Duration of today’s sit: 40 minutes
Using interval chimes every 2 minutes was intense. They seemed to come faster and faster each time. They served me well as a continual reminder to refocus and concentrate. But there was also a slight added degree of pressure, almost like a reminder that I was screwing up. That was small, and I think the benefit was worth dealing with that little bit of judgment and emotion. I would like to experiment with 1-minute interval bells and see how that works.
Two insights:
1. As I was falling asleep last night I noticed I was thinking about a particular woman from my past. This is not uncommon and I can get down on myself about it, exasperated really, because of the inordinate amount of time I still spend thinking about this person.
What was different last night is I had the thought, “Wow, this is a big wave.” Because I’ve been using the ocean and waves perspective in my meditation, I recognized these thoughts as simply a wave, yes a big one, but just a wave like any other wave.
And then it hit me. I have no reason to get down on myself about these thoughts. They’re no different than any other thoughts about the past. It’s all the same wave of non-presence.
2. Towards the end of today’s sit, I found myself wanting to be done, waiting for the final chimes. I saw this too as a wave, a wave of expectation, of fleeing the present for some “better” future. A mini-version of expecting my own death.
I reminded myself how great it is to be sitting—I have nothing to do, I don’t have to earn money, I don’t have to meet women, I don’t have to clean the house, nothing but sit. I entered a nice state of appreciation. Then I began to fear the final chimes because that would mean an end to the sit. More of the same wave!
I’m happy that this awareness is showing up both on the cushion and off. I think it signals a shift in my perspective.
100 Days of Peace 