Day 79 (2011-02-28): The door

Wanting things I don’t have is keeping me from being happy with the things I do have. But I won’t pursue the things I want because I know that they won’t make me happy. So I’m not giving up the wanting but I’m not doing anything about it either.

I’m tolerating: I’m not accepting things as they are, nor am I taking action to change them.

Presence, presence, presence. Where is the door that leads me to thee?

And that’s the issue, isn’t it? I know where the door is but I don’t believe it’s really the door.

It’s 10 PM and I’m in bed (hurray!) writing this on my laptop. But I don’t want to meditate when I’m done. I want to watch a show on Hulu or something. Why? Because I can zone out when I watch a show and I’m not left alone with my thoughts. Those fucking thoughts. When I meditate, it seems like those thoughts get even louder, even crueler. Sometimes the mind quiets and there’s a deep peace. But not always. And so I don’t trust it.

If a door led to peace one day and pain the next, wouldn’t you hesitate at least a little bit before opening it?

Today’s report:

Eating was a solid B until this evening when I drank beer and ate cookies.

The morning was good with 3 enjoyable coaching sessions. I got to meet and coach a very cool Brazilian man who is living in Malaysia. But this afternoon SUCKED, hovering at like a 2 out of 10. I felt pathetic, undesirable, and hopeless, and helpless to do anything about it. I finally got out of my head and around some friends, and I feel a bit better now.

I’m in bed by 10 PM like I wanted to be. And I did push-ups today for the first time since November (I noticed that the push-ups lifted my mood a little). I intend to make that a daily habit for at least March. I’m going to train again for my “600 push-ups in an hour” goal. Last time it took me a month and a half to reach that goal.

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Day 78 (2011-02-27): Master?

1. Advancing

I encounter lots of people who value love and oneness like I do. And I’m continually surprised by how many of them cling to the idea that they’re on a path to enlightenment (or awakening). This then leads them to believe that some people are more advanced or “further along” than others. And the ego comes in.

I think you can be more or less “advanced” in your conceptual understanding of awakening/enlightenment, but it seems to me that in any given moment you’re either experiencing life or you’re thinking about life. That to me is the key distinction.

You’re either awake or asleep; the light is on or off. Conceptual understanding may assist with duration and frequency. But when it comes to awakening, no one is more advanced than anyone else. As Adyashanti says, the question is simply, “Are you awake right now?” Are you experiencing life or are you thinking about it?

I’m tired of the groups I go to where we talk about oneness and awakening and peace. I see the value of people getting together to experience those things, but how to create the experience of it without getting lost in the temptation to conceptualize it?

2. Warrior

In experiencing my strength as a man, I’m reminded of the idea of the “spiritual warrior.” This is the person who takes on the challenge of walking a path of love and peace, who is not shaken by fear or doubt or setbacks. This speaks to me, but it also seems limited because it uses war as a metaphor.

I think the word “master” works better for me than “warrior.” Master has some challenges too. It stirs my ego a bit.

I would like a concept that bridges masculinity with spirituality.

I want to use this concept as a framework to help me be more consistent with the practices that contribute to my peace of mind.

Today’s report:

Eating was a C-. The day was a 6 out of 10. It was a lot like an even 5 out of 10 day, except that I had a few stressors that might normally have sapped my energy but I managed them well, so I’m happy about that.

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Day 77 (2011-02-26): Consider the source

Tonight I was talking to a friend of a friend, a good guy that I don’t get to see very often. He expressed how he’s sorry that he hasn’t seen me at various parties in the past several months. He was unaware that I’m not welcome at any of the parties at one particular person’s house. I don’t publicize this much, only when it comes up like tonight. When I told him, he got a little uncomfortable (because it is weird), and then he said: “Don’t take it personally…and consider the source.”

It think that’s great advice in general for anything that “hurts” our ego.

The people that “hurt” us do so for some reason. Either they’re insecure and afraid, or they’re hurting, or they’re socially awkward, or they’re just hyper-focused on some challenge in their life and unaware of how they’re acting towards you, or whatever.

But they always have a reason. “Consider the source.”

Don’t expect apple juice from an orange. And don’t expect people to give you what they can’t.

I’m grateful for this reminder. Not because there are some parties that I’m not welcome at; that’s small potatoes. I’m grateful because there are people who I continuously crave love and attention from who are unable to give it to me. I need to start looking for the apples. And I’m blessed with some very “good apples” in my life.

Today’s report:

Eating was a C- today. I took the day off and relaxed. I’d give it a 5 out of 10. There were some bumps higher and lower throughout the day, but overall it was pretty even.

Going to bed late again…

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Day 76 (2011-02-25): More than enough

The main reason I’ve taken on this commitment to a 100-day honest exploration of my thoughts and feelings is something I don’t think I’ve actually expressed in this blog yet:

1. More often than not, I’m not happy.
2. I have one of the best lives that’s ever been lived in the context of all humankind.
3. If I’m not happy with the life I have NOW, it’s foolish to expect some future outcome to change that.
4. Instead of chasing happiness and inner peace in the future, I want to learn what’s stopping me from experiencing those feelings right now.

In other words, I have more than enough blessings in my life to be peaceful and happy.

I heard Tim Ferriss express a similar thought in an interview:

You actually do have plenty of time to do all the things that are truly important… Things are going to fall through the cracks but…if you let the small bad things happen, you can get the big good things done.

He’s talking about time and productivity, but I think it’s analogous to what I’m saying. There are more than enough “big good things” in my life for me to feel happy and peaceful, but when I focus on the “small bad things” I feel sad and anxious.

• I focus on the one woman who doesn’t love me and ignore the room full of amazing friends who do.
• I focus on what I don’t have instead of what I do have.
• I focus on who I’m not instead of who I am.
• I focus on what might or might not happen instead of focusing on what is happening.

“The future has nothing I need. Everything I need to be happy and peaceful exists now.”

Today’s report:

Good eating until tonight when I partied with beer and pizza. I connected during the work day with some great people and we got to be very productive together. In the evening I spent lots of time with awesome friends and saw my family briefly at my niece’s performance.

I haven’t meditated in a day or so. The staying up late has thrown me off.

I give today a 7 out of 10.

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Day 75 (2011-02-24): A strong man

I attended my men’s group tonight and really felt my strength as a man. It’s so interesting how events correspond. Earlier in the week a woman friend of mine told me that I was kind of feminine. It was a slight blow to my ego for a moment, but I knew what she meant.

First, a few thoughts about the words “masculine” and “feminine.” I believe all people have both “energies” and that we need them to be effective in life. My favorite description of these words comes from Anthony Robbins. He describes masculine energy as the ability to make big things small, and feminine energy as the ability to make small things big. Neither is better, and both are necessary.

For example, masculine energy takes a “big” “problem” and breaks it down into smaller, manageable pieces that allows you to solve it. Feminine energy takes something “small” and allows you to appreciate it as more than it seems on the surface. Clearly, it’s to a person’s advantage to be able to do both: to negotiate all of the complexities of starting and running a business, for example, and also appreciate the beautiful sunset and the kindness of people.

I believe I have pretty good access to both energies. So when my friend described me as feminine, I translated that as: she experiences my feminine energy because that’s the energy I emphasize with her. She acknowledged that she can be very masculine, which I would agree with. And I sense it as a somewhat defensive masculinity, as if she’s afraid to be feminine, so she projects masculinity to protect herself. When I have been masculine around her, we’ve clashed. So, because I don’t enjoy conflict, I think that I decided somewhere along the way to not be very masculine around her.

And this extends beyond her. There have been some women in my life that I’ve connected with and loved very deeply, and they’ve loved me back…but…they haven’t been attracted to me. And I see now that these women have been more on the masculine side. The women who are attracted to me tend to be more feminine. I think it’s because they respond better to my masculinity. There’s more of a spark between us.

These more masculine women tend to either like uber-masculine men (who they then fight with a lot), or very meek men that let them be the “man” in the relationship.

So this all brings me back to the experience I had at the men’s group. I felt affirmed in my masculinity by these other men. Their masculinity was not defensive, so our energies did not clash. In fact, it was welcoming as in, “You’re one of us.” There was no competition for “alpha dog,” which I think is what is at the heart of my trust issues with men. I don’t want my relationships to be a power struggle.

It felt good to experience myself as a strong man, not because I defeated anyone or saved anyone, but just because I am.

Today’s report:

Felt pretty productive and peaceful today. Good energy. Say a 6 out of 10. Eating was a solid B, much better than the past few days. I’m going to be late again. There’s definitely a “fuck it” happening when I think about going to bed by 10. Lots of resistance.

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Day 74 (2011-02-23): Becoming

Today started as one of the worst days ever. I had no desire to do anything, no drive or passion. I tried to focus on the present but within seconds I found myself distracted by negative thinking about the future. At one point, during a walk back from the park, I even had the thought, “I’m just running out the clock, aren’t I?”

I would repeat a little mantra, “The future has nothing for me. Everything I need is here now.” And I’d be at peace. For a few seconds until the mind started chattering again.

I came back and fell asleep for a short time. When I woke up I checked my email and found an ad for a free ebook. Normally I just delete this crap, but for some reason I clicked through and downloaded it. It was about the power of the mind, specifically how we create our sense of self by rehearsing situations in our mind. By rehearsing positive situations instead of negative ones we can improve self-esteem, confidence, and even performance.

This was liberating. I was reminded that my mental chatter does not only affect my mood, it affects how I define “Curtis.”

Then in the car on the way to meditation class, I listened to an interview with Tim Ferriss about strategic testing. Not just testing in business, but in life. And I started to get excited about this idea of testing different visualizations/rehearsals in my mind and seeing what outcomes I get.

Finally, in meditation class, our teacher directed us to sit with the beauty that is ourselves, the gift that we are to the world.

In my work, I know that my presence is felt, that I make a difference for people. But what struck me is how my suffering is also a gift to the world, an example of the human condition, of transforming suffering into peace. I almost started to laugh when I remembered this line from the book Red Dragon (the precursor to Silence of the Lambs) spoken by the serial killer to his captive and next victim:

You are privy to a great Becoming…

Later in the meditation, I was focused on the words “I am.” And I had a deeply felt experience of the “I” and the “Curtis” as separate. As if the I inhabited the Curtis, or used it in the way that you would use a car. The Curtis has limitations of body and mind, just as a car has limitations on how fast it can go, etc. But it can do some amazing things, too.

But the deepest truth is this: “I” can use “Curtis” in two ways, to experience life and to have some effect on the world.

• What experience would I like to have?
• What effect would I like to have?

Today’s report:

For most of the day, it was a 1 out of 10. During the meditation when I was most grounded in the feeling of the deeper “I,” it was a 10 out of 10. That 10 does not represent euphoria, but complete peace with life as it is. I’m seeing that my scale is one of suffering to peace, not necessarily sadness to happiness.

I give myself a C+, maybe B-, for my food choices.

I meditated first thing in the morning and also in class tonight. I stayed up late until almost midnight.

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Day 73 (2011-02-22): Half-awake

There are times when I feel free and times when I feel as trapped as I ever did. The mind is oppressive in its assertion of “reality.” It does not tolerate dissension.

Without going into details, for the past few days I’ve been feeling liberated from what was a very painful ongoing mental construct. So tonight I exposed myself to information that might feed it, as a test. And… Let the feast begin!

My mind took that information and used it to recreate all of the cruel comparisons that make me feel like a piece of shit. In record time, too.

I reminded myself that my mind was only comparing my ego identity with a mental projection of another person. Neither of which are “real.” That relieved a large proportion of the suffering. Also in record time.

I think I somehow expected (or hoped) that liberation from the mind is “permanent.” But like getting out of prison, they can always just throw you right back in. So you better appreciate the time you’re free.

It reminds me of what Adyashanti says about awakening: Yesterday’s awakening is meaningless. What matters is, am I awake now?

Today’s report:

I haven’t been sleeping well because of a pain in my neck. I mean that literally, not like I have a noisy neighbor who’s a “pain in my neck.” It doesn’t feel like an injury. More like a sore muscle. It’s frustrating.

I grade my eating as a B- today. I would give today a 5 out of 10. I felt even for most of the day, not positive, not negative.

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Day 72 (2011-02-21): Existential loneliness

This existential crisis is related to the loneliness issue. They are two dimensions of my suffering. The existential vertigo is an ever-present, low-grade, ongoing kind of pain. An emotional soreness. The loneliness is periodic and acute, an emotional cut. So when I feel lonely, it’s not just loneliness. The loneliness aggravates the existential vertigo to the point where I feel despair.

Loneliness itself is not that complicated.

On p. 228 in Loneliness, Cacioppo & Patrick write:

…loneliness itself is not a disease; feeling lonely from time to time is like feeling hungry or thirsty from time to time. It is part of being human. The trick is to heed these signals in ways that bring long-term satisfaction.

On p. 229, they hint at the remedy:

The characteristic most common among those low in loneliness is a full availability to whatever genuine social interaction is appropriate to the moment.

This reminds me of the wise hermit’s answer to the king’s third question about life, What is the most important thing to do? To care.

And then they spell out the remedy on p. 230:

The most difficult conceptual hurdle for people in the throes of loneliness is that, although they are going through something that feels like a hole in the center of their being—a hunger that needs to be fed—this “hunger” can never be satisfied by a focus on “eating.” What’s required is to step outside the pain of our own situation long enough to “feed” others.

Part of how I want to focus on “feeding” others and thereby feeling connection is to do small random acts of kindness. But these, by nature, will tend to be anonymous. I also want to experience direct social connection.

The authors describe the basic process of social connection like this:

1. Show a genuine interest in another human being, expecting nothing in return
2. Give them the opportunity to respond generously or pull back politely

Depending on the context of the situation, this encounter may be a one-time connection or the beginning of a friendship. Either way, the authors claim it serves as a sustainable strategy for feeling more socially connected.

I see that my neediness, my craving for approval, often consumes my focus. This is when I suffer the most. These are the moments of acute emotional pain that aggravate the existential vertigo and turns it into despair. And when I feel despair, I’m not inclined to do a small random act of kindness or show genuine interest in another human being.

The authors address this neediness (even though they don’t refer to it that way) and offer this cautionary clarification against doing too much for too many people, on p. 240:

The whole point is to be merely human—available to the common bond of humanity.

The irony is that you can’t feel genuine social connection without feeding others (doing nothing leads to loneliness), but doing too much for people leaves you feeling lonely, too. It’s finding that sweet spot between selfish neediness and needy selflessness.

Today’s report:

I did a short meditation this morning when I woke up. During the day I was tired and in a bad mood. I did not eat well today, and I’m suspecting quite a bit of my “down” feeling is related to the foods I eat, particularly those that make me feel tired. I give myself a D for food choices today.

Overall the day was a 6 out of 10. The positive bump above 5 comes from a feeling of freedom or healing around a difficult relationship. It’s almost 11 PM and I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed.

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Day 71 (2011-02-20): Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a part of healing one’s relationship with the past. It has two parts:

• Conceptual: Making a choice to redefine how you think of the person you are forgiving
• Experiential: Experiencing that person in the present without the body feelings and emotions that are created by resentment and judgment of their past actions

As I focus on presence, I’m noticing in my body less and less pain of resentment and judgment. I think the experiential forgiveness is happening naturally.

I would like to give it some help with some intentional conceptual forgiveness too. As I listen closely to what my relationships with people actually are, I let go of what I thought they “should” be, and I’m able to redefine them in a way that releases me from the hurt I’ve felt.

Today’s report:

I meditated this afternoon. Eating was another C. I did not feel bad today, but felt tired and distracted. I give the day a 5 out of 10.

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Day 70 (2011-02-19): Breakthrough

I cringed when I read the caution against exploitation on p. 240 of Loneliness by Cacioppo & Patrick:

Healthy, sustainable relationships are based on willing reciprocity, not exploitation. So if your eager new friend suddenly wants to borrow money or use your car or sleep on your couch for a couple of weeks, this is probably negative data that justifies wariness, perhaps even looking elsewhere for companionship.

Each of those things on the list and more, I did (willingly) for the person I’ve most recently sought approval and validation from. What made me cringe is how closely this hit home.

Clearly, the authors are not suggesting that it’s bad to help people in need. The point they’re making (and I’m embarrassed as hell about) is that it’s probably unwise to seek companionship from someone who you help out in this way. The lifeguard doesn’t try to be best friends with the man he’s saving from drowning.

The authors continue:

Human connections have to be meaningful and satisfying for each of the people involved… Moreover, relationships are necessarily mutual and require fairly similar levels of intimacy and intensity on both sides… So part of selection is sensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would be climbing the wrong tree.

I am guilty of loyalty to circumstance. Just because I’ve interacted with someone I feel like I need to maintain that relationship and even grow it. Almost like I have to become friends with everyone. So even when I’m being (or letting myself be) exploited, I hang in there.

And on p. 243 it’s as if they’re talking about me again:

Occasionally, people who are trying to be positive and giving toward others find themselves feeling beaten down and fatigued…[by going] too far with feeding rather than being fed. When this happens, you need to find a way to bring the focus back to reciprocity and balance before you become completely drained.

They offer two suggestions (a do and a don’t) for how to help a lonely person:

1. Recognize that social isolation can come from feeling unsafe in the world, so don’t “argue” with a person about their loneliness because it will only threaten them more.
2. “Do what you can to make the lonely person feel safe.”

Again, I’m embarrassed to admit how close to home this hits. This person I’ve craved approval from pushed my loneliness button in both ways: Their emotional state is often unpredictable, so my guard tends to be up when I’m around them. And when I talk about my feelings, they usually tell me why I “shouldn’t” feel that way.

With all of this insight, I can now see the beauty of this relationship. This person was the perfect teacher to show me where my pattern of approval craving ultimately leads. I find myself feeling truly grateful for all of the pain because without it, I would still be using this same failed strategy for happiness and self-worth instead of working through these issues of loneliness and attachment.

And just as they were perfect for me, I was the perfect person to help them through many of the struggles they went through this past year. Our relationship was beautifully symbiotic.

It seems we did not have a friendship as much as a “sacred contract” to help each other grow. I’m wondering if that contract has been fulfilled and it’s time for both of us to “move on.” Much of my recent pain around them has been from a clinging to this idea of a friendship and a resistance to letting go. I feel like it’s disloyal.

I think the key for me is getting out of my head, away from the ideas of what I “should” do, and listening to the rhythms of the actual relationship. That way, I will be able to hear what it is and what it isn’t.

Today’s report:

Meditated this morning, read Loneliness, and spent the afternoon and evening with some very positive, loving friends. And most importantly, I felt relatively free of this weight I’ve been carrying around with me.

Eating was a C. Better than yesterday.

I give today a strong 8 out of 10.

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Day 69 (2011-02-18): Matrix Perilous

1. The Matrix rebooted

It’s become a cliche already to say that this dream of life is “like The Matrix,” but I’m definitely feeling that way. I see the illusion of everything and I can’t unsee it. But if life is like The Matrix, here are some important scenes the filmmakers left out:

• The scene where Neo breaks down in tears and asks “What’s the point? If real life outside the Matrix is so bleak and horrible, but life inside the Matrix is artificial and meaningless, why go on?”
• The scene where Neo has to go back into the Matrix and live there again, but feels isolated and unable to relate to anyone (even more so than before he “woke up”) because they’re all pursuing goals and relationships that he knows are meaningless and artificial.
• The scene where no one thinks Neo’s “the one,” especially Trinity who rejects him for someone better looking (who treats her like shit but she puts up with it because of her low self-esteem), so Neo becomes addicted to Matrix porn and gives up on pursuing a “real” relationship.
• The scene where Neo tries to learn Kung Fu and gets pretty good at it but never becomes great, just like he’s done with everything else he’s learned.
• The scene where Neo is not rescued by Morpheus after he first wakes up from the Matrix, but wanders around the terrifying and dangerous landscape alone, confused, scared, and wondering what the hell is going on.
• The scene where Neo gets drunk and plugs back into the Matrix believing he’s “the one,” but wakes up the next morning and realizes all he did was make a big fool out of himself.

2. You can’t handle the truth

So this whole process totally sucks and there’s got to be a reason. Well, there doesn’t have to be, but I have a theory.

You would think that the more and more I see through the illusion of identity, the freer I would feel. Yet the clearer I see, the more I suffer. Why? Because I haven’t accepted the truth of what is real.

I see that identities are stories we co-create with those we interact with, and we use them to fulfill our desperate ego needs. I see that the future holds nothing for me—not happiness, not acceptance and love, not fortune—just death. I see that the past is a weapon I use to punish myself with in a kind of psychological sadomasochism with me as abuser and victim. And because I’ve built my whole world (actually, the story of my world) on these things, I feel despair when it crumbles to pieces under the weight of awareness.

Why despair and not freedom? Because I haven’t embraced what is true, what is real, what I know and have experienced more than once in awhile: Life is now.

I think I’m afraid of the implications of this truth. What would happen if I totally embraced it? I read stories of people like Eckhart Tolle sitting on a park bench for years. What is the price of peace? Would I lose everything I value in my life? But in a sense, I’ve lost them already: When I feel despair I value nothing.

It’s scary.

Who will I be if I’m not my story?

Today’s report:

I listened to a talk by Eckhart Tolle last night to help me relax enough to fall asleep. It was good and I felt peaceful and grounded. However, I woke up at 4:30 this morning being assaulted by my mind with berating accusations of worthlessness. This is the kind of thing that was happening in the weeks leading up to this 100-day journey.

I’m torturing myself with the same comparison I was making on day 62. It involves a woman and my “relationship” with my mental projection of her. And then I take that and expand the comparison to include everything in my life. None of it is real, it’s all in my imagination. I’m afraid of life in the same way I’d be afraid of a monster under my bed. I feel so stupid sometimes.

I bailed on my writing session this morning because I couldn’t handle the pressure. Basically took the day off from any sense of obligation. I drank a bunch of beer and even ate pizza with meat on it in a moment of “Fuck it all, nothing matters anyway.” A big F+ on my eating choices today.

Most of today was a 1 out of 10. There were some slightly higher moments when I connected with people I love.

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Day 68 (2011-02-17): Characters

Back in junior high school, my friend Rob had a sleep-over party. After the lights went out, we all continued to talk. One of our friends began talking in the voice of an old woman. Very quickly, she became a character with a personality and personal history. She answered our questions, gave her opinion, etc. I for one was tired and it was pitch black, so this character became quite real in my mind. After all these years, I don’t remember much about her except that she was funny. Very funny.

The next morning we woke up and she was gone. Even when my friend did the voice, it wasn’t her. In the light of day, it was just a friend doing a voice. Now I don’t know about the other kids, but I genuinely missed her. I was sad that she was gone.

I see now that she was no less real than the “characters” we present to others as ourselves. Or better yet, the way we present ourselves to others is no less of a creation than she was. Not that we’re purposefully deceiving others. It’s more of a co-creation. From the bits and pieces my friend contributed, my mind assembled the identity of the funny woman. From the bits and pieces I provide the people I meet in my life, they assemble “Curtis.”

It’s amazing how much propaganda we spew about ourselves. Listen to people talk about themselves. Not the data (“I have a headache” or “I feel like Italian for dinner”), but the stories. “I’m the kind of person who…” and “I hate it when…”

We’re creating character identities for ourselves. It turns me off. I feel equal parts sympathy and disgust. The disgust is especially high when it comes to people “in love.” From some fragments of conversation and shared experiences, they fabricate a character they feel like they’ve “known forever.” They don’t even know themselves, how the hell can they know anyone else. It’s ironic that this feeling of intimately knowing another comes from the need to avoid knowing oneself.

I sound bitter, I know. I’m still disoriented and I don’t like it.

Today’s report:

Meditated this morning. Had a good writing day. Healthy eating was a good B+ today. I went to the men’s group again and came away with an intention to be more playful and goofy. I think that’s good for me. An antidote to the mind.

It’s after 11 already and I still need to get ready for bed.

I give today a 5 out of 10.

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Day 67 (2011-02-16): Curtis is dead

1. Awakening

Last night I had my third “awakening.”  The first was 3 or 4 years ago. Each time, it’s occurred when I was experiencing deep emotional suffering, laying in bed in the dark. I saw my ego—my mind-created sense of self—as separate from the awareness that was observing it. I still felt all of the emotions and physical sensations that I was feeling just a moment earlier, only they weren’t “real” anymore. As if I was dressed in them, like my body is dressed in my clothes.

It’s incredibly peaceful. And now that I’m “out” of that feeling, it’s difficult not to want it back. It’s difficult not to turn such a deep experience of presence into a future goal.

2. No Curtis

In mediation class tonight, we did a body awareness meditation. The first part was guided, the second part silent. During the silent part, my attention was on my whole body at once, and I had a thought, “Where’s Curtis?” So I looked. There was no “Curtis” to be found anywhere.

“Curtis” is a concept, an identity. There’s no actual experience I can point to and say, “That’s Curtis.” Just thoughts. “I” only exist in my mind. “Curtis thinks, therefore Curtis is.”

It was an amazingly liberating feeling. As I scanned my body, I realized that nothing is wrong with my sensory experience of life. But anyone who reads this blog can see there’s a lot “wrong” with “Curtis.” The contrast was startling.

I wonder if this is how I can murder my ego…

3. What feels good?

Coming off of this experience of nothing being wrong with my sensory experience of life, I started to focus my attention on what feels good. This seems like a fruitful exercise. No matter what I’m thinking, I can always ask myself, “What feels good right now?” It might be the heated seat in my car, or the sun warming my face, or the relaxing feeling of an exhalation. I don’t have to look too far for something that feels good.

4. Falling in love

I pulled a card from the Osho tarot deck at my yoga studio and it was “The Dream.” It was a picture of a girl dreaming of herself being embraced by her soulmate. I thought this was funny given that I just declared three days ago that I am going to put down that area of my life for awhile. So I picked up the tarot book and read the explanation of the card…

Osho says that we think we fall in love with someone because they are “beautiful” (inside, outside, whatever). But that’s not why. We fall in love with another person to avoid ourselves. The pain of aloneness is so great that we seek out others to pour ourselves into. This is the most concise and pointed summary of one of the major themes I’ve been exploring for myself in this blog, and it blew me away.

Once we stop avoiding ourselves and start loving ourselves, we can then love another without attachment because we no longer “need” them to help us avoid ourselves.

Today’s report:

Didn’t meditate this morning, but meditated this afternoon and this evening. I give myself a B for my eating choices today. Good sessions with clients, too. I expect to be in bed by 10:30 tonight.

I give today a 5 out of 10. Didn’t cry or feel like crying, and I had a few periods of egoless peace.

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Day 66 (2011-02-15): Chapel Perilous

In addition to the sadness I described yesterday, I’m noticing a feeling of existential vertigo. It’s as if I can’t get my footing “in the world.” That is, I’m hyper-aware that any “reality” I see is a projection of my own mind. Nothing is real, only perceived.

Like when you look through a screen. At first, you may not perceive the screen at all. But as soon as you do, you can’t unsee it. You’re now aware of the cross-hatch pattern that’s clouding your vision. I feel like each time I remove the screen, I find another one behind it. And another, and another.

Or better yet, I’m on a boat on rough waters trying to get my balance. I get off of the boat onto what I think is firm earth, only to find I’ve stepped onto another boat, and so on.

It’s very disconcerting. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mentally ill. Other times I suspect it’s the death throes of an ego identity. I think I finally understand where suicidal feelings come from. They come from wanting to kill the ego because the ego is creating so much suffering. But if you confuse yourself with your ego, you might go so far as to kill yourself.

I want to kill my ego. I want revenge for decades of cruelty.

Today’s report:

Meditated first thing in the morning. Very good eating choices today. I was tired and sad for most of the day, especially 3 PM on. I somehow managed to leave the house for yoga. Felt good to use my body.

Looks like I’ll be in bed by 10:15 tonight. I’m not going to meditate, though. I want to zone out with a movie or something on my computer.

Today was a 1 out of 10.

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Day 65 (2011-02-14): Surrender

As far back as I can remember, my disposition has been skewed toward sadness and negativity. Even as a young child, I remember having “the blues.” Although this disposition may have dipped into depression a few times, it’s been more of a mild melancholy most of the time. As an adult, I’ve spent a good 15 years trying to reverse it and become happy and positive. I’m tired. I think it’s time to stop fighting.

I think it’s time to surrender.

Not that I’m giving up on life. Not that I won’t have happy times, and not that I won’t see the world in a positive light. I will. I do. I have. But I’m tired of trying so hard to be a happy and positive person “without once getting to dinner time and not fucking it up.” I want to just be a person. A person who feels whatever feelings come up in whatever order and frequency they come.

Maybe a sadly disposed person can become a happily disposed person. Maybe he can’t. I don’t know. What I do know is this: No matter what a person’s disposition, he can experience peace, often and deeply. And the fastest route to peace is acceptance. So I accept who I “am.” I surrender to it.

It’s funny. People sometimes describe me as a healer. They don’t describe me as a motivator. That’s an interesting distinction. I think maybe I’m able to help others heal because of my own experience with sadness. It allows me to empathize. In that sense it’s a gift.

Today’s report:

B+ on eating choices. Having gone food shopping yesterday made it easy. Good, loving energy with friends tonight at the Power of Now Group.

I meditated this afternoon, but not morning or tonight before bed. I’m going to focus on my 10 PM bedtime this week as a way back into my meditation routine.

Today was a 3 out of 10.

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Day 64 (2011-02-13): Too much talk

Wild Bill Hickock from the series, Deadwood, episode 4:

Some goddamn time, a man’s due to stop arguing with himself, feeling he’s twice the fool he knows he is because he can’t be something he tries to be every goddamned day without once getting to dinner time and not fucking it up. I don’t want to fight it no more. Can you let me go to hell the way I want to?

I had a conversation with a friend today and I realized I’ve been talking about giving up on romantic relationships, but I really haven’t. If I had, it wouldn’t be so painful. I still crave one, I still hope for one, I still compare myself to those who are in one.

So what if I did it? What if I really did give myself permission to let go of that aspect of life for a while? To just put it down and know that it will be there for me when I want to pick it up again. But really put it down, and be free of the judgment and guilt and pressure…and the suffering. I could then put all of that energy to better use.

I think in general I’ve been talking too much about all of this stuff. These posts are getting longer, and to what end? I can go back years in this blog and see myself writing about the very same issues and insights.

These most recent 100 days started with the goal of expressing and recording my feelings. Not analyzing them over and over. I’m going to get back in touch with my purpose and decide how I want to use this blog from this point forward.

Today’s report:

I’d give myself a B or B+ on my eating choices today. No meditation. I wrote this morning.

It was a 3 out of 10.

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Day 63 (2011-02-12): Nah

I noticed that all day today there was very little joy in anything I did. Anything that wanted attention from me—like my cats or my nieces—annoyed me. Then I’d feel guilty that I was annoyed and not appreciating them.

Anything I thought to do, I would talk myself out of:

“I could play guitar. Nah, I’m tired of the same old songs and if I try to write something it’ll suck and I’ll just get frustrated.”

“I could read a book. Nah, I’ll just get sad or bored, and even if I like what I’m reading, I won’t finish it and then it’ll become another to-do.”

“I could go somewhere. Nah, where would I go? I’d just have to spend money or be anxious about spending money.”

And so on.

It was good to see the pattern. None of the activities or ideas had anything wrong with them. Everything I thought of was something I’ve enjoyed at one time or another. It was the perspective that was creating the feeling. Also, I was feeling tired all day. I’m sure that contributed to my mood.

This too shall pass.

Today’s report:

Meditated when I woke up. Healthy eating choices except for some chocolate chip cookies I baked. Worked on my book for most of the morning.

I give today a 2 out of 10.

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Day 62 (2011-02-11): Truths

I came up with some principles today that represent “truths” I think I’ve been resisting (think of this as my own personal version of Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths).

I think much or all of my suffering comes not from the every day events of life, but from a deeper resistance to certain aspects of life. The events are simply the stage on which this resistance plays out.

Here are my new life principles or truths:

1. I will die: No matter what I do or how I choose to experience life, I will die. And to quote Watchmen, “the universe won’t even notice.” There’s no experience (“good” or “bad”) I can have right now will change this fact.
2. I will suffer: The phenomenon of separation is an inescapable part of material existence. It is natural for me to forget my connection to everything and to the degree that I do, I will suffer.
3. I will hurt others: No matter how well-intentioned I am, I will defy the expectations and judgments of others. I will also act selfishly out of unconsciousness and my own suffering. To the degree that I do these things, I will cause suffering in others.

Number three reminds me of Robert Anton Wilson’s “cosmic schmuck principle”: The more often you notice you’ve been acting like a cosmic schmuck, the less of a cosmic schmuck you become. But if you never suspect you might be acting like a cosmic schmuck, you will remain a cosmic schmuck for the rest of your life.

I think these truths reveal some others that are just as important:

1. I am alive right now: The fact of my inevitable death has no bearing on the value of life right now. My experience of life is independent of the timing of my death.
2. Peace is available to me right now: No matter how much I have suffered or will suffer—and even if I’m suffering right now—peace is always available by aligning my mind with what is.
3. …I’m not sure how to put this one into words just yet. I feel like it has something to do with acknowledging that I am loved or lovable, or forgiveness of my self, or a sense of belonging in the world. I will edit this section later.

I will practice keeping these six ideas in my mind.

Today’s report:

What a weird fucking day. All week I’ve been looking forward to skiing today, but early in the morning I went on Facebook and read something that stuck with me all day. It triggered a comparison in my mind between me and someone I’ve never even met, but they have something I want and I feel shitty for not having it. And why don’t I have it? Well, my sadistic mind answers, “Because you’re not good enough.”

So I spent most of the day whipping back and forth between intense suffering (riding the ski lift thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am) and bliss (flying down the mountain free of thought).

I’m meditating tonight at bedtime. Eating choices were conscious and healthy, except for some beer and a soft pretzel at the lodge.

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Day 61 (2011-02-10): Safe connection

1. Yes to optimism

Last night in meditation class, I had a thought about the life vs. thoughts about life idea. Yes, it’s important to me to experience more life and less thoughts about life. But given that I will have thoughts about life, maybe I can work that into my practice of presence. In any given moment, I can look for two things to say Yes to:

• Some sensory experience of life
• Some concept or thought about life

Maybe this is optimism. By saying Yes to some sensory experience, I ground myself in the present. And by saying Yes to some concept or thought about life, I project a positive future result of that thought. For example, my cat is purring right now. I say Yes to that. From that I say Yes to this thought, “I’m so happy this cat is in my life.” As a consequence of that thought, I optimistically assume my cat will make me happy in the future.

This is still just theory. I want to play with it some more.

2. Retox

In holistic health circles, there’s a saying that detoxification is retoxification. That means that when your body purges toxins, it releases them back into the blood stream causing reactions like headaches, fevers, etc. This is part of the cleansing process.

I think this analogy can help me understand why I seem to be experiencing more emotional pain through this 100-day inquiry than before I started: Looking closely at my most painful thoughts about life means feeling them.

What causes me pain must be felt in order to be understood. And it must be understood before I can heal. This is comforting to me.

3. Connection

Tonight I attended a support group for men that consists primarily of men holding and being held by one another. This is the group I wrote about on day 45. I was nervous but upon arriving I surrendered to the experience. And I was surprised by how natural and uncomplicated it felt, like when my cats come and snuggle up next to me while I type on this laptop.

Intuitively, I asked one man to hold me “protectively” and as he did I realized that I can’t recall a time when I was ever held like that. I’m sure my mom held me that way as a child, because it felt safe and comforting in the way that I felt with my mom. But I don’t remember ever feeling that way with my dad, who is not a touchy feely kind of man as it is.

This man holding me articulated in that moment exactly what I couldn’t when he said, “This part of you doesn’t have to feel lonely anymore.”

The experience was amazing in a low-key non-amazing kind of way. There were no big emotions, no crying, no dramatic breakthroughs. It just felt good for me.

I am so strong for others that I think people assume I don’t need someone to be strong for me. People are kind, loving, generous, compassionate. But not strong for me. And I’m complicit in that. I certainly don’t ask for it. I don’t think until tonight I even knew I wanted/needed it.

I wonder if the approval I crave is really a craving for safety, for strength. For someone to say without words, “It’ll all be okay.”

I also realized how much I complicate my relationships with women. If I was holding and being held by women tonight, I would have had all kinds of thoughts like, “Does this mean something romantically? Do I want it to mean something? Does she think it means something? Is she turned on by holding me? Is she turned off by holding me?” Etc. With the men tonight, there was none of that. It really didn’t matter who they were. In my mind it was simply a human holding me, protecting me.

Connection with another human.

Today’s report:

Lots of sadness today. Lows of 2 out of 10. A few highs of 8 or maybe 9 out of 10. The men’s group was a high point. I also had lunch with an inspiring friend. And I got to play with my nieces for about an hour.

No meditation today. Lunch was very healthy, and dinner was relatively healthy. I ate in the food court at the mall, and chose a grilled veggie sandwich instead of something like pizza.

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Day 60 (2011-02-09): Two stories of loneliness

1. Love story

A lonely man struggles to survive the wasteland that was once earth. He hasn’t encountered another living soul in over nine months. He fears he’s the last person alive.

One day he’s surprised by movement on the horizon. Could it be…yes! It’s a human figure approaching. As the figure nears he sees it’s a woman. He’s so excited to not be alone anymore, to have someone to talk to, and hopefully someone to hold, someone to love. A friend…maybe more?

But this woman is no friend. She takes advantage of his kindness, exploits his weaknesses, even causes him physical harm. All of which he endures. What is he to do? They may be the last two people on earth. He can’t leave, he can’t tell her to leave. Then he would be alone again, and nothing she could do to him is worse than that.

That is, until one day she tries to kill him. That he cannot endure. And so he’s forced to choose who lives, him or her.

Standing over her body, he cries…for her, for himself, for humanity.

2. Ghost story

A chronically lonely man wakes up one day to find that his life has gotten worse. Everyone in the world is ignoring him. Everyone.

It’s as if people can’t even see him or hear him. Out of desperation and fear he goes to grab a stranger who passes him on the sidewalk…and his hand moves right through the stranger’s arm. Is he dreaming? Is he dead?

Days pass, weeks pass. Fear turns to sadness. And soon, sadness to anger. Walking through a crowded mall screaming in a rage to be heard, he swings a fist at the woman selling Dead Sea Nail Kits—and breaks her nose. People gather around her to help. They look for the cause of her injury: Was it an assailant? Did someone throw something? Did something fall from the ceiling?

The man watches, still invisible. His hand hurts from the impact, yet no one can see him.

More weeks pass. Months.

He is lost, embittered, resentful of all of the people around him. Over the years he’d gotten used to being the one not invited to the party, but this party…this party lasts forever. He’s sick of them living their privileged lives, squabbling over their petty problems. He remembers the day he hit the woman in the mall, and he gets an idea…

If they’re so unhappy with their lives, well then, he’ll solve their problem. He begins killing people, randomly at first, but soon selecting those who seem to appreciate life the least. And an interesting thing happens. People start to notice him. Violence cannot be ignored.

At first, he’s a whisper in a quiet room. A shadow on the wall at dusk. A breath on the back of your neck. Soon he’s the figure you think you see from the corner of your eye. And then one day…he’s back, re-manifested in a world he’s grown to hate.

Now he’s a permanent outsider, a self-created sociopath. Very soon he’s arrested, tried, jailed, and executed. The path of violence comes full circle as a ghost becomes a ghost.

Today’s report:

Bad day, 2 out of 10. Felt lost and lonely and craving approval and validation from life. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. A whole lot of “I’m no good and I’ll never be” story-telling using my lack of success in business and romance as “proof.”

A few bright moments including a great coaching session with a client that inspired me to write the two story ideas above.

Meditated this afternoon and again this evening in meditation class.

Emotional eating choices earlier in the day, but had broccoli and couscous for dinner.

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Day 59 (2011-02-08): Blah

Today’s report:

No revealing insights today. That’s a first for me. Maybe my mind is finally quieting down a bit.

My eating choices were a bit compromised by emotions today. I ordered pizza and a milkshake for dinner. I did not go to yoga, so I also did not go food shopping. Having dinner delivered was what did it. On the upside, I did enjoy it and didn’t beat myself up for it.

I meditated this afternoon, not this morning. And I plan to listen to Eckhart Tolle when I go to bed.

I felt good about my coaching calls today, but not much else. Didn’t feel bad, just kind of blah. I give today a 5 out of 10.

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Day 58 (2011-02-07): Necessary

One of my most painful stories about myself is that I have no one in my life who won’t leave me for someone else. That is, there’s no one who has chosen me as the most important person in their life. It’s like I imagine that life is some version of gym class, where everyone I know gets to pick one person to be on their team, and I don’t get picked.

That’s a good analogy because it really is about feeling like I’m part of a team, which I talked about on day 50.

There’s a scene in the movie Young Guns when Kiefer Sutherland tells a Chinese girl he can’t live without her, that she’s “necessary,” and she’s never felt necessary to anyone before. “In China, girls are not necessary,” she tells him.

In terms of other movies, when the aliens invade or the zombies rise, no one will be fighting their way back to be with me.

In my story, I’m not necessary to anyone.

What I started to think about today is this: What if it’s an advantage to not be “necessary”? Especially given that one of the patterns I’m working on breaking has to do with me giving too much of myself to others. If I felt necessary to anyone, maybe I couldn’t focus as well on what I’m going through.

Maybe this journey is about me feeling necessary to myself.

Today’s report:

I meditated this afternoon. Still not on my morning and evening schedule. Eating choices were healthy, though I need to go food shopping. I will do that on the way home from yoga tomorrow night.

Today was a pretty even day, a 5 out of 10.

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Day 57 (2011-02-06): Self-respect

I was speaking to a friend today and she shared something that really threw me off a little. First, some background:

I’ve talked in this blog about how there’s typically some woman in my life who I put at the top of the list of people I crave attention from. (If I’m in a relationship, it’s that woman; if I’m not in a relationship it’s a friend. I see it as a pattern and I know it’s not healthy for me, but there you have it.)

So after talking to this friend I was left with the impression that some people in my life have this idea that I’m pining over a particular woman in my life, that she’s “moved on,” and I should move on too.

This made me sick to my stomach. “Do people really see me as being that pathetic?”

I realize that:

1. Worrying about what people think about me doesn’t do anything
2. “Pathetic” is a judgment; my judgment, not theirs

What’s important here is that I’m recognizing I have an ongoing judgment about myself. It’s a milder version of “pathetic,” but it’s there. Even though it’s not as extreme as this “unrequited love” story that I’m afraid people are telling themselves about me, it’s true that I judge myself for craving approval from this woman (and all of the others in the long line of this pattern I’ve created).

I spoke yesterday about self-love and how it manifests in the choices I make regarding my body. It’s a matter of self-respect, too. If I’m so harsh in my criticism of this approval craving, it’s no wonder that I don’t show respect for myself with my eating choices for example.

This stuff is all inter-related.

Today’s report:

Ate kale and quinoa for dinner. I felt the love in that choice.

I was not happy today, except for the opportunities I took to play. I had a snowball fight and went sledding. Felt like a 3 out 10 during the not playing parts, a 7 out of 10 during the playing parts.

No meditation other than practicing presence for a few minutes on my drive home from New Jersey.

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Day 56 (2011-02-05): Self-love

I woke up this morning with a headache. I thought it was from the beer I drank last night (and that might have been part of the reason), but by late morning I was running a pretty good fever. At that point I wondered if maybe it was food poisoning or something. I did two enemas to try to clean out my system, plus some deep breathing for almost an hour, and I felt much better. But whenever I’d stop the deep breathing, the headache would return.

I had plans to drive to New Jersey for a party (the party I made the green cookies for yesterday), and even though I was still running a fever I decide to go. So I went…without the cookies. That’s how much of a daze I was in. I forgot the cookies! On the way I stopped to vomit (in a McDonald’s bathroom), and I stopped twice more to take naps. The fever was still pretty bad.

Within an hour of arriving at the party, the fever was gone and I felt “normal” again. It must have been some bacteria or something.

The good thing to come out of it is that during the worst of the experience, I was very clear that I did not want to feel that way again. “Why am I doing this to my body, myself?” My eating choices, my drinking choices, my choice to skip exercise, my choice to worry—all of these things contribute to how I feel in my body.

I’ve decided to define self-love as being good to my body, and use this blog as a way to focus on that during my 100-day journey. So I’ll be reporting on my choices regarding food, exercise, skin brushing, bouncing, breathing, etc.

Today’s report:

Feeling sick was a 1 out of 10. Feeling “normal” (not sick) and appreciating it was a 9 out of 10.

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Day 55 (2011-02-04): Cool

I spent about an hour this morning in the car thinking about all of the women in my life (present, past, and future) who aren’t attracted to me because I’m not “cool enough.” Putting aside the fantastical future women who I’ve never actually met, even if the women from my past and present do feel this way, they’re not the ones telling me that. I was alone in the car! The only person telling me I’m not cool is me. Over and over again for an hour, and not just today either.

This is the really insidious part about thoughts. We think them and so we believe them.

Today’s report:

I intended to write this morning but let myself get side-tracked by some drama, which led to me drinking a lot tonight and staying up late. I felt very playful this afternoon making green cookies for a Troll 2 party I’m going to tomorrow. And I spent the evening with some good friends.

I would give the low parts of today about a 3 out of 10 and the high parts a 7 out of 10.

Meditation has been hit and miss. I’m doing it when I get stressed but not on my intended schedule. I’m enjoying listening to Eckhart Tolle when I fall asleep. Keeps my mind focused on positive stuff.

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