Day 5: Ready for more

Duration of today’s sit: 20 minutes

Late start this morning. I checked email when I first woke up and spent almost an hour piddling around before settling in for my sit. And when I did shift my focus to meditation, I felt some resistance, some pull of that anxious get-things-done energy. Good to have this experience because now I’m clear that I prefer sitting first thing.

Some changes:

• Due to a generous friend who read my post yesterday, I now have an actual meditation seat! She had a spare cushion and pillow, which she gave to me. And it made a difference. I was much more comfortable, and I am ready to sit longer tomorrow. What a gift!
• I made a smoothie for myself before my sit, so hunger was not an issue. And it was a light enough meal not to make me feel heavy or drowsy.

My staying was less continuous than previous days this week, with lots of thoughts and ideas grabbing my attention. Some became elaborated into mini-daydreams lasting maybe 20 seconds or so. But what’s interesting is that they all had a positive charge to them. No worrying. Lots of creative ideas and planning thoughts. Once I actually got to my seat, the mental “to do” list was a “get to do” list, not a “have to do” list.

I think the racing mind activity is related to the timing of my sit. It’s like the Internet stuff I did beforehand gave it lots of food to chew on. Ultimately that’s good for my concentration practice, and that’s the perspective I took. I didn’t get down on my sit just because my mind was racing.

And that’s something else I noticed today. I was looking forward to observing my mind. Kind of like a “I wonder what my mind is going to do today” attitude. And when my timer chimed at 20 minutes, I wasn’t anticipating the end. I was ready for more.

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Day 11 (2008-03-16): Simplicity

Today was much more peaceful than yesterday. The main difference was simplicity. I chose to focus on two main things today:

1. Working on my taxes
2. Visiting my sister and my nieces

Other things got done as they needed to, but there was an ease to them. There were just as many things going on around me, just as many sense perceptions, just as many tasks on my to do list, just as many goals, and just as much stuff in my life as there was yesterday. But I experienced it differently.

It made me think that the difference between chaos and order may be simply a choice. Could the difference between uncertainty creating anxiety or peace also be a choice?

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Day 10 (2008-03-15): Choose or react

Strange day today…

I didn’t have any appointments today, personal or professional. All day I kept trying to think of what to do with the day (notice the word do). It seemed like an opportunity to work on some big project or do something special.

As I considered my options, I’d keep thinking that there must be something better than anything I thought of. There was this internal pressure to make the most out of the day. To choose the absolute best way to spend the day. “I better not waste a day like today!”

And here’s what I ended up doing: Watched a lot of TV shows online. Went for a short run. Meditated. Ate my meals. Completed a couple of items on my to do list.

Sounds like a pretty relaxing day, right? And it would have been if I wasn’t dwelling on all of the things I “should” be doing instead. It would have been if I’d chosen it. It would have been if I’d allowed myself to be it completely.

Even now as I post this so late in the day, there is self-criticism and a knot in the pit of my stomach.

I’m seeing how much conscious choice (or the lack of it) plays into my relationship with uncertainty. Choice is an empowering act. The alternative is to not choose, but to react. That’s when my anxiety increase, when I’m mostly reacting.

I think there’s more here that I don’t yet understand about myself and choice and reacting. I’ll quiet my mind and see what else shows up…

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