Back in junior high school, my friend Rob had a sleep-over party. After the lights went out, we all continued to talk. One of our friends began talking in the voice of an old woman. Very quickly, she became a character with a personality and personal history. She answered our questions, gave her opinion, etc. I for one was tired and it was pitch black, so this character became quite real in my mind. After all these years, I don’t remember much about her except that she was funny. Very funny.
The next morning we woke up and she was gone. Even when my friend did the voice, it wasn’t her. In the light of day, it was just a friend doing a voice. Now I don’t know about the other kids, but I genuinely missed her. I was sad that she was gone.
I see now that she was no less real than the “characters” we present to others as ourselves. Or better yet, the way we present ourselves to others is no less of a creation than she was. Not that we’re purposefully deceiving others. It’s more of a co-creation. From the bits and pieces my friend contributed, my mind assembled the identity of the funny woman. From the bits and pieces I provide the people I meet in my life, they assemble “Curtis.”
It’s amazing how much propaganda we spew about ourselves. Listen to people talk about themselves. Not the data (“I have a headache” or “I feel like Italian for dinner”), but the stories. “I’m the kind of person who…” and “I hate it when…”
We’re creating character identities for ourselves. It turns me off. I feel equal parts sympathy and disgust. The disgust is especially high when it comes to people “in love.” From some fragments of conversation and shared experiences, they fabricate a character they feel like they’ve “known forever.” They don’t even know themselves, how the hell can they know anyone else. It’s ironic that this feeling of intimately knowing another comes from the need to avoid knowing oneself.
I sound bitter, I know. I’m still disoriented and I don’t like it.
Today’s report:
Meditated this morning. Had a good writing day. Healthy eating was a good B+ today. I went to the men’s group again and came away with an intention to be more playful and goofy. I think that’s good for me. An antidote to the mind.
It’s after 11 already and I still need to get ready for bed.
I give today a 5 out of 10.