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Archive for March, 2012

Emotional state today: Not down

I felt drowsy during my sit this morning because I stayed up late last night. I must remember that the quality of my sit is affected by how much sleep I get. My practice of meditation does not live in a vacuum. This is a holistic perspective of my life.

I did not workout today. I had an opportunity early this evening to do some pushups when I got home from my meetings, but I got distracted from that thought, and so half forgot and half blew it off.

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Emotional state today: Up

Triumvirate complete: Sat for meditation, wrote, worked out. Stark contrast to yesterday. I felt good about things today.

Today was Workout E, seven sets each of 10 lunges and 10 burpees. I completed the full workout in 21 minutes, the same amount of time as last time. But this time it felt easier. I probably could have pushed myself to a higher level of intensity, but I was being very attentive to my knee so that there would be no pain.

I had a very intense conversation (argument?) with a friend today. What was great about this is that I usually avoid conflicts like this at all costs. And when I can’t avoid them, they make me extremely uncomfortable, to the point where I get flustered and can’t think straight. But today I was able to maintain an intensity of style without the intensity of emotion. I felt relatively detached. I still cared very much about my argument and felt it (and the relationship with my friend) was worth the intensity and energy, but I didn’t feel that my sense of self was being threatened. This is maybe the first time I’ve ever experience conflict like this.

I can’t help but think that this experience is the result of the shifts I’ve made in these 100 days.

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Emotional state today: Down, ending not down

No meditation, no workout, skipped yoga class, no writing. Lots of anxiety, verging on panic. The feeling of “the day is getting away from me” kept getting stronger and stronger, and I almost stayed paralyzed and did nothing all day.

At about 3, I went for a walk with my iPod and cleared my head. I got back and was productive for an hour or two, and my mood went up.

My mood is definitely affected by my feeling of productivity, which is really a subjective assessment of how focused I am on things that are important and meaningful to me. And I’ve noticed that I seem to experience a mood/productivity momentum for the day. If things get going on a productive path, they seem to continue to get better from there. If things get stalled early, they get harder and harder to jumpstart as the day continues. Or so it seems. Today was an example of just how quickly I can turn things around.

The whole idea of a “day” is a story anyway. There’s no such thing as a “productive day” or an “unproductive day.” There’s just the question: How productive am I being right now?

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Emotional state today: Not down

I noticed during my sit this morning that much of my suffering is the result of imagining conflicts with people over things that may never even happen. I can get lost in these negative fantasies for 5, 10, 15 minutes. And at the end of it, it feels almost as if I’d actually had the argument or fight. It’s total insanity. At least now, though, I seem to be able to smile at this mental process after I’ve caught myself doing it. And I have a strategy (using my iPod) to preempt these negative fantasies during certain “risk” activities (like washing the dishes, brushing my teeth, etc.).

I wrote today!

I also fit in a short pushup workout, 4 sets totaling 100 pushups. (I also sat for a second time tonight at my meditation group.) Triumvirate complete!

But I deviated from the diet slightly. I ate a pretzel nugget and 3 jelly beans at my nieces’ neighborhood Easter egg hunt. I think I slipped into “check out” mode. I’m so close to the end of these 100 Days of Fitness that I’m starting to project myself beyond them. The temptations are getting stronger.

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Emotional state today: Not down

I listened to Alan Watts on my iPod tonight while brushing/flossing/etc. and it helped a lot. I still caught my mind drifting to negative thinking, but it was brief and only happened once.

Instead of doing Workout E today (my left knee is still sore from yesterday) I did 4 sets of pushups and 4 sets of body rows. That’s going to be my strategy from now on, to work my upper body on days I experience soreness in my knee.

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Emotional state today: Not down

I had an amazingly productive and relatively peaceful day. I can’t remember the last time I accomplished this much. And I fit in an accidental 3-hour nap! (Yes, I laid down for what I expected to be about 30 minutes and woke up 3 hours later.

Today marks the beginning of the last 7 days of these 100 Days of Fitness. My goal is to stick to the “31-Day Fat Loss Cure” program very strictly, both diet and exercise. I did Workout D, which is 12 30-second sets of squat jumps separated by 30 seconds of rest, and I achieved my best performance yet. I did 200 squat jumps, a 12% increase from last time and a 4.7% increase from my previous best.

I also sat for meditation first thing this morning, and I wrote (!), completing my personal triumvirate for the day.

I used my iPod (listening to Alan Watts) while I walked to the post office and library, and while I made soup. The only time today that I went really negative was when I was brushing my teeth tonight. I’ll make a point to use the iPod when I brush my teeth tomorrow.

The final victory I want to report is that I’m on track to get to bed by 10:30 tonight, which is the earliest I’ve gone to bed in a while.

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Emotional state today: Not down

I did not sit today. Once again, I did not make time for it in the morning and then the day got away from me. I must remember the lesson from yesterday: Consistency is the key to growth.

I also did not use my iPod as consistently as I could have, and I found my mind going repeatedly to thoughts of old conflicts and resentment. And I felt them just as real as if they were relevant now. It’s like I resurrected them—emotion zombies eating away at me.

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