Day 100: Completion and celebration

Emotional state today: Up

Today is the final day of these 100 Days of Fitness. What began as a question (“Can I really do this?”) was answered in the affirmative by simple day-by-day persistence and commitment. To celebrate, I’d like to summarize in today’s post what I’ve learned and achieved.

Diet & Exercise

My intention when I began was to create a new, healthier relationship to food and exercise. I believe I have indeed achieved this. Most of the time I don’t miss the foods that I’ve cut out of my diet, and when I do miss them there’s a clear emotional need behind the craving. I only remember 4 “cheats,” all of which I’ve documented here: naan and a lassi at an Indian restaurant, homemade chocolate and bread that was a gift, a single beer (also a gift), and the 1 pretzel nugget and 3 jelly beans I had the other day.

I can feel that there’s been a shift in my eating habits, and I’ve decided that I want to continue eating this way at home. When I go out to a restaurant or friend’s house, I will have the option of loosening my guidelines, but I want that to be a conscious process. I believe this is a healthy next step for me.

Regarding exercise, I focused primarily on Vic Magary’s 31-Day Fat Loss Cure “Beginner Home” workout. I did not advance to the later workouts like I thought I would. I’m okay with that because even after 100 days, there’s still room for growth for me with this first workout routine. My intention is to stick with it until I complete the maximum sets/reps for each exercise. Then I will move on to the “Beginner Gym” routine.

Here’s a quick tally of various stats:

• Weight lost: 6.6 lbs.
• Burpees, max: In one workout, 92; consecutive, 50
• Body squats, max: 125
• Body lunges, max: 90
• Squat jumps, max: 200
• Pushups, max: 197
• Workouts completed: 5 out of 7 (all but Workouts A and C)

I also learned that my capacity for intensity is a lot higher than I thought it was. The lesson I take from this is that I am capable of giving (and getting) more than I think I can, as long as I’m willing to do what’s uncomfortable.

Emotions

Underlying my intention to create a new relationship with food and exercise was a desire to confront some of the painful thoughts and feelings that lead me to make unhealthy choices. This was probably the biggest victory for me. I feel so much more capable of identifying what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it, as well as how to shift that feeling to something “better.” By “better” I mean more aligned with my values and goals.

Just today I had two experiences that I noticed were sending me into a downward spiral of mood. One involved an interaction with a stranger that I was giving too much meaning to. I recognized this, asked my sister for some help to support me, and together we turned my mood around 180 degrees in probably 15 minutes or so. The second instance involved an interaction with someone very important to me. I noticed what was happened and chose to look at the situation differently and to play a different role, and all of the “problems” vanished as a result.

I’m also seeing just how closely productivity and mood are related to me. I define productivity as “the feeling you get from making progress on the things that are most important to you.” When I spend my time on things that are not important to me, I don’t feel good about life. I feel like I’m avoiding life, just like how I’ve avoided life by resorting to comfort foods. All of this stuff is connected, and I’m seeing those connections so clearly now.

Emotional State

Since I started tracking my emotional state, I’ve had 15 “up” days, 7 “down” or “very down” days, and 17 “not down” days. This blows my mind. 82% of the days were “not down” or “up.” This is a great life! And a stark contrast to the sad story I’ve been telling myself about my life. I think the key was realizing that the old story was based on the assumption that if a day wasn’t “up” it must have been “down.” This isn’t true. With that old story, I would have experienced 61% of my days as being “bad” days, versus 82% as being “good” days. That’s a huge difference. This tracking of my emotional state is an important tool that I plan to keep using.

In fact, the three most valuable tools I’ve discovered that will further my growth here are tracking my emotional states, using my “positivity playlists” on my iPod, and sitting meditation.

Sitting Meditation

Another one of the most important lessons from these 100 days is that sitting meditation is my clear priority in life. It’s the single most important thing I can do for my personal growth. And I’m starting to believe that by extension, it’s also the single most important thing I can do for the benefit of others.

I will keep sitting first thing in the morning. I’d like to create a habit of a solid 7 AM start time, but I’ve been struggling with getting to bed early enough for that to happen consistently. That’s my edge, and I’ll continue to focus on it.

A quick tally of my sits: I added sitting meditation to these 100 days on Day 65. In those final 35 days, I sat in meditation 35 times. There were days I did not sit, and there were a few days I sat twice.

Conclusion

I am so grateful for all of the people (including me!) and opportunities that have conspired to make this 100-day experiment possible. I’ve done this many times, and this has been the most valuable one yet.

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Day 99: A holistic meditation practice

Emotional state today: Not down

I felt drowsy during my sit this morning because I stayed up late last night. I must remember that the quality of my sit is affected by how much sleep I get. My practice of meditation does not live in a vacuum. This is a holistic perspective of my life.

I did not workout today. I had an opportunity early this evening to do some pushups when I got home from my meetings, but I got distracted from that thought, and so half forgot and half blew it off.

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Day 98: Productive and painless

Emotional state today: Up

Triumvirate complete: Sat for meditation, wrote, worked out. Stark contrast to yesterday. I felt good about things today.

Today was Workout E, seven sets each of 10 lunges and 10 burpees. I completed the full workout in 21 minutes, the same amount of time as last time. But this time it felt easier. I probably could have pushed myself to a higher level of intensity, but I was being very attentive to my knee so that there would be no pain.

I had a very intense conversation (argument?) with a friend today. What was great about this is that I usually avoid conflicts like this at all costs. And when I can’t avoid them, they make me extremely uncomfortable, to the point where I get flustered and can’t think straight. But today I was able to maintain an intensity of style without the intensity of emotion. I felt relatively detached. I still cared very much about my argument and felt it (and the relationship with my friend) was worth the intensity and energy, but I didn’t feel that my sense of self was being threatened. This is maybe the first time I’ve ever experience conflict like this.

I can’t help but think that this experience is the result of the shifts I’ve made in these 100 days.

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Day 97: Turning the “day” around

Emotional state today: Down, ending not down

No meditation, no workout, skipped yoga class, no writing. Lots of anxiety, verging on panic. The feeling of “the day is getting away from me” kept getting stronger and stronger, and I almost stayed paralyzed and did nothing all day.

At about 3, I went for a walk with my iPod and cleared my head. I got back and was productive for an hour or two, and my mood went up.

My mood is definitely affected by my feeling of productivity, which is really a subjective assessment of how focused I am on things that are important and meaningful to me. And I’ve noticed that I seem to experience a mood/productivity momentum for the day. If things get going on a productive path, they seem to continue to get better from there. If things get stalled early, they get harder and harder to jumpstart as the day continues. Or so it seems. Today was an example of just how quickly I can turn things around.

The whole idea of a “day” is a story anyway. There’s no such thing as a “productive day” or an “unproductive day.” There’s just the question: How productive am I being right now?

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Day 96: Temptations are getting stronger

Emotional state today: Not down

I noticed during my sit this morning that much of my suffering is the result of imagining conflicts with people over things that may never even happen. I can get lost in these negative fantasies for 5, 10, 15 minutes. And at the end of it, it feels almost as if I’d actually had the argument or fight. It’s total insanity. At least now, though, I seem to be able to smile at this mental process after I’ve caught myself doing it. And I have a strategy (using my iPod) to preempt these negative fantasies during certain “risk” activities (like washing the dishes, brushing my teeth, etc.).

I wrote today!

I also fit in a short pushup workout, 4 sets totaling 100 pushups. (I also sat for a second time tonight at my meditation group.) Triumvirate complete!

But I deviated from the diet slightly. I ate a pretzel nugget and 3 jelly beans at my nieces’ neighborhood Easter egg hunt. I think I slipped into “check out” mode. I’m so close to the end of these 100 Days of Fitness that I’m starting to project myself beyond them. The temptations are getting stronger.

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Day 95: Using an iPod to brush my teeth

Emotional state today: Not down

I listened to Alan Watts on my iPod tonight while brushing/flossing/etc. and it helped a lot. I still caught my mind drifting to negative thinking, but it was brief and only happened once.

Instead of doing Workout E today (my left knee is still sore from yesterday) I did 4 sets of pushups and 4 sets of body rows. That’s going to be my strategy from now on, to work my upper body on days I experience soreness in my knee.

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Day 94: The final week begins with many victories

Emotional state today: Not down

I had an amazingly productive and relatively peaceful day. I can’t remember the last time I accomplished this much. And I fit in an accidental 3-hour nap! (Yes, I laid down for what I expected to be about 30 minutes and woke up 3 hours later.

Today marks the beginning of the last 7 days of these 100 Days of Fitness. My goal is to stick to the “31-Day Fat Loss Cure” program very strictly, both diet and exercise. I did Workout D, which is 12 30-second sets of squat jumps separated by 30 seconds of rest, and I achieved my best performance yet. I did 200 squat jumps, a 12% increase from last time and a 4.7% increase from my previous best.

I also sat for meditation first thing this morning, and I wrote (!), completing my personal triumvirate for the day.

I used my iPod (listening to Alan Watts) while I walked to the post office and library, and while I made soup. The only time today that I went really negative was when I was brushing my teeth tonight. I’ll make a point to use the iPod when I brush my teeth tomorrow.

The final victory I want to report is that I’m on track to get to bed by 10:30 tonight, which is the earliest I’ve gone to bed in a while.

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Day 93: Emotion zombies

Emotional state today: Not down

I did not sit today. Once again, I did not make time for it in the morning and then the day got away from me. I must remember the lesson from yesterday: Consistency is the key to growth.

I also did not use my iPod as consistently as I could have, and I found my mind going repeatedly to thoughts of old conflicts and resentment. And I felt them just as real as if they were relevant now. It’s like I resurrected them—emotion zombies eating away at me.

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Day 92: The power of consistency

Emotional state today: Not down

I sat later in the day than usual, early afternoon, and heard my housemate come home. Knowing I planned to workout following my meditation and knowing that he usually watches television or plays video games in the same room, I found myself getting anxious about the idea of working out with him around (normally my workouts are private). So I explored the emptiness of that anxiety and very quickly saw that I was constructing it. A deep sense of peace came over me with the knowledge that any “problem” was only a story in my mind.

For my workout, I did Workout C and it was my best one yet. I did 6 sets (I working towards 8 sets), which I had only done once before. They consisted of 90 lunges, a 20% increase from last time but they same as my previous best; and 142 pushups, a 13% increase from last time and a 3% increase from my previous best. It was challenging but I can now see the possibility of doing all 8 sets.

I noticed that the top of my chest is filling out in a way I’ve never noticed before. It’s the power of consistency. Sticking with something produces results, but more than that, it leads to experiences you’ve never had before. I’m now convinced that they key to growth in any area of my life is consistent action.

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Day 91: Simple

Emotional state today: Up

Today I used the playlist I created and it worked. I started to get down on myself early in the day, so I put on my iPod, selected my inspiration playlist, and it kept me positive for most of the rest of the day. It really is this simple.

Most of the day I was excited to go see The Hunger Games tonight, so I’m happy I turned my mood around. It could have spoiled the movie for me if I hadn’t.

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Day 90: As A Curtis Thinketh

I did not sit today. I stayed up late last night and slept in this morning until just before my first appointment.

Today was Workout B, 12 sets of burpees for 30 seconds each, separated by 30 seconds of rest. My total was 92, up 2 from my workout a week ago, and a 4.5% increase from the last time I did Workout B.

I’ve started reading As A Man Thinketh by James Allen, and he talks about a deliberate practice of filling one’s head with the thoughts that are consistent with the kind of life you want. This is an idea that’s become incredibly popular in the past 10 years or so, and I’ve studied many techniques for doing it, but I haven’t committed to any. I mentioned recently that I can shift my thinking at any given moment but it slips back to negative. What’s missing is the consistency, the follow through.

I need to start filling my head proactively with positive stuff as often as possible. But I get overwhelmed by all the different techniques, so I need to just pick one or two and stick with them. Here’s my tentative plan:

1. I’m going to build a playlist on my iPod of affirming songs and lectures and I’m going to use it throughout the day. If I’m not focused on something where I need silence, or I’m not consciously choosing silence, I will listen to this playlist. When I’m washing dishes, brushing my teeth, driving, etc.

2. I’m going to focus on appreciation. Maybe start an appreciation journal, maybe make a list every evening, I’m not sure exactly what yet, but some practice of appreciation.

And of course, I’ll continue with my practice of sitting meditation.

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Day 89: Two sits or one

Emotional state today: Down

Instead of working out, I went to yoga class today. I also went to the meditation group for a second sit today. When I think about my idea of 100 hours of sitting for my next 100 Days, I wonder what would be more effective, sitting for 60 minutes all at once or sitting twice a day for 30 minutes at a time. I’m not sure. This would be something to talk to my meditation coach about.

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Day 88: Being stuck is a story

Emotional state today: Mix of down and not down

I did Workout A today and was surprised to find I did much better than I thought I did. I completed 4 sets each of 25 squats and 25 pushups, and I had it in my head that I’d done a lot more in the past. But looking back, I see that only once have I done 5 sets, and this was my fastest time for completing 4 sets.

What I’m learning is that my tendency is to raise the bar on myself and redefine the past. I think this is how I create the feeling of being stuck in life, of not acknowledging the progress that I’m making. In that way, being stuck becomes a story I tell myself.

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Day 87: Under a spell

Emotional state today: Very down

I noticed I was getting down on myself during my sit. My mind was racing, which makes sense because negative mind chatter is the source of the “down” feeling. I did an emptiness meditation and looked for the “down” feeling in me, and the only place I could find it was in thoughts, language constructions in my mind.

I was still relatively productive. I ran an Integrity Day for clients, wrote for almost two hours, finished up my taxes, cut my hair, and vacuumed around the house. But I skipped my workout. The negative feelings really sapped my energy, especially in the afternoon. I think the reason I was able to do what I did later in the day was because it didn’t take much energy, and I figured if I’m going to feel bad, I might as well do something while I feel bad.

What was so frustrating was that I could snap out of it at any given moment, but I’d just slide right back into it again. I knew it was all in my head yet I couldn’t stop it. It almost felt like I was under a spell.

I’m also wondering if my rating of “very down” is accurate. It might have just been a “down” day, but in contrast to the string of “not down” and “up” days I’ve been having it felt like a bigger drop.

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Day 86: Impotence and intention

Emotional state today: Not down

Last night I had a subconscious breakthrough. I was dreaming that I was throwing a big, expensive party (apparently I lived in a mansion) and had invited lots of women I’d only met once (in addition to all of my regular friends). About 30 minutes into the party, I found myself worrying that I was forgetting their names, so I went up to my room to try to compile a list. In doing this, I encountered several obstacles (computer wouldn’t start up, etc.) and I was starting to panic because I realized that I was missing the whole party. So I said to myself, what’s important here is that I enjoy the party. If I forget a few names, that’s okay. People will understand, but even if they don’t, that’s okay too.

Now this may not seem like a huge breakthrough, but it is. I have dreams like this all of the time. I jokingly call them my “impotence dreams” because they involve me trying to accomplish some goal and getting perpetually frustrated in my attempts. The big difference here, and something that has never happened in one of these dreams, is that I stopped struggling. I found my power—my power of choice. I was no longer impotent.

It’s one thing for change to happen at the conscious level. But this dream seems to indicate to me that something is also shifting at a deeper level.

I also had an insight during my sit this morning. There seems to be two types of “mind wandering” that happens when I get distracted from my breath:

1. A thought (or stream of thoughts) comes in that pulls my attention away from my breath. Eventually I become aware that my focus has shifted and I refocus on my breath.
2. I unconsciously abandon my intention to focus on the breath, so my mind begins to wander. Eventually I become aware that my focus has shifted and I reaffirm my intention to focus on my breath.

Up until today, I was unaware of the difference, thinking that all mind-wandering was the first kind. But what I noticed today is that if I’ve abandoned the intention and I just try to refocus on my breath, I lose concentration again almost immediately. It’s only when I reaffirm my intention that I can maintain any kind of continuous staying. My concentration practice must also include an awareness of my degree of intention.

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Day 85: More presence, more up

Emotional state today: Slightly up

I found it challenging to be present today. Had I been more present, I think it would have been an “up” day.

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Day 84: The most annoying kind of mind

Emotional state today: Up

During this morning’s sit, I observed my ego mind as being very similar to a person who thinks he’s much smarter than he is and so he keeps butting in with suggestions and comments that are not helpful even though you’ve already told him to shut up.

Instead of doing a workout at home today, I played tennis. I also wrote and sat for meditation. So another 3 for 3 day!

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Day 83: I’m not going to think myself to a better life

Emotional state today: Not down

Last night in the meditation group, a friend shared a perspective that I found very helpful during my sit this morning. She described meditation as stillness in which she can access her higher self. When her thinking mind starts to chatter about her problems and how to solve them, she recognizes that it’s her higher self and not thinking that is the true source of the solutions to her problems.

So this morning, whenever my mind would start to chatter, I would get curious and look behind the thoughts to discover the underlying fear or want that those thoughts were trying to resolve or address. And what I found was that no matter what that fear or want was, as soon as I identified it, I could see that I was not going to think my way out of it because thinking itself was the root of problem. Not thinking (that is, mental stillness) was better for me.

It was another way into the truth that I expressed recently: That meditation is the most important thing I can do for myself right now. No other personal action is more valuable or important to me at this point in my life.

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Day 82: Triumvirate complete

Emotional state today: Not down

Triumvirate complete! I meditated, wrote, and worked out today. Three out of three!

In order to write, I had to bribe myself. I said that if I wrote for two hours, I could take the late afternoon off and read. This worked well. Instead of spending the day avoiding writing and futzing with email and other bullshit (not being productive or peaceful), I was able to get in two good hours of writing and then relax this afternoon (being peaceful and productive).

Today I received my “100th meditation” badge from the Insight Timer app I use. I will admit there’s a little ego pride showing up. I’m tempted to judge that as bad, but I’m going to choose to just let it be what it is. Regarding the quality of my sit, I’m finding it challenging to concentrate and my staying is interrupted often over the course of the 30-minute sit. But for the most part, I’m still very peaceful and light-hearted about the little mental journeys my mind goes on.

I did a second sit tonight at the meditation circle I go to. I noticed a real sense of equanimity about my experience, which I think mirrors the shift in my emotions. This whole idea of “not down” may be me discovering equanimity in my emotions.

For my workout today, I wanted to see how many consecutive burpees I could do. I did 50 in the first set (and then 2 additional sets of 25 and 15, for a total of 90). It was one of my most intense workouts. Even now I can still feel the burn in my lungs. I remember a friend of mine who did burpees in the army tell me that after a while you learn to not mind the pain, and that’s a pretty accurate description of how the second half of the 50 felt. I’d love to get to the point where I could do 100. Training with pushups and squat jumps will definitely help.

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Day 81: 100 hours of meditation in 100 days?

Emotional state today: Not down

Status of the great triumvirate: Sat for meditation, worked out, did not write. Two out of three, damn.

During my meditation today, one of my elaborated thoughts was about how I might like to do 100 hours of meditation as my next 100 Days. This will take a real commitment. I don’t need to make this choice yet, but I like the idea.

Today was Workout G, one of my favorites because of the intensity of those Tabata intervals. I did 95 squats, an 8% increase from last time; 34 burpees, the same number as last time; and 66 pushups, a 4% drop from last time.

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Day 80: Breakdowns and breakthroughs

Emotional state today: Not down

Sat for 30 minutes first thing this morning, and watched my mind race the whole time. It’s amazing how much stuff there is to think about on a Monday morning. It’s like my mind wants to figure out the whole week. The good news is I was light-hearted about it.

I spent much of the morning writing. I had a short window in the early afternoon for a workout, but I blew it off. I’m not happy about that because it was the result of not scheduling it, not making it real in my vision for the day. It’s challenging because the idea is to have my biggest carb meal of the day immediately following my workout, which typically means right before lunch. Depending on my appointments, if I’m not strategic about things, the scheduling can get messed up.

And all of this is just a big excuse, really. There’s always time for some kind of workout, even if it’s 10 minutes of pushups.

I think the real challenge is one of focus. I have three things I’m trying to focus on (above and beyond my normal work and personal stuff): Meditation, exercise/diet, writing. It’s very easy for me to be consistent with any one of them. I’m pretty good at two. But when it comes to three, it seems like one of the three tends to get sacrificed on any given day. Well, I know there’s breakdown, it’s just a matter of keeping my attention on it until there’s a breakthrough.

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Day 79: Creating a simple environment for meditation

Emotional state today: Up

I slept over my friends’ house last night and got on the road this morning, so I did not sit for meditation until I got home this afternoon. It was beautiful weather so I decided to do my sit outside. I found it very challenging to concentrate with all of the sensory stimulation around me. And it’s not that I was focusing on the sounds and sights, but those things were enough to dislodge my attention from my breath so that my mind could start chattering away again.

This was a great contrast to sitting on my cushion in the morning. It helped me see just how important that simple environment is in building a strong practice of concentration. This makes me think I want to give 6 AM sits another try.

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Day 78: “Want to” not “have to”

Emotional state today: Up

Today I needed to leave the house at 9 AM for a coaching appointment and then a trip to visit some friends in New Jersey. That meant if I wanted to sit and/or exercise, I needed to do both first thing upon waking. And I did. I got up very early for a 30-minute sitting meditation, and then followed that with 100 pushups (in 5 sets).

Both the meditation and the exercise felt very important to me, not as a “have to” but as a “want to.”

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Day 77: Sitting with intention

Emotional state today: Not down

I’m noticing that when I sit for meditation I still sometimes relate to my breath as a concept, not a physical experience. And when I relate to it as a concept, my mind has a much greater tendency to wander off. The concept of breath cannot compete with all of the planning and worrying thoughts my mind wants to get absorbed in. But when I focus my attention on the physical felt-sensations of breath, concentration becomes much easier (though it still has its challenges). All of this means that it’s incredibly important that my intentions are clear when I first sit down for meditation. It’s not enough to sit, I must sit with intention.

This morning I woke before my alarm. I wanted to sleep more because I was up very late last night, but my mind started thinking about a rejection I experienced in high school, which quickly manifested a tight knot in my stomach, and then as I woke up more and realized how silly it was that I was getting upset about something that happened 23 years ago, I started to berate myself. Fortunately this whole thing lasted only about 10 seconds or so until I caught it and took a deep breath, but it illustrates a mental pattern of mine:

Getting upset about something in the past (or imagined in the future), and then beating myself up for not being present.

Regarding exercise, today was Workout F (as many squat jumps as I can do in 10 minutes). I did 187, a 2% increase from last time.

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Day 76: Late night pushups

Emotional state today: Not down

This morning’s sit was the most challenging one this week. My mind was like a dog let off of a leash. I didn’t fight it, I just practiced staying as light-hearted as I could and returning my attention to my breath as often as I was conscious to do so.

I wanted to do a pushup workout earlier in the day, but other things took priority. But the victory is that I did 4 sets of max pushups late tonight (10:30 PM!) when I got home. My total was 118.

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