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Archive for December, 2008

When I think back on my most recent romantic relationship, it’s easy for me to hyperbolize how great we were together. It’s easy for me to romanticize the circumstances of how we met and fell in love. And it’s easy for me to fantasize that we would have lived happily ever after.

All of that leads me to feel rejected and hurt. But it’s a hurt in a general way. And as such, it never heals. It’s an invented hurt that gets re-invented over and over again.

To heal, I realize that I must name exactly what it is about the ending of that relationship that hurts.

It is not that I found my soulmate and we are not to be together. It’s not that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now we won’t. No. It’s that I feel like I didn’t get the chance to find out.

She held back in our relationship, by her own admission. She shared her reasons with me and I accepted them and understood. And that worked incredibly well because of certain circumstances.

What I wanted for us was to get to a point where she could feel comfortable not holding back (which was a real possibility, not a pipe dream — I won’t get into specifics here). Then she and I would get to see what we really had together and if it worked. But she ended things before we got that chance.

And that’s what hurts. We never got to see what we had. I’m angry at her for giving up on us so soon.

There, I finally said it. Now I can heal it.

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I have so much in my life: A warm bed, food in my refrigerator, friends and family who love and respect me, clients who value me, a healthy body, a creative mind, a kind heart.

Why do I choose to focus on what I don’t have (a romantic relationship) and let that poison my experience of life?

Yesterday my mind was really mean to me. I’m not kidding. Really mean. It kept pointing out to me what I don’t have and then telling me why I wasn’t good enough to ever have it.

What is that about? What role in the evolution of our species does low self-esteem serve?

Maybe its role is adversity. It’s something to transcend to take us to the next level of consciousness. This idea is not new, but it’s becoming more and more compelling to me.

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Earlier today I was working through my Financial Alchemy workbook (by Morgana Rae), and I started reflecting on the small ways I steal — copying a CD, downloading music or movies, copying software, etc. Granted, I don’t do this often (not nearly as much as I used to like 5+ years ago), but I still do it on occasion.

What message is this sending to my Money?

It’s saying to my Money, “You’re not enough for me and I’m going to go outside of our relationship to get what I want.” Sounds like cheating, doesn’t it?

Now in a real romantic relationship, the idea of me cheating on a woman is repulsive to me. It goes against so many of my core values like honesty, communication, respect, integrity, compassion, and more.

So why would I do this to Money? The answer is, I won’t anymore.

I’m done with all of that “acceptable” stealing. Copying music, payments “off the books,” even the cup of coffee or tea that my friends get me for free on the sly at Starbucks.

But what about gifts? Gifts are great, and I’m becoming a much better receiver of gifts. But gifts that are given openly and not under the table.

From now on I will be someone Money can trust!

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Today is Christmas and I was given quite a gift…

I reached a level of self-esteem today (especially tonight) that was my lowest in almost two years. I think this focus on relationships, with people and more recently with money as a lover, have uncovered an opportunity for some more self-esteem work.

So I dug out my old Jack Canfield tapes on creating high self-esteem, and I recorded them to my computer to create mp3s that I can listen to in my car. They’re awesome, but I haven’t listened to them in years because they’re on cassette.

No matter who else or what else I have in my life, it’s important to me to have a healthy relationship with myself. To fill my experience as much as I can with feelings of love and compassion for myself. My focus has shifted somewhat outside of me for those things without me noticing.

Today was a re-centering of sorts. What a gift!

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Another big insight I had around money came up when I was listening to another coach’s teleclass. She got to the end where she started talking about what she was selling and I reflected on my own experience with that part of my teleclasses. Although I’ve grown a lot in my confidence as a salesperson in my business, I realized that there’s still a lot of shame there.

My teleclasses (even the free ones) are jam-packed with valuable information. And I feel totally comfortable during that part. But when I reach the end and it’s time to sell, there’s an apologetic feeling that comes up in me. It seems that on some level, I’m still ashamed to exchange my value for money.

Like I said, I’ve grown in this area, so it’s probably not obvious to most people. But there definitely is a subtle energetic shift in me.

So I started to think about this in the context of my personification of money as a lover. How would my girlfriend feel, for example, if I became even just a little embarrassed whenever the conversation shifted to talking about her? That’s not a healthy relationship, with a woman or with money!

So I’ve decided to revise all of my teleclasses so that I am proud of the selling. I’ll introduce it at the very beginning, and I’ll keep it front and center. I’ll keep all of the informational value that was there, but it will be conveyed in the context of what it is I’m selling.

In essence, my energy will be a kind of bragging about how much I love my Money Honey and how great I think she is. I’m excited to try this out.

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I’ve become aware that I lost focus on two key intentions which I believe were directly responsible for the amazing romantic relationship I experienced in the spring. They were:

  1. The intention to experience women as amazing.
  2. The intention to cultivate authentic relationships with anyone I know and meet.

The first intention was about transcending the negative stories I have about women and my relationship to them. It was about embracing the mystery and wonder of women, about valuing how women are different from men, and about learning what they can teach me. And the focus wasn’t on romantic relationships, but all my relationships with women.

And it was incredible. First, I became aware of all of the amazing women already in my life. Then I became aware of new amazing women coming into my life, including the woman I fell in love with in the spring.

The second intention was really about letting go of any agenda I might have in a relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, business, or whatever. Being myself and letting the other person be themselves, and allowing the relationship to grow or die at its own pace.

This was incredible, too. It removed the pressure I typically put on myself to know where things are going or to try to force them to go somewhere specific. It allowed me to be more present in my relationships, and to enjoy them more.

Since the “break-up” I’ve forgotten to focus on these two intentions. It’s not that I’ve stopped doing them, but I have not been intentional in my focus, so it tends to drift willy nilly.

For the remainder of these 100 Days, I will report on my practice with these intentions and what I observe.

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Today I asked Money what I could do to create a better relationship with her. She said that we never have any fun together and she wants me to enjoy her.

Wow, I thought. Of course. No wonder she stays away from me. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t enjoy them?

So I asked her what she wanted me to do. And she said that I needed to spend money on myself and enjoy it.

This scares me a little because, except for spending money on others, I don’t know what enjoying money looks like.

So here is the question I’m using to help me: What’s something that would be just for me that I wouldn’t normally let myself spend money on?

The first answer to come to me:

Traveling somewhere by myself. Not visiting friends or family, but traveling just because I want to. This is scary (not the traveling but the spending), so it’s probably right. 🙂

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