Anticipation of a New 100 Days

Tomorrow I intend to begin a new 100-day focus. I don’t know what I will call it just yet. Words that come to mind are self-love, integrity, conscious choice.

I do know the focus will be on the living of it, not on the blogging of it. I will blog about the experience from time to time, I’m sure. But I am not putting a requirement on myself to do so. This will be different than previous 100-day experiments. Which is totally in line with the idea of experimentation, right?

I do know that I’ve gotten lots of value from returning to this blog to review previous entries. Plus I’m very much embracing the life of a writer. We will see what unfolds.

I feel the electricity of anticipation…

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Day 77: An anniversary and anxiety

Duration of today’s sit: 10 minutes

Today is the 4th anniversary of this blog. I’ve been doing various 100 Days of Peace for 4 years, off and on. Blows my mind. 🙂

My sit tonight was good, mainly in that I did it. My mind raced anxiously about a couple of issues, but it felt good to sit and be present with it rather than entirely consumed by it.

I have a lot of fear in my mental storytelling. Mostly fear of it being “too late” for [fill in the blank].

There are 24 days left in these 100 days. I have the idea to do 24 consecutive daily 1-hour sits. That would be the equivalent of a full 24-hour day of sitting. I will make that choice in the morning.

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Day 95 (2009-10-29): A return to discipline

Life is so funny.

The other day I recalled that I’d shifted away from my 100 Days of Peace practice a few months ago, and I was curious if I was still within those 100 days. In addition, I didn’t even remember the particular focus I’d chosen.

So this morning I visited this blog and just had to laugh. You’ll understand as I explain what I’ve been doing for the past two months.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’d shifted my focus to love. In that time, I attended a workshop at the magical Esalen retreat center called “Opening to Oneness through Love.” I won’t even try to describe the experience; suffice to say it was amazing. (Go to Esalen now. Yes, now.)

To stay in touch with many of the people I met there, I rejoined Facebook. So Facebook suddenly became a place for me to share my insights about my personal growth, much like this blog used to be. One of the insights I had was that a loving gift I could give to myself each morning was to create an uplifting and energizing Power Hour. I did, and I began reporting on Facebook each morning as I completed it.

Today was the 25th consecutive morning I completed my Power Hour.

So when I returned to this blog and discovered my 100 Days of Peace had been focused on Humble Discipline, I cracked up. How funny that love led me right back to my original intention — to report every day on my progress with my daily disciplines. The only thing different was the form it took.

The other funny thing is that my current Power Hour has been more ambitious AND easier to stick to than the one I’d previously created here. Instead of starting at 7 AM, I start between 6 and 6:30. Here are the details:

• Opening to Oneness through Love meditative exercises
• Bouncing and lymphatic breathing
• Egoscue physical exercises (from The Egoscue Method of Health through Motion)
• Pushups
• Skin brushing and affirmations
• Running

It feels incredible, and I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for 25 consecutive days. One of the advantages of Facebook over this blog is that I get frequent encouragement. This blog is not really designed for that. And I didn’t anticipate how powerful that encouragement is. If any readers want to follow my progress on Facebook, you can use this link:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1100382886

I’m not sure how this blog will fit into my practices, if at all. I’d hoped to create a community of 100 Days of Peace practitioners, and that didn’t manifest. It’s okay. Life has a flow to it, and it’s not always what we think it will be.  🙂

To those of you who have supported me through this blog, many thanks. I hope you can join me on Facebook. You rock!

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Day 46 (2009-09-10): A shift in focus

As is obvious from my absence from this blog, my focus has shifted away from disciplines.

I’ve been exploring a fear of premature death that I believe is a manifestation of unresolved feelings about my friend Scott who died last year. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to live a dead life of fear. I want to feel alive.

I’ve also been exploring some resistance I have to being loved. I am comfortable being the one who loves, and I gravitate to situations where I can do that without the risk of being loved back. But being Love (which is a practice I try to embrace as often as possible) includes both being loving and being loved, the cycle of giving and receiving.

I still hold open the space of this 100 Days of Peaceful Discipline. And I may post again when/if my focus shifts back.

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Day 21 (2009-08-16): Off track, on track

I over-scheduled myself this past week. As a result, my disciplines took a bit of a hit.

It’s been a full week since I last posted. My morning skin-brushing and affirmations vanished for most of that week. I’ve been sensitive to when I get to bed, and though it’s often after 10 PM, I do meditate once I’m there.

Regarding last Monday’s cleanse, I was almost 100% successful. My dinner was a veggie burger at a restaurant–the bun and cheese (and some fries) were not cleanse-friendly. But it definitely helped to have the food in the house for the earlier part of the day.

I’m going to do some food prep today for tomorrow’s cleanse today.

I’ve also been having trouble sleeping because I have so much on my mind. That makes it more challenging to get up and get started in the morning. Over time, the meditation will likely help with that.

So although I got a little off track this week, I’m learning about what supports my disciplines and what doesn’t, which is all part of this 100 Days experience!

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Day 14 (2009-08-09): Ready for the Monday cleanse!

Late nights this weekend, but lots of fun. I was more relaxed with my disciplines as a result.

I’m fully stocked and ready for my Monday cleanse tomorrow. It’s 10:30 now, and I’m going to bed to meditate as soon as I finish this post.

Listening to Ajahn Brahm tonight, I was reminded of his practice of acknowledging what he loves and values in himself as he meditates. That will be my focus tonight.

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Day 11 (2009-08-06): I can't get no satisfaction

Last night I was searching
Searching for something
Searching for action
Some satisfaction

If there had been alcohol or junk food in the house…well, let me tell you I’m happy there wasn’t. I settled for an egg sandwich and a horror movie. Needless to say I did not get to bed at 10 PM. Which of course delayed things this morning.

The good news is that I completed my disciplines, if not at the time I intended. And I learned that I have a mindset of wanting to end the day with a treat of some kind. Something satisfying.

Satisfaction is definitely the right word. It comes from Latin meaning “to make/do enough,” and that’s exactly the feeling I have. I don’t want to end the day (i.e. go to bed) until I feel like I’ve done enough, until I feel like I’ve enjoyed something special. “Yes, it was a good day. And now I can go to bed.”

But really, what can one do at the end of the day? Is a cookie (or twenty) going to fill whatever emotional hole is craving satisfaction? No, that’s why there’s all that searching.

I’m now conscious of it and will acknowledge it for what it is when it shows up again… Tonight?

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Day 10 (2009-08-05): Evenings are a challenge; Power Hour

Evenings are challenging me. 🙂

Last night I stayed up later than 10, consciously pushing it off. “Another 15 minutes, another 15 minutes.”

There was something I was seeking, some sense of finality. Some sense of “Okay, that’s a great way to cap off the day.” I would like my meditation to be that, but often it’s not. The meditation can be frustrating when my mind is racing. Maybe I could change it to make it more appealing. Add a sense of sacredness, like soothing music, or a candle, or some incense.

New Discipline: 7 AM Power Hour

I started a new discipline today that I’m calling my 7 AM Power Hour (thanks to Anthony Robbins). It will include skin-brushing, affirmations, and physical exercises. Maybe even a short walk. I did 30 minutes this morning because I had a telephone coaching client at 7:45. Wednesdays will typically be a shorter version.

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Day 8 (2009-08-03): First week recap

Here’s a quick recap of my experience with humble discipline in the first week:

10 PM Meditation

This has been largely a success. On days when I do not have late evening plans (most mid-week days), I’m quite conscious of the 10 PM structure. Even if I don’t actually get to bed until 10:30, the 10 PM structure is supporting me by increasing my awareness of the choices I’m making in the evening and how they affect my bedtime.

Monday Health Cleanse

Today I was unprepared like last week. I’m aware that for this to work consistently, I need to make it easier by having cleanse-friendly foods in the house. And having a meal plan could help, too. Here’s my first draft:

• Green drink
• Fruit for breakfast
• Fresh vegetable juice, quinoa, and steamed spinach for lunch
• Big raw salad and steamed broccoli for dinner
• Snack: sliced cucumbers

Skin-brushing and Affirmations

Most days I do this in the morning, but rarely upon waking as is my intention. This is an opportunity for more attention.

Daily Blog Reporting

This is the lowest of priorities on this list of disciplines, and as such, it’s the least consistent. Not having a routine for when exactly I intend to post (morning, mid-day, evening) makes it more challenging. This week I will play with an evening routine; maybe link it to the 10 PM meditation.

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Day 4 (2009-07-30): Humility NOW!

If you’ve seen the “Serenity Now!” episode of Seinfeld, you can infer the inflection in my voice as I conjure George Costanza and declare, “Humility Now!”

The success is that I have not lost sight of any of the disciplines I’m announced on Day 1.

The challenge is the timing. My old habits are pushing against the new ones. Old habits fighting for their lives. Instead of fighting back, I’m observing, thanking the old habits for their input, and fitting the new ones in as best I can.

Case in point: I haven’t skin brushed yet today and it’s already mid-afternoon. My habit of jumping into my projects and putting off routines is strong today. “Okay, thanks for sharing.”

I’m signing off now to do my skin brushing…

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Day 2 (2009-07-28): Day 1 Report

The Monday health cleanse was challenging, due in large part to the spontaneity of my commitment. I was not prepared with the right foods, so although my dinner was very healthy, it was not technically “cleanse-approved.” 🙂

I’m enjoying the 10 PM meditation. It gets me to bed much earlier than I’d gotten used to. It’s also a relaxing way to end the day.

I did the skin brushing and affirmations, and I ran.

Regarding my feelings around these disciplines, I feel committed without any strong emotions either way.

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Day 1 (2009-07-27): Humble Discipline

To begin these 100 Days of Peaceful Discipline, I start with an excerpt from my upcoming book, Peaceful Productivity:

To use your systems and structures most effectively, you must be motivated by a sense of humble discipline. You must take your ego out of the equation. You don’t follow your systems because doing so makes you better or not doing so makes you worse. You don’t follow your systems because doing so is right and not doing so is wrong. You simply follow them because you’ve chosen to.

The discipline to follow your systems comes from a deep faith in the power of choice, a deep sense of personal responsibility. In that faith and responsibility is humility. By contrast, imagine a choice made from arrogance. How powerful of a choice is that? When you do something out of a feeling of superiority, you are giving away some of your power to whoever or whatever you’re feeling superior to because you’re reacting to it. In fact, arrogance is both reactive and non-present. Arrogance is a story in your head about why and how you will prove yourself better than other people by making some choice. But when you’re controlled by such stories, you can’t make powerful choices.

When you choose to commit to a discipline humbly and not arrogantly, you are choosing to have an experience. For example, in writing this book, I chose to commit to an intense writing schedule for three months. Not because it would make me better than anyone else, and not because other strategies for writing are worse or wrong, but because I wanted to have the experience of immersing myself in the writing. I wanted to find out what it felt like and what I could create at the end of that experience. And the only way to know that was to do it.

When you make the discipline about having an experience, it’s no longer personal. The choice is clear: To have the experience you must stick to the commitment. You’re not bad if you don’t. You simply won’t have the desired experience. And because you define the experience for a specific limited period of time, you also side-step the all-or-nothing pitfall.

Bring this mindset of humble discipline to your systems and structures. When you design them, do so with the understanding that they will give you an experience. Only after you’ve had the experience can you say if it served you or not. Assuming you can know what will work and what won’t before you try it is arrogant, as is assuming you know how a month-long discipline will feel after only having done it for a day or two. Be humble in your disciplines, structures, and systems. Take your choices seriously without making yourself right or wrong for those choices, and you’ll feel more empowered and committed in those choices.

Some of the disciplines I am choosing for the next 100 days are:

• 10 PM meditation before bed
• Monday health cleanse (fruits and vegetables only)
• Skin brushing and affirmations in the morning
• Daily reporting on this blog

If anyone wants to join me in adding a humble discipline to your life for the next 100 days (or some shorter time frame), please comment on this post.

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Safe to be a Fool

I want to take a few moments to toot my own horn a bit.

Yesterday at a festive Memorial Day gathering of good friends, I stepped up in front of the crowd, ready to make a fool of myself.

What did I do? I performed the song I wrote last year. I stood there with my guitar and a microphone, with nothing to hide behind, played the song…and the world didn’t end.

Now what’s the big deal with playing a song? Thousands of people do that every day. For me, though, it was the first time ever. I’ve played guitar in bands for years; most recently, I’ve been backing up my friend and singer, Jim Stevens. But that’s the point. I’m comfortable (relatively so) in the background. The thought of performing solo — especially since I’m not a singer — was terrifying.

And right up until the point where I started playing the song, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it. The only reason I think it happened is because I made no official announcement that I was beginning. There was no big “oh my God I’m about to do this” moment. I just started playing while people were talking, and before I knew it, the show had begun.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t nervous. Even when I messed up the guitar part in the second verse. I smiled at Jim (who smiled back), got my bearings in the song, and continued. My friend, Kelly, stepped up behind me to do some vocal harmonies. It all unfolded naturally, comfortably.

Even though there was no big moment of decision, I did have a little conversation with myself about 10 minutes before I started. On the verge of deciding not to perform, I imagined myself in bed later that night, and I knew that I’d regret it if I didn’t give it a shot. And then a voice spoke to me. “Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself. That’s the most important lesson you’ll learn in your life, Curtis.”

My singing was timid and off-key more than it was confident and on-key, but so what? I did something I’ve always wanted to do. I took something that was outside of my circle of life experience and brought it within. And I discovered it was safe for me to be a fool.

Each one of us has things we’re comfortable with and things we’re not. Too often the line between the two can feel like a wall, impossible to climb. But the wall is imaginary, and all it takes to cross that line is a single step forward.

———-

Hear the original recording I produced last year:

Where I Want to Be by Curtis G. Schmitt

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Day 0 (2009-02-15): Dead or alive

This past weekend I had a strong feeling expressed as this thought: I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I wasn’t sure what it meant at first and worried that it might be a sign of a dangerous depression or something. But I think what it means is this:

I don’t want to live the life I’ve been living.

It makes me think of reincarnation. Now I think reincarnation is a silly idea in any literal sense, but I love it as a metaphor. We die and are reborn in each moment. What do we learn from moment to moment, and do we repeat our mistakes or do we grow from our “past lives”?

I’ve learned that I’ve tended to see life as being outside of me, either out in the world or out in the future. I need to bring it in closer.

Case in point: Clients and friends tell me often how I’ve changed their life for the better. That used to be very meaningful to me. I felt good about making a positive contribution in the world. I even used contribution as a big part of my business vision and life mission.

Recently, though, my thought upon receiving someone’s gratitude for the difference I’ve made in their life is, “So what?” What good does that do me? It doesn’t put money in my pocket, it doesn’t get me a girlfriend, etc., etc. This may sound mercenary, selfish, and shallow, but I think there’s a breakthrough in there if we look closer.

Let’s say I water a flower and it blooms. I can take credit for my contribution and say, “Look at what I did,” and feel good about it and build up my ego from it. Or I can say, “So what? What good does that blooming flower do for me?” In the context of a flower (instead of a friend or client) both of those options seem silly. And, more importantly, it opens me to a third possibility:

I can simply enjoy the experience of witnessing a flower bloom.

The experience is what’s important because that’s what life is, an experience. When I say “bring life in closer” what I mean is focus more on my experience right now, in every now.

In this context, contributing is not what I give to someone; contributing is an experience I have.

When I said I don’t want to live, I was saying I want to stop pretending at living, I want to stop going through the motions of living without actually experiencing life. And when I said I don’t want to die, I was saying that I don’t want to continue the slow death that’s been my life.

I want to experience more life in my life.

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Day 0 (2009-02-13): Slow death

Life has felt very weird recently. I alternate between two extremes: On the one side I’m totally fed up with the so-called safety of mediocrity and ready to jump off the cliff into greatness, and on the other side I regress back into old insecurities and fears that I haven’t felt in years.

I’m hyper aware of the slow death that is the life I’ve been living. It feels as if I’m just running out the clock, and I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to take more risks. But it’s almost like I can’t find the cliff to jump off of.

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Day 0 (2009-02-09): Insurmountable issues

I’ve given this question of trust some space for over a week without any new insights other than this:

I don’t think the snake in the visualization was about trust. I think it represents an unconscious fear that if I do meet a wonderful woman there will be some “insurmountable issue” that makes it impossible for us to be together.

My past two relationships have ended because of just such an issue. Perhaps this is a common reason for relationships to end (or else they wouldn’t have ended), but clearly I have some approach avoidance because of it. It’s preventing me from even seeing the possibility of a romantic relationship, let alone pursuing one.

It feels good to at least know that obstacle is there.

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Day 0 (2009-01-29): Trust and safety

For my meditation this morning, I used a CD on attracting love that I borrowed from a friend. During the guided section, I was instructed to open a door and let in the woman I loved and who loves me. I was guided through three different situations in which she and I would experience loving each other and enjoying each other.

I was instructed to make one of those situations be about deep trust between us. For some reason, I started to imagine that this woman owned a snake. Now, ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a very intense phobia about snakes. So I started to feel all of that fear and anxiety in connection to this woman.

Pretty interesting, right?

I’ve known for some time that safety and trust are incredibly important to me. And when I have that in a relationship (romantic or platonic), I recognize it and appreciate it. But I had NO idea there was this intense kind of fear associated with it. No idea, none. In fact, it’s so surprising to me that part of me wants to discount this experience as random or perhaps having a different meaning.

But in a strange way, it makes sense. My most recent romantic relationship was with a woman who not only was planning to move 1000 miles away, but she had defined her priorities in such a way that made it impossible for us to have a long-term relationship. If I do have this deep fear around trust and safety, it makes sense I’d choose to be with someone who was unavailable, and therefore not a risk.

This insight is brand spanking new to me, so I’m still in the awareness and inquiry stage. As I understand it more, I’m sure I’ll talk about it in my posts.

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Day 0 (2009-01-27): The perfect life

Last night as I was driving to my weekly Power of Now discussion group, I was feeling anxious about money. So I spoke to her:

“Money, I do trust you, and I know that you care about me. But it’s challenging to remember that and not get caught up in the uncertainty. What can I do?”

Show me how much you can create with the resources you have, and then I will give you more, she replied.

And it hit me. I have a life that many people dream of. I run my own business, I set my own schedule. And the big insight was this: I’m single without children, and this is an advantage. Typically, I see that as a negative. But given that reality, there is much I can do with it.

For example, two of my main focuses at this stage of my life are writing my book and practicing inner peace. There are few people whose lives are better suited to these things than me. Yet if you listen to me, I talk about how I don’t have time for them. If I don’t have time for them, who the hell does?

My life is perfect in that context. And that’s all reality is…context, perspective. It’s time for me to appreciate how perfect my life is, embrace the resources I have, and create.

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Day 0 (2009-01-23): Appreciating the light

This week I had two people drop out of my Peaceful Productivity Group coaching program. This was a bit discouraging because the group was already smaller than I’d envisioned. But I had an experience that cast some light on this issue and helped me turn my energy around.

My apartment is at the end of a long hallway. I noticed how one of the lights in the hallway was out. It created this noticeably dark area. “What a shame,” I thought. “One of the lights is out. They should fix that.”

And for some reason my focus went to the lights that were still lit, probably a dozen of them, which surprised me. Why hadn’t I noticed there were so many lights in the hallway? Every day, they are all there, functioning properly, yet invisible to me. Only when one goes out do I notice them.

Then I noticed that there are no windows in the hallway. So without those lights, the hallway would be completely pitch black. It would be pretty tricky for me to find my way to my apartment. Even just one or two lights would be all I would need.

So I found myself for the first time appreciating all of the lights in the hallway.

And I chose to apply this perspective to my group. Appreciate who is there. Serve the people in front of me, and don’t worry about the others. Appreciate the light in my life.

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Day 0 (2009-01-22): Strong connections

Earlier today, I had a momentary thought to check to see if there was a Thursday night yoga class at the studio I used to go to here in town. The thought was quickly forgotten.

Later around 6 PM or so, I decided I wanted to go out somewhere and do something that would make me feel really alive. I took a shower, and in the shower I remembered the yoga idea. I quickly jumped online to see if there was a class and there was, perfectly timed.

I hadn’t been to this yoga studio in about a year. When the teacher of the class I took stopped teaching there, I stopped going. Asha was her name, and she and I stayed friends and saw each other every once in a while. This whole week, I found myself thinking about her and wanting to see her again. That may have been what put the yoga idea into my mind, I don’t know.

So I get to the studio, and there are two other students there plus the instructor, a woman I’ve never met before. The instructor is still dressed in her winter coat and talking to one of the students. I’m not really listening, but I hear, “Blah blah blah Asha blah blah.” Asha?

I ask what they’re talking about and it turns out that the class instructor can’t teach tonight, so she called Asha to substitute for her! How weird! This is my first time back to the studio in a year, and Asha (who doesn’t normally teach there anymore) is going to be teaching the class!

After the class, Asha and I spoke and it turns out that she was as excited to see me in class as I was to see her. She wasn’t looking forward to teaching and was doing it to help out her friend, but when she walked in she said I was like a beacon of light.

As surprised as I was by the coincidence, I wasn’t really surprised. There are connections between people, some stronger than others. And I’ve felt a pretty strong one between Asha and I for a while now.

Using “feeling alive” as my compass seems to be aligned with these connections. It will be fun to see what else happens in the days and weeks to come.

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Day 0 (2009-01-19): Feeling alive

Last night I was reading the book Callings by Gregg Levoy and came upon this quote by Joseph Campbell:

People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive…of the rapture of being alive.

This is HUGE for me. I started to notice this past year how challenging it is for me to define my purpose or meaning for being here. Sure, I can write mission statements that sound great and feel pretty good, but it always feels…not quite right.

That’s because the idea of purpose or meaning is just that, an idea. It’s intellectual and lives in the head. What was missing for me was the feeling.

Coming at this from the perspective of “being alive” really opens it up for me. It’s a much clearer compass by which I can steer. It takes the question out of the head and into the body.

For example, I played with my youngest niece in the snow tonight. Coming from the perspective of purpose or meaning, it’s challenging for me to figure out how that fits in. I can do it by connecting the dots that connecting with family is a microcosm for the larger world family we belong to, and also for the greater connection of the Oneness of everything. Neat little intellectual concept that gets me there. But when I come at it from the perspective of being alive or feeling alive, it’s obvious. Of course, I’ll play with my niece in the snow. Playing makes me feel alive. It’s no more complicated than that.

I feel like I now have a much more direct doorway to peace, connection, joy, and spirit.

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Reflections on these past 100 Days of Peace in Relationships

This morning I encountered this quote by Ross Jeffries: “What you believe is possible for yourself, what you believe you deserve at the deepest levels determines which future you’re going to experience. And then that future reaches back through time and shapes you and molds you into being the kind of person who’s ready for it the day you meet it.”

Just this past Tuesday I was talking to a friend about a similar message expressed by Richard Bach in his book, One. In that book, the characters met future and past selves, people who they were becoming and who were becoming them.

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a time when I’d stand in front of the mirror and imagine talking to my future self. He did reach back through time, encouraging me to be who he knew I was, until the day we met and became one.

I think we tend to look outside of ourselves for proof of who we are — income, love, respect, possessions. At least that’s my tendency. But there’s two problems with that. First, there are many forces that influence those things besides who we are, so they are not reliable indicators. Second, our thirst for more of those things can blind us to the abundance we do have.

I opened myself last year to the possibility of being the husband to an amazing woman and the father to an amazing daughter. And because those relationships did not unfold in the way I envisioned, I took it as proof that there’s something wrong with me.

Worse, I’ve started to create negative fantasies about how I’m not good enough to care for my nieces (i.e. I don’t earn enough, don’t have a house, don’t have health insurance) if something ever happened to their parents. (There’s a story why my mind went there, but I’m not going to get into it.)

Deep inside, I know I’m whole and complete and perfect. Yet I carry beliefs, thoughts, feelings, fantasies, memories, stories, and perspectives that tell me I’m not.

What baggage must I let go of to allow that beautiful person I am to shine more brightly?

These 100 Days of Peace in Relationships have led me to that question, and to the understanding that all of my relationships with others are mirrors of my relationship with myself. That voice in my head that can say kind words to me, cruel words to me, or simply be quiet and let me be.

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Day 100 (2009-01-09): Acknowledgment

This is the final day in my 100 Days of Peace in Relationships. It was a wonderfully revealing exploration for me that looked nothing like I thought it would when I began it! I’ll reflect on it in more detail tomorrow.

Today I want to write about a dream I had last night. I was trying to take photographs of family members at some kind of a family gathering, and I was not having much success. Children would not smile or look at the camera, people would move in and out of frame. It was frustrating because I felt powerless to accomplish my goal.

When I woke up, I recognized it immediately as one of my “impotence dreams.” These are a repeating kind of dream in which I have some goal (typically something mundane like finding a room in a building, or in this case taking photographs), but I am unable to achieve that goal no matter how hard I try.

I haven’t had one of these dreams (or I haven’t remembered one) in at least several months, maybe longer.

I’m pretty sure it’s related to a conversation I had yesterday in which I now see I was looking for some acknowledgment and instead I felt unacknowledged. It reminds me of when I would come home with a 98 out of 100 on a test and my father would ask me what happened to the other two points.

So I’ve come to see how important it is for me to acknowledge myself, and to ask for acknowledgment from others, for my progress and growth. I’ve also become aware of how sensitive I am to advice (no matter how well intended) when I don’t feel acknowledged. I take the advice as an implicit accusation that I’m not good enough.

There’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to help me figure out how I can do better. I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in my life who care enough about me to want to push me to grow. And there’s an important context for that: I recognize that because I can lose sight of the acknowledgment part so easily, it helps to have other people to remind me before they give me advice.

Which is probably a great segue to my reflections on these 100 Days. Like I said, they unfolded much differently than I intended, and I want to acknowledge myself (and ask for acknowledgment from YOU) for everything I learned and all the ways I’ve grown, instead of focusing on what I didn’t or how I haven’t.

In short, I ROCK!!!!!!! More tomorrow…

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Day 97 (2009-01-13): Dream of fulfillment

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party (or maybe I was throwing the party), and all of my friends were arriving. As they arrived I would get very excited to see them and I’d run up to them and hug them. What I find meaningful about the dream:

1. In the dream, I felt incredible joy and wonder at life’s magnificent abundance (as represented by all of the amazing people who are my friends).
2. The dream felt like it took place in the present, so the conditions in my life (my level of income, my romantic relationship status, my achievements and goals) were the same as they are now…and I felt whole and complete, and not lacking or wanting in any way.
3. The only friends who came to the party were the ones that live locally to me now and who I see on a regular basis, again suggesting that I am fulfilled by my life and not feeling like anything is missing.

Each night before I fall asleep, I say a prayer intention that includes these words: “I engage this creative mind to use the dream state to help me experience these things [grace, gratitude, wonder, joy] tonight so that I can create them even more readily in waking life.”

This dream was a wonderful gift from the universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Day 96 (2009-01-12): 3 Stages of Healing after a Romantic Relationship

Tonight at PONG (my weekly Power of Now Group), I got further clarity on the 3 stages that I typically move through in my healing after a romantic relationship.

Stage 1 is when the memories are still fresh and there are lots of associations. For example, if you know someone who always wears a unique outfit, and then you see that outfit somewhere else, you’ll naturally associate it with the person you know.

In a romantic relationship, there are certain structures to it that are unique (for me anyway): the tonality I use when I speak, the position I give that person in my life, the physical aspect of the relationship, the kinds of activities we do together, etc. And when I think about these things, I naturally associate them with her. So in this first stage, I can’t see women for who they really are, but only in comparison to the woman I was dating. This is the stage I’m in now.

Soon, the memories fade enough that I reach stage 2. This is where I don’t have such strong associations, but I still can’t quite envision another woman in my life in that way. I can see women for who they are, but I can’t yet see myself in a relationship with any of them.

It can also look like this: I know what I don’t want, but I don’t know what I want. And in fact, getting clear on what I don’t want can be a doorway from stage 1 to stage 2.

Stage 3 is where I open up to possibility. I can imagine myself in a new romantic relationship, and I don’t need to know exactly what it will look like. I know what I want and am open to a romantic relationship with any woman who fits me in those ways. I see women for who they are, and I appreciate them fully and honor my platonic relationships with them (and men, for that matter) for who they are. I am ready for a romantic relationship, but I don’t need one because I’m enriched by all of the relationships in my life.

And stage 3 is when I’m most attractive (in both the physical and metaphysical ways).

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