home) in a way that was causing anxiety. All of my little projects and piles were calling my name. So much to do, and where to start? I was calm and focused for all of my coaching appointments, but that’s never a problem for me. It’s the self-directed time, the “willpower” time that can be challenging. This is what Bucky Fuller meant when he said that environment is stronger than willpower.

My plan for tomorrow is to leave the house and work from a coffee shop or bookstore. To change up the energy of my environment.

It’s really a chicken-and-egg kind of situation. The anxiety I feel leads me to see all of the projects and piles at once, and seeing all of that leads to anxiety. When I’m more peaceful, I can work anywhere. So there’s nothing “wrong” with my environment, it’s just not working for me right now. Best to break the pattern quickly by changing my environment. I don’t have any appointments tomorrow, so I can leave for as long as I want.

Today’s report:

I did not meditate this morning, but I’m planning to when I go to bed. I got some clearing/organizing done in my frenzy today.

One of my housemates surprised me with pizza and beer tonight. All three of us got to hang out together and watch some of Fight Club. It was some good bonding time for us.

I also ruminated a bit on my mom’s death and felt very sad. Sometimes I just hate that she is dead, or more honestly, that she died the way she did. Makes me queasy to think about.

Today was a 3 out of 10.

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Day 30 (2011-01-10): Anxiety

Woke feeling A LOT of anxiety. This feeling of being “behind” in life seems to be growing from yesterday. Time to simplify.

I did my 6-step planning process, which always helps me get the anxiety-producing thoughts out of my head and into a tangible form that’s not so scary or stressful. I teach this stuff and still have to remind myself to use it. At least it’s just hours and not days or weeks.  🙂

But the key is to simplify—my focus, my intentions, my stuff. I made progress on my weekly planning today and will focus on 2011 planning tomorrow. I also cleared out some stuff and made plans for additional clearing.

Today’s report:

I meditated when I woke up, led one of my coaching groups in the morning, and spent much of the day with a tight knot in my stomach. That eased off later as I described above. I’m not going to meditate tonight before bed. I’m going to watch something funny and fall asleep.

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Day 29 (2011-01-09): Average

I was reading in Loneliness that our brains are triggered in the same way whether we perform some action or watch some action being performed. That’s why we wince when we see someone else bang their finger.

It reminds me of the saying, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”

So choosing who I spend time with is important. We can’t help but feel the emotions of those around us. I’ve known this about myself for a long time. I tend to adapt to the emotions of the person I’m with. I get all irritable when I’m with someone who’s angry. I get relaxed when I’m with someone who’s calm. It sounds obvious, but how often do I consciously ask the question, “Do I want to be around this person right now?”

If I’m spending time and energy building habits of peace and joy, why subvert all of that by taking on another person’s anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. simply by being around them? Not that there isn’t time to help others who are suffering painful emotions. But it’s important to me that I choose those times consciously.

Today’s report:

I meditated last night (even though I was tempted not to), but not this morning. I woke up and read more Loneliness instead. I spent a relatively joyful and peaceful day with some positive, life-affirming friends. But there was a pulse of anxiety I could feel all day. It’s more than a week into 2011 and I lost the goal-setting momentum I created on New Year’s Eve. I’m feeling “behind,” as if the year is already getting away from me. It’s all an invention of my mind, but when I don’t look at it, it creates anxiety under the surface. It didn’t “spoil” the day, but I was aware of it and got frustrated at times.

I would give the day a 6 out of 10. I’m going to meditate before I fall asleep.

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Day 28 (2011-01-08): (Little) People pleasing

I need to admit something I don’t want to admit: My nieces stress me out.

I love them dearly. And much of the time I spend with them is stressful. Like most kids, I imagine, they can be very demanding and bossy. When this happens, it seems I either have to go along with it (which is not fun), say no (which becomes a “fight”), some combination of the two (going along with some things, saying no to others), or be creative and energetic enough to “take control” (which means being “on” all the time).

For example, they often want to do performances with me, acting or dancing or singing. If I don’t want to, they will get upset and hurt, trying to talk me into it, etc. At which point me or one of their parents has to “yell” at them or they won’t stop. If I go along with it, it’s them bossing me around, telling me what to do, etc. It’s not a shared experience and no fun for me. When I try to participate equally, if what I do happens to go against their plans, we’re back to the upset and hurt and arguing and yelling. And they often are vying for control between themselves, so they’re fighting over me, looking for me to pick the winner.

I can avoid all of this by “hijacking” the play time and inventing some game that’s even more fun. But that can set a precedent so that they start demanding me to invent more and more creative games for them. Trying to continually top myself becomes stressful, too.

Now none of this is a big problem at all. It just nags at me because I find myself avoiding them more, dodging their requests to play, seeing them less, appreciating them less.

I think the answer is the same one I came up with at the beginning of this 100-day experiment. Stop trying to please them. Show them who I am instead of who I think they want to see, and then let them have their response to me, whatever it is. I think it’s a little scary for me because they are probably the two humans who are most enthusiastic about my existence. And I don’t want to lose that. I’m afraid if they see me for who I am, they won’t love me as much.

Today’s report:

I woke up without an alarm and spent an enjoyably lazy morning in bed. I read some more of Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick. So much insight in that book. I meditated after lunch then met up with a friend at the bookstore, and serendipitously ran into another friend there, too. Spent some time at my sister’s house this evening, and now back home ready to meditate and go to sleep.

I really want to just turn on a movie and fall asleep to that. On one shoulder some little dude is saying, “Meditate, you know it’s good for you and an investment in yourself.” On the other shoulder a little dude is saying, “Take a night off, you deserve it, it won’t do any harm.” Hm. I just noticed that “should” is in the word “shoulder.” Like those little dudes are little should-ers on my shoulders.

I give today a 5 out of 10.

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Day 27 (2011-01-07): Connection

Another example of the difference between life and thoughts about life:

I’m starting to acknowledge the difference between how I want to connect with someone and how I do connect with them. And in that difference is the feeling of separation or connection. The wider the difference, the more separate I feel.

To feel more connected I will…

1. Notice how I’m connecting with the person in my presence
2. Appreciate the connection for what it is
3. Pay attention to commonalities that I normally filter out

Regarding #3, I was joking with a friend tonight about how easy it would be to meet people if we all actually acknowledged how much we have in common: “Oh my god, you have two arms? I have two arms! You walk upright? I walk upright? How many toes do you have? 10? I have 10 toes too!”

Today’s report:

I woke up tired and reset my alarm. Not that I could fall back to sleep, though. My mind started racing. I didn’t do a meditation recording, but I did lay there for a short while watching my thoughts create anxiety in my body.

I worked on my book earlier in the day but found myself spinning my wheels in the afternoon. I had a lot of anxiety and therefore had a hard time picking something to focus on. Sometimes it feels like I’m “behind” on so many things in life. I know there’s no such thing as “behind” but it sure can feel real sometimes.

I went out with a friend tonight and had some beer. I’m not going to meditate tonight.

I give the day a 4 out of 10. I had fun tonight but it was alcohol-induced to flee the anxieties I was feeling.

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