Day 34: Listening to my body

Today was an unscheduled rest day. I could feel that my legs needed some time off, especially since I planned to attend yoga asana class tonight. And did I make the right choice! Class was heavy on legs and my thighs felt a little weak at times. If I’d done squat jumps today I would have been useless. This was a good lesson in listening to my body.

My mood was much better today. I even felt like being goofy at times. That teleseminar class I took last night was so good for me.

Day 33: Mastering my own psychology

Today was very challenging emotionally. What the heck is it with Wednesdays? I was especially down on myself today. The negative self-talk was excessive. Tonight’s class on teleseminars covered mindset, and that was very helpful as a reminder of the importance of being more intentional with my thoughts. The most important thing I can do in my life is commit to a practice of mastering my own psychology.

I completed Workout E today, all 7 recommended sets of 10 lunges and 10 burpees. Workouts completed so far are B, E, F, and G. A and C will be the hardest because they include 8 sets of 25 pushups and I’ve only been able to do 4 so far.

Day 32: Attitude

Workout D is squat jumps, 30-second sets separated by 30 seconds of rest. I beat last week’s total (up 9%), an increase from 7 to 8 sets, which I was very cool with until I noticed Workout F from a few days ago. I did 10 sets of squat jumps for a total of 165 (today I did 128). I don’t know how I did that! Now that I think about it, I can recall feeling unstoppable during that workout. Sometimes it amazes me just how important attitude is in these workouts.

Day 31: Bad mood

I took a rest day today, bumping Workout D to tomorrow (my scheduled rest day). I was in a pretty neutral mood all morning, and then got into a bad mood this afternoon. I was in the headspace of “life is hard enough, I don’t want to struggle through a workout right now.”

The irony is that a part of me knows the workout would have changed my mood. I always feel better afterwards.

Today is day 31, technically the last day in this first round of the 31-day workout routine I’m doing. As I stated a few days ago, I’m going to stick with it, my intention being to max out the recommended sets for all of the exercises before I move on to the next routine.

I feel like I should say something meaningful given that it’s day 31. Hm. Nope. Nuthin’.

Day 30: A reason to be fit

I kicked butt today on Workout C. I did 6 sets each of lunges and pushups, up from 4 last time. I saw a 50% increase in lunges, and a 61% increase in pushups (though it was a 19% increase from Workout A two days ago, which is a very similarly structured workout).

I also went sledding with my nieces today. I don’t always think about it, but part of the reason I like being fit is so that I can have the energy for these kinds of meaningful family moments.

Day 29: Self-worth

I got a massage today, my first of what may become a weekly thing. It felt good physically, and I’m eager to see if consistent massage will help with the pain I’ve been experiencing in my left shoulder.

And it also felt good emotionally. It brought up some issues about self-worth that I was able to momentarily resolve so that I could truly enjoy receiving such intentional and caring touch, and I’m also eager to see how weekly massages might help me get more comfortable with the feeling that I’m worthy and deserving.

For exercise, today was Workout B, B for burpees (30-second sets of burpees separated by 30 seconds of rest). I did the full 12 sets, up from 10 last time for a 19% increase.

Day 28: Rebellion and Russians

Since Wednesday night I’d been struggling with the question of whether or not I was going to go see a late night screening of The Big Lebowski tonight and drink the complimentary White Russian that comes with my ticket. I finally decided I would. I concluded (or rationalized) that it was a part of the experience and why even go if I wasn’t going to have the full experience.

So off I went at 9:15 to get there when the doors opened at 9:30 for the pre-show party and complimentary White Russian. I get there at 9:29 to find things in full swing and I’m told they’ve already given away their full allotment of 75 free drinks. What??? I’m there before the doors are supposed to open and I missed my free drink?

I was pissed! I even thought of saying something to the manager. Fortunately, not 20 seconds passed before I became aware of just how attached I’d gotten to the idea of drinking that drink. I’d planned to break the rules of my 100 Days of Fitness, I’d been foiled in that attempt, and I was angry. Man, we are silly creatures sometimes, aren’t we?

In retrospect, I’m happy that things happened as they did. I was able to recognize that there’s a part of me that likes to rebel against restrictions. Knowing that can only help me make clearer and more powerful choices.

Regarding exercise, today was my third time with Workout A. I increased from 4 sets to 5 sets, again maxing out the squats at 25 for each set, and this time maxing out 4 sets of pushups instead of 2 for a 53% increase.

Day 27: Releasing identities and worry

Today was amazing. I began the day feeling pretty down on myself until about mid-day when I read Susan Piver’s blog post about meditation which reminded me of the whole perspective of letting go of an agenda for meditation.

To simply be present to my experience without labeling it or judging it.

It reminded me of something Adyashanti says about letting go of the meditator as an identity and to stop judging how good I am at meditation.

So I meditated for 20 minutes and released all identities as I became aware of them. “I don’t need to be a meditator right now. I don’t need to be a coach right now. I don’t need to be a friend right now. I don’t need to be a cat owner right now.” It was so liberating.

I’ve spent the rest of the day going about my business and becoming aware of how I’m trying to present myself to people (in other words, the identity I’m “wearing” in any given moment), and then releasing it to discover what’s there when I just let life be as it is. It’s such a pleasant way to experience life! I find myself smiling a lot.

I think this is related to the worry I’ve talked about in previous posts. I think when we put on identities, it can be very easy to then worry about how well we’re living up to them. The purpose of meditation is not to create another identity that I can then worry about. Meditation is a time for me to let go of all of those “jobs” (because maintaining an identity can sure start to feel like a job sometimes, can’t it?) and clock out (as opposed to checking out or spacing out) and just be with whatever my present experience is.

This awareness of my emotional eating patterns has led to an awareness of worry, which has led to an awareness of the different identities I assume and how much stress that causes me.

And it seems I’ve now found where meditation fits into my 100 Days of Fitness!

Day 26: Free booze

Workout G kicked my butt. I’m so dead by the time I even get to the pushups, I’m surprised I can do any at all. I think I did about 23 before I had to drop to my knees, and even then I had to cheat on the final ones in each set. I saw a 6% increase in squats, a 3% decrease in burpees (I did one less than last time), and an 18% increase in pushups.

I found out that at Friday’s screening of The Big Lebowski at the Colonial Theater, they’ll be giving each ticket holder a complimentary White Russian. And I’ve been searching my brain for a way to rationalize the choice to drink it. What is the appeal of free booze?? It’s insane. Well, this is a choice I don’t need to make now so I won’t stress about it. I’m not even sure I’m going yet, so it might be irrelevant.

Day 25: A matter of life and fear

I had an energy healing session tonight at the Golden Angels Holistic Center, and right as the session began I was asked what my intention was. I said, “To let go of worry.” I was then asked to elaborate on what I feel in its place when I let go of worry, and I responded, “That’s what I’d like to find out.”

And I did. I felt…alive. Yes, there were waves of joy and happiness and peace and gratitude, and all kinds of good feelings. But the most powerful thing I felt was a deep sense of being alive, vibrantly alive. Most of the thoughts and memories that passed through my mind were positive ones; but even the “negative” ones had no charge to them. In fact, I was amused by how easily I’ve gotten upset in the past.

So my big insight today is this: Life is what I experience when I stop worrying. My choice in any given moment is between life and fear.

Regarding exercise: Workout F consisted of as many squat jumps as I could do in 10 minutes. My total was 165, up 8% from last time and 42% from the first time.

And I’ve decided that when I finish the 31-day Beginner Home Routine, I’m going to stick with it until I max out each workout in the series. So if some workout calls for 4-8 sets, I’ll keep with it until I can do the full 8 sets. Then I’ll move on to the Beginner Gym Routine.

Day 24: Worrying

I had a big insight tonight during my Power of Now Group discussion: Worry about the future is what makes me unhappy with my life now. And as I mentioned yesterday, it’s this unhappiness with life that then leads me to seek happiness in food.

My main sources of worry are:

1. Money
2. Being unloved and alone
3. Squandering my life by worrying

The third one is the most absurd. It’s a self-fulfilling action: Worrying that I’ll spend the rest of my life worrying.

It feels like I’ve identified a key piece of the puzzle. The shift I’m looking for might not be so much about finding/creating joy; it might be more about removing the main obstacle to joy. Maybe joy is my natural state. That is, maybe I experience joy naturally whenever I stop worrying.

Regarding today’s workout (E), it was sets of 10 lunges and 10 burpees. I did 6 sets of each, up from 5 sets last time.

Day 23: A more sustainable source of joy

I think my cravings for comfort foods are strongest when I start telling myself the story that I have no joy in my life. Therefore, I owe it to myself to enjoy eating some pizza or drinking some beer.

If these 100 days are to be more than an exercise in deprivation, I need to discover more sustainable sources of joy. Discover is probably misleading. It’s probably more accurate that I need to define more sustainable sources of joy.

I’m too focused on what’s missing in my life. I scapegoat those things as the source of my suffering while I ignore or downplay the wonderful gifts that surround me in each and every moment. It’s a habit of focus. I don’t know how to change it. That’s a lie. I do know, I just won’t commit.

I need to decide if I’m going to commit or not. Because without that, I have no vision for what I’m doing with these 100 Days of Fitness.

Day 22: Endurance

Today was Workout D again: 30-second sets of squat jumps separated by 30 seconds of rest. By the 6th set, I could hear a clicking in my left knee, and on the seventh set I could feel some tension. This is the knee that gets sore when I run. There were two changes I made today that might account for this. One is that I wasn’t wearing sneakers, so I wonder if this affected my foot position or my squat technique. The second is that I was not listening to music. Maybe I’ve just never heard the clicking before. Anyway, I stopped after the 7th set.

Interestingly, although I did a full set less than last time, my total number of squat jumps was only down by 1. My endurance has increased.

Later in the day, I started to feel like I might be coming down with something. Tomorrow is a rest day and I intend to sleep in.

Day 21: Recommitment

I’m still using food to hide from my emotions, I’m just using “healthier” food. This brings up the deeper question, what is “healthy eating”? Is it eating healthy foods, or is it the healthy eating of foods, or perhaps the healthy eating of healthy foods?

The spirit of these 100 Days of Fitness is really about holistic health—mind and body. I’ve gotten away from this in the past week or so. I think the key warning sign is when I start resisting this daily blogging process. Yes, I’m doing the exercises. Yes, I’m eating according to the dietary guidelines. But the willingness to look deeper at my choices and where they are coming from has waned a bit.

This is my recommitment to myself and these 100 days.

Did Workout C today. Maxed out the body weight lunges at 15 reps for all 4 sets. Saw a 6% increase in pushups. Out of all the workouts that involve pushups, this was my highest total.

Day 20: Cruelty

I have a confession to make. When I am feeling really down on myself I eat meat. I do this in secret. Not often, but it happens. It’s a weird, twisted kind of sadomasochism. It’s like when I feel really bad about life, I want to hurt the world and hurt myself at the same time. So I eat meat. It’s a choice to be cruel.

Today’s workout was burpees, burpees, and more burpees. I saw a 31% increase from last time, plus I completed 10 sets (up from 8). I pushed myself really hard.

I wonder if the reason I like the intensity of these workouts is because I see it as a way to punish myself (more cruelty) but get “healthier” at the same time. Not optimal, but probably incrementally better than eating meat or junk food or drinking alcohol. I’ll observe this punishing/cruelty issue and see what more I can learn.

Day 19: Workout A

Today begins my third cycle through the workouts. I maxed out the squats again for all 4 sets, and showed a 23% improvement in pushups from last time and a 50% improvement from the first time I did Workout A.

Day 18: Indian lunch

I deviated slightly from the diet to have lunch with a friend. We went for Indian buffet. To my surprise, the adjustments were minor. I had some rice, which is not prohibited, but limited (I did exceed the limit); I had some naan; and I drank a lassi, which contains dairy and sugar. But everything else I ate fell within the guidelines.

The reason for this choice was that I had a coupon for the restaurant that I wanted to use. I don’t see this becoming a recurring thing for the remainder of the 100 days.

Today was workout G, which I’ve concluded (now that I’ve done all the workouts twice) is in fact the hardest and most intense workout in the program. It consists of the Tabata intervals (20 seconds of the exercise followed by 10 seconds of rest) for a full 16 minutes. I saw a 21% improvement in squats, a 14% improvement in burpees, and a 4% improvement in pushups.

Day 17: Back into the fire

Life. Hmm.

The past week has been very challenging. I’ve been sticking to the dietary recommendations and doing the exercises, but my reporting here on the blog has slipped. I haven’t really wanted to reflect because I’ve been in such a negative headspace.

Today inadvertently became a rest day (tomorrow was supposed to be the rest day) because I forgot to eat all day and found myself at 3:30 PM finally eating. I spent the whole day doing my taxes. The good news is I’m getting a bunch of money back (the upside of having a slow business year). I’ll do workout G tomorrow and then just jump right back into workout A the next day.

The cravings for emotional comfort foods have been intense. I just want to get drunk and forget all of my “problems.” But part of the reason for these 100 Days of Fitness is to bring those negative thoughts out into the open. It’s just tough to face them. Back into the fire, back into the fire…

Day 16: Workout F

Workout F: As many squat jumps as I can in 10 minutes.

I did 152 squat jumps, a 31% increase from last time.

Day 15: Workout E

Workout E: Alternating sets of lunges and burpees, 10 reps each.

I did 5 sets for 50 lunges and 50 burpees, the same as last time. But this time I did it in 16 minutes instead of 19 minutes, a 16% decrease.

Day 14: Workout D

Workout D: 30-second sets of squat jumps separated by 30 seconds of rest.

I did 118 squat jumps in 8 sets, a 45% increase from last time.

Day 13: Cause and effect

Today was another challenging day. I got the closest I’ve gotten so far to giving up (which probably isn’t that close, really). It’s just a moment of doubt. It shows up as a “My life is a mess anyway, so why even bother being healthy?” story. The funny thing too is that it happens when I’m outside the structure of the fitness program. When I’m exercising or eating a meal, I’m totally fine with it. In fact, I’m usually enjoying the experience. It’s when I’m frustrated about something else that the doubt creeps in. It’s when I don’t feel good about whatever else I’m doing that I want to eat my comfort foods. “If this doesn’t make me feel good, then I know what will—pizza!”

It’s this whole issue of external things “making” me feel good. I make me feel good. My attitude and thoughts. Physical pleasures like tasty foods only give me the excuse to feel good. I think it’s the cause and effect. Yes, that’s it! When I feel powerless to create a positive experience in my business, for example, I resort to strategies I know will work, like eating comfort foods.

Regarding the workout, I swapped today and tomorrow. Tomorrow is a scheduled rest day, and I wanted to go to yoga tonight, so I made today my rest day and went to yoga. Tomorrow I’ll do today’s workout, which is jump squats galore! I’m okay with this kind of adjustment because yoga is important to me and I don’t want to be so fatigued by the fitness workouts that I’m skipping yoga class.

Jan. 6 UPDATE: Last night I had a dream I ate ice cream. When I ordered it I knew I was breaking my diet, so I justified it by chosing cherry ice cream because it has cherries. Hahaha!

Day 12: Blues

Feeling the blues big time today and noticed the comfort food cravings showing up in full force. Ready to give it all up and get drunk on pizza and beer. I’m getting into some negative storytelling about my business, and that leaves me feeling discouraged and down.

Stuck with it, meditated, saw some good friends who invited me over for a new kind of healing session they’re developing. So the day ended positively.

Did Workout C, with a 20% increase in the number of body lunges I could do compared to last time, and a 35% increase in the number of pushups.

Day 11: I love burpees!

Workout B, for burpees! This is the workout of consecutive 30-second sets of burpees with 30 seconds of rest in between. Last time I did 6 sets, this time 8, for an increase of 25% more burpees (51 total). I love burpees!

Day 10: Subconscious cravings

I think it’s funny how each workout I do seems like the most intense one yet. Must be that I’m pushing myself to my edge every time. And I’m seeing a lot of progress.

Today the cycle of workouts began again. This time I completed Workout A (75% last time). I saw a 66% increase in the number of squats I could do, and a 22% increase in the number of pushups. Plus I completed the entire workout in the same amount of time it took to do three-quarters of the workout the first time.

Sticking to the diet is becoming fairly simple. Cravings are minor, and I’m truly enjoying the food I am eating. I feel like I’m in the flow. It’s interesting though that last night I had a dream that I drank a milkshake and then remembered my 100 Days just as I was finishing it. It’s like I’m acting it out in my dreams because I’m not acting it out in real life. The subconscious cravings are revealing themselves in my dreams instead of manifesting into actions.