Day 63 (2008-05-07): The money dream (Life is a dream, Part 2)

Source of inspiration: Morgana Rae interview

Yesterday I caught a clip of financial alchemist Morgana Rae discussing how she changed her relationship to money. She went from thinking of it as a villain to a handsome suitor, and after that her whole experience of money was different. Right away I had the idea of putting that together with the “life is a dream” experience I wrote about yesterday.

For the next four days (at least), I intend to “dream” of money as a best friend — a hysterical, wise, honest, creative, and loving friend. (I entertained the idea of money as a sexy woman, but it seemed to complicate the relationship with insecurities about women. I’ll look at those soon, too…)

Why four days? I’m attending T. Harv Eker’s Millionaire Mind Intensive Thursday through Saturday. That whole seminar is about redefining one’s relationship to money. What a wonderful convergence of ideas and events!

I will not be posting to this blog while I’m away. I’ll continue to observe my inner experience and share it all when I return. Be well!

Day 62 (2008-05-06): Life is a dream

Source of inspiration: The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz

Ruiz writes about the Toltec teaching that life is a dream. This is not new to me as a concept. But today as I was reading about it, I had an experience of it that is new.

I assumed that my waking experience of life was a lucid dream (a conscious dreaming). And my first thought was, “Wow, what an interesting world my mind is creating right now.” On an experiential level, I felt the dreaminess of life. I felt life as a creation of my mind. But only in a reactive sense.

Upon reflection, it seems that there are two distinct parts to this experience of life as a dream, a reactive one and a proactive one. The reactive experience is the wonder and appreciation of what is happening in the dream: “Cool, a bird just flew by.” Or even painful experiences: “Ouch, that person’s insult hurt.” But the awareness of the dream keeps the pain from becoming suffering because I am conscious that it is not real. This reactive part of experiencing life as a dream seems very accessible to me.

The proactive part is a bit more elusive. It’s the perspective of “Okay, if this is a dream, then I can do whatever I want. There is nothing for me to be afraid of.” That seems a step or two further away. Clearly, I can’t step off the roof and fly (though who knows until you try, right?). But what about stepping off that metaphorical roof in social and professional circumstances that I’ve been afraid of up until now? When I imagine that, life seems scary and real, and not a dream at all.

So, although I’ve had an experience of life being a dream, I haven’t fully embraced that perspective. This seems like a fertile area for me to explore.

Day 61 (2008-05-05): Pretending

Sometimes I feel an acute separateness from other people. I can be walking down the street or interacting with a cashier, and I feel almost alien. As if other people are living real lives and I’m just pretending or something. It’s difficult to describe. And while it’s happening, there seems to be this internal struggle between a yearning to connect and a desperate desire to hide.

The most challenging part is that I don’t know why I sometimes feel this way and other times don’t. I do know it shows up in my relationship to strangers, not in my relationships to people I know.

I went for a walk yesterday and noticed this feeling, but by the end of the day it was gone. And I have no clear sense of when it changed.

I think I’m writing about it now simply to express it. By expressing it, I am acknowledging it and can now be conscious to observe it when it shows up.

Day 60 (2008-05-04): Excitement & fear

Wow, roller coasters are a lot different than they were the last time I rode them (about 15 years ago). Higher and faster, yes. But also the many different ways you are seated. The Superman coaster, for example, puts you on your stomach like you’re flying.

It was interesting to bring a present-focused perspective to the experience. I noticed there were two distinct aspects to the roller coaster experience that created a feeling of excitement for me.

One was my relationship to fear. It worked like this: The “oh my god I’m going to die” feeling would build and climax, followed by a release and a “I’m still alive” kind of joy. The first coaster ride of the day was this kind of experience for me. And I had mixed feelings about it. It left me wondering if I even wanted to go on any others.

But I went on a second one with the intention to let go of the fear. And I had a second kind of experience.

I surrendered to the fear and it dissolved (mostly). And what I experienced was the excitement from the physical experience. The speed, the airtime (the technical term for that weightless feeling you get from a quick up and down — I prefer to call it “floaty action”), the turns and loops. This physical excitement was less acute than the fear-based version. But much more sustainable, in my opinion. I think this kind of experience would have let me notice and appreciate the nuances of a given coaster had I gone on any of them more than once, instead of each ride just being another blur of terror.

I remember hearing or reading somewhere that fear and excitement are very similar physiologically. And the main difference between the two is the mental interpretation or spin we give the experience. Yesterday’s great Great Adventure adventure showed me how easy it is to surrender to a scary situation and appreciate it instead. The next step is for me to apply this lesson to the more common fears that I experience day to day.

Day 59 (2008-05-03): Great Adventure (Joy, gratitude, and wonder, revisited)

Today I’m going to Six Flags Great Adventure, a theme park, with a whole bunch of friends.

My intention is to embrace the name of the park and experience a great adventure full of joy, gratitude, and wonder. This worked so well a few months ago that I want to try it again (and why I lost sight of this practice, I don’t know).

I will report back on my experience.

Day 58 (2008-05-02): Full day

Not sure what today’s post is about. But I figured, what better way to find out than to write it, right?

I have a full day of appointments today. I find I have mixed feelings about days like this. I love meeting with my clients, so what’s nicer than a day full of clients? On the other hand, there are all kinds of little projects and details that call my attention on any given day, and with back to back appointments, there isn’t the space to focus on them.

I think it’s an obsession about those little things. There’s a judgment in there. That it’s somehow wrong if they aren’t tended to. But lots of them aren’t necessarily important. Certainly not as important to me as meeting with clients.

So it’s a practice of letting go of that judgment. Being more fully present with what I am doing and releasing the low level anxiety over what I’m not doing. Today is a perfect day to practice that.

Day 57 (2008-05-01): I love you, Part 3

Today was a bit more challenging. I was in some group settings, and the group dynamic made it easier in one way and harder in another.

It was easier to say, “I love you, guys” to the group. There was very little fear, if any.

But it was harder (so hard I didn’t do it) to say “I love you” to the individuals in the group.

Day 56 (2008-04-30): I love you, Part 2

It’s become apparent to me that this is more than an exercise in personal growth. This touches real people’s lives.

Twice since I announced my intention yesterday to say “I love you” more proactively, I’ve found myself in situations where friends were in pain and I felt love toward them, and I felt open enough to express it where I think I would have previously held back due to fear.

Day 55 (2008-04-29): I love you

Source of inspiration: The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz

This morning I awoke two hours before my alarm was set. My mind began racing immediately, filling me with anxiety. After 30 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I finally got up.

Around mid-day, I was reading Ruiz’s The Mastery of Love. Ruiz was describing the difference between the Track of Fear and the Track of Love. I could see how fear runs my life to a much greater extent than love does. And then the muse spoke to me and I wrote myself a note: “Say ‘I love you.’”

How can I possibly follow the Track of Love when I often can’t even speak those three words? I’m inhibited by fear. I’m comfortable saying that to a girlfriend, or to my mom, or my sister, or my nieces (note that these are all women).

But with other women friends, I’m afraid the words might be interpreted as romantic love — that I’m crossing a line.

And with men, well, you just don’t say that to another man. It’s not cool. And let’s be honest, “not cool” is just code for “it means you’re gay.”

The rational part of me knows this is silly. And I have said “I love you” to both male and female friends. But even when I did, there was an underlying fear.

So I’m going to prioritize this practice over the many others I’ve discussed in these 100 Days of Peace. I will say “I love you” to people that I feel love for. I will start with long-time friends who I know I love. Each time I see them, I will make a point to say “I love you” at least once during that encounter. My thinking is that the more I get comfortable expressing it, the more I will get comfortable feeling it. And from there I can expand to more spontaneous expressions of love.

And there’s another funny part to this story — some feedback from the universe on me choosing the Track of Love:

When I was reading, I fell asleep for a few minutes. I woke up and Maintenance was working on the apartment next door. They had the radio on and I could hear it through the wall. The song that began a second after I awoke was “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney. Remember the chorus? “I love you.”

Day 54 (2008-04-28): Presumptive pleasure (Pleasure, Part 2)

For the past few weeks, I’ve been observing how I experience and relate to pleasure in my life. Recently, my five-year-old niece gave me some wise advice on this topic.

She and I were in the park and she spotted a cluster of dandelions. She asked if we could blow on them and make wishes. We did, and I asked her what she wished for (she likes to tell and not keep it a secret).

She said, “I wished that I could eat cake every day.”

She then asked me what I wished for, and I said, “I wished that today would be a fun day.”

She looked at me funny and then picked up another dandelion. We blew on them again, and I asked her what she wished for.

“I wished that I could be a princess,” she said.

She asked me what I wished for, and I said, “I wished that tomorrow would be a fun day, too.”

She looked at me disapprovingly and said, “That’s the same wish.” Then after a moment, she added matter-of-factly, “That will probably happen anyway. You didn’t need to wish for it.”

Wow. Out of the mouths of babes. The wisdom of what she said hit me, and I saw the world through her eyes in that moment. And I saw how different that world is than the one I see…

When she wakes up in the morning, she assumes that she will have fun that day.
When I wake up in the morning, I assume I won’t.

From my habitual perspective, fun is something special, something I need to plan for or strive to create. Could it be that it’s really just an attitude? Let me correct that. The word “just” is unfair and devalues how important attitude and perspective are.

She creates the attitude that life is fun. I struggle to create fun from an attitude that life is not fun. I’m eager to explore this more, to experience life with this “presumptive pleasure” perspective.

Day 53 (2008-04-27): Not-so-scary Sundays

Today I practiced letting go of any feelings of Should. I tried to give the day the freedom to unfold as it would. And it felt pretty good. The Sunday anxiety I’ve written about showed itself from time to time, but for the most part, the day was fun and relaxing.

I just re-read what I wrote, and I think I have the makings of a poem:

Today I practiced letting go of any feelings of Should.
I tried to give the day the freedom to unfold as it would.
And it felt pretty good.

That rhyming was totally unintentional!

Day 52 (2008-04-26): Space

Space has been showing up in a particular area of my life recently, and I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t even really recognize it as space. But last night I got some news about the opportunity I alluded to in a previous post. It is going to happen, and it requires some space. So magical to watch life re-organize itself…

Day 51 (2008-04-25): Stop and listen

Source of inspiration: Conversation with a friend

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who is a financial coach and I asked her how she recognizes when people haven’t accepted responsibility for their financial situation. She said there were usually two things she looked for:

1. They blame people or circumstances
2. They are always doing — do, do, do

Both of these are focused outside of themselves.

I immediately saw a parallel in #2 between what she was describing and how I approach my business. Analogous to the person whose finances aren’t where they want them to be, my business is not where I want it to be. And my approach to change that has been almost non-stop doing. Let me redesign my business, let me add another product, let me market myself in some innovative way.

And I have not seen a correlation between more doing and more results. So I asked her what she recommends to her clients as a first step.

She said that the first step is for the person to stop. Stop.

“Then what?” I asked. She laughed because my question was about doing again, which is exactly what she was telling me to stop.  

When I stop, and then listen, the next action will become clear. As I tell my clients, create space and invite (but do not require) an answer to come. Stopping, that is the challenge for me.

What does stopping look like for me? I think there’s an element of non-attachment. Ideas can still come, but I will release the need to act on them. I can note them in a book if I like, but I will let go of the fear energy that says “If you don’t act on this now, you’re screwed.”

The funny thing is, in the 24 hours since the conversation with my friend, ideas have been flooding my mind. My instinct is to act on them immediately (or more honestly, to procrastinate and then feel guilty about not acting on them). But I’ve been good at letting go and holding the space. I’ll play with keeping the ideas in a notebook and see how that affects the space I’m creating.

Day 50 (2008-04-24): Emotional or physical

This morning I felt mildly discouraged about some things in my business. Nothing terribly serious.

But right after lunch I found myself thinking, “I am so tired of all of this.”

And then it hit me: “No, I’m tired.” Last night I was up late and this morning I was up early. Plus, I just ate a big plate of pasta for lunch. So I was physically tired, and I confused it as an emotion.

This makes me wonder how much of what I perceive to be my emotional experience is in large part a physical experience. Yes, I was somewhat discouraged. But the dramatic increase in intensity was physical, not emotional.

By recognizing that, I feel freer and lighter emotionally.

Another example is when I have caffeine. This is often by accident. I’ll get a coffee and forget to ask for decaf. The caffeine will create a physical anxiety in me. And if I don’t make the connection right away, I might confuse that feeling with emotional anxiety. “What am I so anxious about?”

It will be interesting to see how else this shows up in my life.

Day 49 (2008-04-23): The fear of eyes

Sources of inspiration: The Fear of Success by Leon Tec; Power of Now discussion group

Sounds pretty ominous, doesn’t it? The fear of EYES! Could be the name of the next Indiana Jones movie.

How about the fear of eyeballs…I love that word, “eyeballs.”

On Monday in our Power of Now discussion group, my friend Jim reminded me of a practice I used to do but stopped a while back: Making eye contact with and saying hello to everyone (yes, everyone) you pass on the street. I did this yesterday and identified it as a high-value action in my spiritual practice. So I will continue with it today.

Why is it such a powerful exercise?

Leon Tec has written about how we have a primal fear of eyes (in other words, a fear of being seen) because before we can be attacked, we must be seen. So, to a degree, we equate safety with not being seen and danger with being seen. This eye contact exercise shows us that it is, in fact, safe to be seen.

Second, when you look into someone’s eyes, you’re less likely to seem them as some label (white, black, liberal, conservative), and more likely to see them as human. There is a felt sense of commonality and kinship in the eyes, a oneness.

So this exercise helps one feel safe and connected. It is powerful, especially when you’re feeling unsafe and alone. I can say that from experience.

Day 48 (2008-04-22): Heaven and hell, re-revisited

I wrote this Sunday night:

“I’m steadily increasing the joy that I feel. I’m fully aware now that there is more than enough in my life for it to feel like a paradise if I were to choose to experience it as such. So the spiritual work is clearing the mind of all of the games it uses to convince me otherwise. Not easy work, but good work.”

I’ve written twice before about this idea that my life can be heaven or hell at my choosing.

The new part is the recognition that my spiritual practice is a clearing.

One of the principles I teach in my time management teleclass is to focus on high-value actions. These are the actions that have the greatest impact, that produce the most results. What are my high-value actions in my spiritual practice, especially in this context of clearing? Some ideas:

• Making what I do a game, instead of a goal (intention vs. expectation)
• This blog (it keeps me from drifting very far into the fog)
• Asking, “What am I experiencing right now?”
• Touching my finger to my forehead and saying, “It’s all in my head.”
• When I find myself waiting, I can appreciate the opportunity to be present
• Meditation? (I do it every morning and I trust that it’s beneficial, but I don’t experience it in that very centering way that others describe it.)
• Appreciation and joy

I feel I could use some clarity here, so I will make that my intention for today.

Day 47 (2008-04-21): I died last night

I had a vivid dream last night. How it began has since faded, but here is how it ended:

I was in a small private jet with the pilot and two other people I did not know very well. We took off, and the man next to me asked, “What’s most important to you?”

“For lack of a better word, spirituality,” I said. “What I mean by that is my sense of self, and being at peace with it.”

Suddenly the plane began to spin out of control. I knew that there was no recovering and in moments I would be dead. What followed was a rapid series of three states of being, one right after the other — bam, bam, bam — all occurring within a second or two:

First was intense fear in the realization that I was about to die. Next was resistance expressed in the clear thought, “I want to live.” Third was a letting go as I whispered, “This is what is,” and felt a profound peace, deeper than I’ve ever experienced. Then the world went white, and I woke.

In my dream, that letting go and the deep peace that accompanied it was an awakening to my true self. In the words of Eckhart Tolle, it was the flowering of my consciousness.

Something he’s said about awakening that I feel is true as a result of this dream is that it’s not important at all how long the flowering “lasts.” What is important is that it happens. A person can awaken the moment before his or her death, and that is beautiful.

(I wonder if this is the essence behind the Christian forgiveness of sin. Maybe original sin represents the forming of our identity as separate from “God.” And the acceptance of God as savior is Christian language for an awakening in which we become conscious of our true self as not separate but the same. The sinner (the unconscious person) is forgiven (awakens/flowers).)

I don’t know what this means for me and my practice today, but it felt like it belonged in this blog.

Day 46 (2008-04-20): Guitar games

Yesterday was a fun day with a new friend. Among other things we played some Guitar Hero 3 and Rock Band. For the uninitiated (as I was only weeks ago), these are video games in which you play simplified versions of instruments (guitar/bass/drums) along with popular songs (kind of like karaoke) to score points, etc. It’s a total blast.

I also played some actual guitar yesterday. And the two experiences side by side — playing the game guitar and the real guitar — offered a valuable insight.

Playing real guitar is not very pleasurable for me. In fact, it’s often frustrating and disheartening. I used to write and record music, and for a time I was pursuing a musical career. But I never enjoyed it much. And the most enjoyment I ever got from playing a real guitar pales in comparison to the joy I got from playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band. I actually found myself giggling during those games!

Why the discrepancy?

It’s a question of identity. For years I carried around in my mind an image of the kind of guitarist I wanted to be. And my performance on guitar never matched that image. Hence the frustration. Even now where playing is a once-in-a-year occurrence, I still unconsciously compare my playing to that image. In other words, it’s a “should.” I should be better than I am.

With the video game, there is no image; there is no “should.” There is simply the experience, and the joy of it. I am clear that it is a game which holds no importance in my life other than it’s capacity to bring me joy.

I wonder…can I take the video game perspective that is so fresh in my mind, and keep it while I play real guitar? Can I make playing guitar a joyful game? I will try that right now and comment below…

Day 45 (2008-04-19): The Fear of Success, Part 3

Source of inspiration: The Fear of Success by Leon Tec

It’s becoming more and more clear to me how much my anxieties around uncertainty are related to a fear of success.

Most, if not all, of my conscious fears of failure are things that I’ve experienced before. I didn’t like them and I don’t want to experience them, but I know what they feel like. There’s not much uncertainty.

Success typically brings about change — change in how others see me, change in how I see myself, change in my life circumstances, change in my responsibilities. And lots of these success-related changes are things I have not experienced before. So there is uncertainty there. And as I’ve discussed, my tendency has been to experience uncertainty as a negative.

Today or tomorrow I intend to do some journaling about my specific fears of success to uncover some of what’s unconsciously stopping me or slowing me down.

Day 44 (2008-04-18): The freedom of waiting

I’d like to share two experiences that are similar in details but different in mental structure, so I experienced them quite differently.

Last Sunday, I was scheduled to meet a friend to play tennis. I had some photocopying to do at Staples, so we agreed to meet there. I finished early and found myself waiting. It was a beautiful day. And although I had lots of stuff on my list at home that I could be doing, all of it was at home. There in front of the Staples I had an opportunity to just be. And I loved it.

In my mind, because I couldn’t do any of the things on my list, I had permission to simply be present. To enjoy the people around me, to enjoy the beautiful weather, to enjoy the present moment.

Contrast that with my walk to the library yesterday. I sat in the beautiful courtyard in front of the library. It was another sunny day. Leaves fluttered down all around me. Yet my mind was racing. I was there by choice, and at any time I could stand up and walk home and get back to all of the things that needed doing. And I could not find a way to give myself permission to be present.

Well, that’s not true. I was able to achieve a presence in the chaos of my mind. “Okay, so this is what my mind is doing right now.” And there was a subtle peace that came. But still the tension to move forward, to get back home, to do, do, do.

This is something I will continue to explore. The freedom of waiting and how to cultivate that by choice.