Day 61 (2008-05-05): Pretending
May 5, 2008 by Curtis G. Schmitt
Sometimes I feel an acute separateness from other people. I can be walking down the street or interacting with a cashier, and I feel almost alien. As if other people are living real lives and I’m just pretending or something. It’s difficult to describe. And while it’s happening, there seems to be this internal struggle between a yearning to connect and a desperate desire to hide.
The most challenging part is that I don’t know why I sometimes feel this way and other times don’t. I do know it shows up in my relationship to strangers, not in my relationships to people I know.
I went for a walk yesterday and noticed this feeling, but by the end of the day it was gone. And I have no clear sense of when it changed.
I think I’m writing about it now simply to express it. By expressing it, I am acknowledging it and can now be conscious to observe it when it shows up.
One Response to “Day 61 (2008-05-05): Pretending”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
I can relate. Although for me, it’s more pretending that I belong wherever I am. Like by being at a certain place (primarily a social setting, but it can also apply to a physical location), I’m claiming to belong there, but since I don’t feel like I belong, I’m actually a fraud.
My need to connect is real, but only if it is authentic. In order for it to be authentic, I have to be open. Hence my struggle between connecting and not wanting to be vulnerable.
A feeling of belonging is rare for me, so this feeling of being a fraud shows up often. I might even say that it shows up more with people I’m close to as they’re the ones who know more about me and can expose me. This is why trust is so important.