Today was hell.
I didn’t write this morning. I meditated. That was somewhat peaceful, but as soon as I got up, the negative thoughts flooded in. I’ve been trying to focus my mind on appreciation, but every time I identify something to appreciate, something I can view as a gift, my mind has all kinds of evidence that it’s a burden, not a gift.
I felt hopeless all day because I can’t see a way out, I can’t envision a happy life. And worst of all, I feel like I’ve given up on pursuing some of the things I value most (like an intimate romantic relationship). I feel stuck, trapped in these thoughts of despair and frustration.
BUT…twice today my mind shut up when I spoke to some friends. In each conversation I felt normal, good even. This led to…
Insight #1: I’m happier when I’m interacting with other people than when I spend long periods of time by myself. I am “obligatorily gregarious” as the authors of Loneliness would say.
This evening I went to a Power of Now discussion group tonight to be with friends. The conversation turned to the idea that happiness is a choice. But how do I reconcile that with the “feeling stuck” experience I had all today? How can happiness be a choice when your perspective is so skewed that you can’t even see your way to it? And then it hit me…
Insight #2: This too shall pass.
Just because I can’t see the choice now doesn’t mean I won’t see it tomorrow or next week. I’ve had hellish days like today followed by happier days, sometimes some of the happiest days of my life.
When I don’t see possibility, just wait. Things will change. Even hell will pass.
Today’s report:
For most of the day it was a 1 out of 10, the bottom of the scale. Right now I’m feeling a 4, maybe 5.